Left but still really suffering, isolated, depressed

[supersonic]

I left my ex partner about (Detail removed by Moderator) months ago, she was so controlling, took over all the finances, was extremely emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive. My family are completely hopeless, no support whatsoever now, old friends are not on my wavelength anymore and I have a therapist but she is clearly too busy with others and I hardly get to see her. I am pretty much totally isolated and feel like giving up, I don’t want to live if this is how my life is going to be, I have hated most of the time since leaving my ex, this is not a life. There are no groups to speak to other females in same position as myself, I feel like the only one in the world who’s experienced this. My ex still emails me, I often think I should have just stayed and let her seriously harm or kill me as I feel worse than I did when I was with her. I know I’m lucky to be alive, but really, with no friends, hopeless family, what the hell is the point in me keeping existing? 🙁

[JessicaJones]

Hi,
I just want to say, I don’t have the answers but I completely relate. During my relationship especially towards the end, I felt a lot of the time, oh well. If he kills me he kills me. At least I’ll no longer be in pain. If I do manage to get out I’m probably going to be in for a life of psychological hell due to this so what’s the point. Doomed either way.
Since leaving there have also been many times that I felt like going back. I have no supportive family. My family actually cause me additional harm and pain.
I have no true friends.
I’ve also had an incredibly difficult time getting support in terms of therapy and emotional support. I have no therapist, no counsellor. All I have is me.
But part of this is also a self esteeem issue. We believe we’ll never be any better off so our best option is to get back into the situation that caused us so much torture and pain.
Do you really want someone like that to be the cause of the end of your life?
I don’t know you, but I KNOW you’re worth so much more than that. I know (Detail removed by Moderator) months seems like a long time, but it really isn’t that long. It took me longer than that to get over a previous relationship in the past that wasn’t abusive in any way.
Give yourself more time to heal. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I’m in the exact same boat. I’ve been in contact with mine also despite the restraining order. Alternating with periods of cutting him off again.
It takes time. We can get through this. We can go on to live a life without them. Wishing you all the best.

[freedomtochoose]

Really good vibes for both of you.
Sorry not to write much on this thread but I’ve had one hell of a week.
all best
ftc
x

[supersonic]

Thanks Jessicajones, I’m so sorry to read you’re in the same boat in terms of having no support. I also agree, it isn’t that long a time since I ended with my ex. I find it hard even to do self care and be kind to myself like my therapist sometimes tells me to. The isolation is absolute hell. But reading your message today .. I realise I’m not really alone, only alone in the physical sense. We can get through this, I want to believe that we can. I still live in the same area as my ex and most times I go out to the shops I worry my ex will appear, she had spoken of various violent things she wanted to do to others who we had known in the past, and I fear she fantasises of harming me in the same ways. I would be left permanently disabled or end up dead, I know I would 🙁 I really have to stop contact with her, I really want to this time, she doesn’t deserve to hear from me at all after all that she done. I was basically her prisoner for so many years, she threatened to kill herself anytime I said I wanted to end it with her, I had to get the police to put her out of our home, it was thanks to women’s aid who told me I could do so, and I am so grateful I did, really I am.

I just don’t know how to rebuild my life without support, I feel that it’s impossible. It’s the isolation that makes me wonder if I done the right thing, but I know logically that it was the right thing, it’s just hard for me to see.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Supersonic,

I’m very sorry to hear what you experienced. Domestic abuse is still domestic abuse, whether committed by a man or a woman. I am assuming you are a woman too and I remembered reading about an LGBT charity for domestic abuse, it seems to now be called Galop so look them up if you haven’t already. I believe all the regular charities help with same sex relationships too so access as much support as you can.

Abusers overwhelm us so much and make us feel worthless, feeling suicidal is sadly normal after one of these relationships. I remember feeling that pull back to him, feeling like it was easier to give in because he was so persistent. But don’t! You are worth so much more. Block her on everything, record any contact and log it with the police if it continues. The police can be a bit rubbish but if there is evidence of harassment they usually act and sort it out.

I don’t have many friends either and am currently not talking to my family, who I can see conditioned me for abuse by constantly violating my boundaries. I have been building up a support network through other means such as forums, support groups, (Detail removed by Moderator), hobbies. I’ve also worked a lot on my self care, which tends to fall by the way side when involved with an abuser, but goes a really long way in terms of our recovery.

(Detail removed by Moderator) domestic abuse exists across all parts of society and is just as bad whoever is doing it and the effects on the victim/survivor are just as bad. Don’t give up. We are all here and we care. Post as often as you need, share and read the stories of others too. And ring the helpline for information about local services, the more help you can seek out the better. Abusers isolate us so part of the healing is reaching out to others who understand and can help.

[supersonic]

Thanks Sunshinerainflower, yes we’re both female, Galop have been really helpful and have made the best suggestions to me, I am going to see a different counsellor soon who will hopefully be able to spend more time with me than just once every 6 weeks or so (average of my current counsellor). I got really upset a few minutes ago, I guess I just got triggered with memories, bad memories of my ex shouting, swearing and screaming at me, I cried for a few minutes, and remembered that when i’d go to see my doctor or go the shops, when I would come home, I’d sit and cry on the staircase before coming back into the flat because my ex really disliked when I would cry. There were so many things she would not allow me to do, I was not allowed internet access at all for several years, for instance. Just so many things, I just realised I can pretty much do whatever I want now, but at times all that freedom is completely overwhelming and I remain indoors, afraid to try anything, just as if she is still here? I think what I might do, is make a list, of things, reminders, little quotes, and keep them visible around my home, just to remind myself i’m free now? I think that would help.

Even as I type now, I realise it does feel very strange to be able to be online and to watch and type and read anything I want online. It is such a strange feeling. I was her prisoner for so long 🙁

The problem is that when I don’t reply to her for a few days, she asks if i’m ok. She probably only asks in order to make me feel guilty though.

I need to stop contacting her.

Sunshinerainflower, I can completely relate because my family were also the same and violated my boundaries and were abusive too, I am sorry this happened to you.

Thank you for the good advice, I am on another forum and they have been really great, I just don’t post often as I do feel worthless.. I know this is probably my exes fault that I feel this way though, I was always blamed whenever anything went wrong, I could never do things correct in her eyes, and she would go off into really bad rages, especially if there were any problems to do with money. She was controlling all the money, and I was left with nothing and also left in quite a lot of debt thanks to her.

It’s helpful getting this stuff out as it is making me remember how much Hell I was out through and I think giving me a reality check, I mustn’t downplay her abuse as I have been doing recently.

I’m glad you’ve got hobbies, support groups and doing self care, that is excellent 🙂

Thanks for being here, it means a lot to me and I will seek out more help and read other’s stories etc for sure.

[supersonic]

Thanks freedomtochoose, sorry to hear you’re having a tought time too, sending you support also

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