Leaving/Not Leaving

[Rainbows]

I keep yo-yoing between leaving and staying.
The only reason for staying is the children and the disrupt leaving would cause to them.
I know deep down, it will be for the best if I leave, but just cant agree to a place in a refuge. The thought of starting all again fills me with dread.
I feel it shouldn’t be me who does the moving out when the children are settled here and familiar with the settings.
Any advice on how I can overcome this hurdle?

[Ayanna]

Can you not throw him out? Is there nothing you can do to kick him out?

[Rainbows]

I cant, its his name on the mortgage, so he has a right to be here.

[bunsandcakes]

Hi Rainbows, I am in the same position. It makes me feel so confused and lost. The longer I am dithering between one thing and the other the more I am confused and starting to question EVERYTHING… is it me? Am I just depressed? Is he just a bit depressed? Is this just normal family arguments? I have started smoking and I NEVER smoke. From first thing in the morning I long for bedtime. It’s just awful. The more I read about my rights the more confused I am!!!!! The gov make it SO hard for you to get answers.. Ive been to see womens aid, called HMRC, read everythig on housing, read everything on tax credits etc etc. I have no money and can’t ‘save’ money to plan to leave into the realm of private rent. We co-own the house but he paid for it all. If I leave I am responsible for half the mortgage.. I have no money. If I rent, I would get a bit of help from the gov but not enough so Id need to work in order to get income to pay MY rent.. but then who looks after my kids while I work?! I feel stuck in a loop and like Im drowning. Sending you all my support and sympathy. I hope we can both find the answers we need and a solution that makes things better, whatever that may be.

[Confused123]

Hi hun

Go and speak to a support worker first, explain your scenario how scared u feel, it is hard but u can do it, i was the same just couldnt take that last step, a support worker actually gave me strength to take that step, long term your kids will benefit so much, u nthink by nstaying u r helping your children , u r not, they get emotionally damaged, if u go into refugee u will get a lot of support , u can do this , your kids will adapt to scenario and things just fall in place. Not sure if u are married, if u are u could apply for an occupancy order where he has to move out and u get to stay in house cause of kids been under 18. Are they his kids? If not u may have to go into refugee, the one close to me is lovely and so r the ladies in there.

[Lilycat]

Hi Rainbows and Buns and Cakes,

Have you been to your local Citizens Advice Bureau? CABs usually have or share an expert in financial issues who will be familiar with situations of financial hardship/ challenge. They also can have experts in housing and in family wellbeing. Giving free services, it would be good to check them out as a first port of call.

Some family/ social wellbeing community organisations might be able to help, too. If you don’t know of any, your local CAB or Third Sector membership organisation could direct you. A GP may be able to direct you, too, as more and more surgeries have a holistic approach to physical and mental wellness, and community-based wellbeing.

Very much luck and hugs to you and your children

Lilycat xx

[Courage]

Rainbows you could be able to get a non-molestation order and an occupation order on the house. He wouldn’t be allowed to contact or harass you and you and the kids would get the house and he would have to keep paying. Speak to WA and ask them to recommend a local solicitor who deals with DV and go get a free initial appointment x

[Doobi]

Me too.

[Mellowyellow]

Rainbows and bunsandcakes I’m in the same scenario. Stuck in this weird head space where you just constantly go from thinking I must leave to no everything is fine but deep down know you must go. I too have a baby and his name is on mortgage. I had savings but they’ve gone over the years cos he had none and I had to pay for things. Just to say I’m in the same situation and thinking of you both. Let me know what you decide. I need to see a support worker I think. I got given a no by women’s aid so ill do that and meet one so I can find strength to go x*x

[KIP.]

I recorded his abuse and assault and took it to the police. He was charged and bailed not to come near me or the house. I know this sounds extreme but he was bailed then I got court orders through the civil court to keep him away. Looking back I was kind of trauma bonded to the house too. He made out for years that if I ever left him he would take the house etc. I was the home maker too so it’s also mind games. Now I’m out of the abusive situation, I’d be happy to find a nice place of my own if I had to. It just seems so much harder when you’re abused and feel trapped. You don’t have any headspace left to deal with anything but your abuser x just make sure you do it safely because once he’s gone, the gloves really will come off x

[Author]

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