Left after years of coercive control

[LightbulbMoment]

I’m new to the group and wanted to say hi and introduce myself.
I’ve recently left my marriage of many years (after a couple of previous attempts). It took me a long time to feel that leaving was justified and not an overreaction or simply selfish. My ex didn’t abuse me physically (detail removed by moderator) but the kids and I have coped with years of coercive and controlling behaviour – walking on eggshells to avoid the rages, outbursts of extreme jealousy, hours of accusatory lectures, being woken at night to be yelled at and belittled, being drawn into manufactured dramas and set up against each other. Nothing was easy, the simplest things were used against us and there was always a clever justification.
I’ve also felt very insecure financially – (detail removed by moderator). His lies, drug&alcohol abuse and problem behaviour has also led to family feuds and loss of friends.
For years I explained his behaviour away (he’s tired, stressed, or I provoked) and enabled the pattern to continue. But it became clear we needed to leave as the kids got older and began squaring up to him. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’ve moved from feeling bereft and utterly useless to having moments of sheer joy and a real sense of freedom. The abuse has ramped up as he desperately clutches at straws and tries everything to bring us back, but I’m able to see it more clearly, and I can get a break from it. I’ve done a lot of reading and learning, which has helped, but there will always be questions, doubts and guilt. I’ve taken an ‘edging slowly backwards out of the door’ approach which I felt was the only way I could cope with doing it, but perhaps a ‘rip the plaster off’ approach would have been better.
Despite all his behaviour, I still feel that he doesn’t intentionally harm us. I think he behaves this way because he is incapable of controlling his emotions and has little insight into the result of his actions. This goes against what most of the books say and is one of the main reasons I questioned whether I needed to stay and help or leave. Maybe this is something I’ll change my mind about.

I’ve known of Women’s Aid for a while but didn’t think it was for me, because I didn’t see what I’ve experienced as abuse (or at least not bad enough to warrant support). Reading through some of the threads on here has been incredibly helpful but also deeply upsetting. It seems that many of us are struggling to identify our experiences as abuse and we question our own role in it. The fact there’s a whole messageboard related to this question says a lot.
I hope that by hearing everyone’s experiences and speaking loudly about my own, we can find some validation together.

[Versoz]

Well done on finally leaving. Your post struck such a chord with me. I’m back today after several years. I tried to leave but didn’t manage it, and am now making plans. Your line “It took me a long time to feel that leaving was justified and not an overreaction or simply selfish,” could be ME. I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for posting, and I hope you love your independence!

[Tiredandconfusedandlost]

Your post really stuck with me. I finally reached out today to WA and try and start the process of understanding and deciding if I do want to leave. I can’t disguise between his mental health issues and physical health issues, emotional abuse, love, insecurity and everything else inbetween. I do love this man and wen he’s a good man he’s great. I don’t know if I can leave because I can’t picture myself in a different scenario. I think I need to do some more reading and research. I feel like a fool, a fraud, a weakling and a mother all in the same body. I constantly need validation and acceptance from him. I feel like I can’t function or move without his permission. He never hurts me and often can b complimentary but other times he’s nasty , venomous and cruel. He hasn’t acknowledged r younger daughter in 3 days !

[LightbulbMoment]

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I can hear your confusion and a real sense of feeling trapped. I’m not sure if it helps, but know that you are not alone. Reaching out to WA is a great step towards beginning to understand things and move things forward, whatever way that will be.

One thing that helped me understand my experience is talking about it with friends who had witnessed his behaviour (and telling them about things they didn’t see). It felt disloyal at first and I resisted for many years, but once I started it all came out. It really helped me to see things without the smoke screen that he generated around our life.

Mental and physical health issues may well influence behaviour but they can’t justify abuse.

[LightbulbMoment]

Thank you, Versoz. It hasn’t been easy – this is the third time I have left. The other two times I ended up going back to my old life on the promise that things had changed. Of course they hadn’t (except for a couple of blissful weeks each time) and within a few months life returned to the hell that it had been. These times were awful but also something of a wake-up call.
I hope that you are able to find some clarity in your situation. In short, if you are unhappy you are justified in leaving (whether abuse is present or not). Just try to make sure it’s the right time for you. It’s difficult and you are likely to face emotional, financial and practical difficulties, but these will be temporary and worth battling through for the freedom that lies ahead.
It’s a cliché, but life is short and you only get one.

[nbumblebee]

Reading all these stories of leaving and how hard it is and can be just makes me think how incredably brave you all are.
Ive never tried to leave i doubt i ever will oh i want to more than anything but im too much of a coward i dont feel like i deserve anything more than this life. I still feel its my fault.
I wouldnt even know where to start. But reading stories help they do give me a glimmer of hope even reading how hard it is how often women go back it still gives me hope. You are incredable and I really hope you continue to heal grow learn and enjoy your life. Thank you for sharing xxxx

[LightbulbMoment]

nbumblebee, I can really empathise with where you are. But you are not a coward. Everyone’s situation is different. Everyone experiencing this is brave, whether they have left or stayed.

Something that helped me was remembering that you can’t change the behaviour of another person, only your responses to it. So even when you are living in the middle of it and feeling totally helpless, there will be small things you can do to rise above. You’re right that reading posts may help, also, talking to friends as much as you can, speaking to a counsellor or sometimes just taking a moment to breathe and remember what an amazing woman you are.
And you DO deserve the right to peace.
xx

[Hiya@]

Hello
It’s just after midnight and it’s been just over (detail removed by Moderator) since I left, (detail removed by Moderator) years of coercive control emotional, physical and financial abuse. To be honest I feel numb and know I have another battle on my hands, to stay free ( because he will try and make believe that everything is ok, it’s not ) and a legal battle to get half the money back from a house that I paid for.
I am no longer prepared to be humiliated so that’s it I’m done.
Reading your posts is giving me hope, I can do this, I can stay safe. And although it’s late I am reaching out here rather than the bleak alternative.

[LightbulbMoment]

Hiya@,
Thanks for replying.
It is certainly another battle, and I’ve been surprised by the ferocity of it. Each day is different – some are great and some are grim. We probably all post more on the grim days, but it’s good to hear of great ones too!
I’m glad you reached out. Keep posting whenever you feel the urge.
Stay safe and strong. We’ve got this.
xx

[Author]

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