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Hi everyone,
I have been reading the posts in this supportive forum and finally decided to share mine. Please excuse my English, I am an EU citizen and not a native speaker.
I met my partner (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. My father had passed away and I felt completely alone and devastated by the loss when we started dating. At the beginning he seemed to be a good guy, kind tender and polite. I would talk a lot about how I felt with respect to my fathers loss and he listened to me carefully. I now realise why he listened in such empathy, he was just checking what my vulnerability was and ways to manipulate me and abuse me emotionally.
When we moved in together his behavior changed, became extremely jealous, arguing with me all the time to whom I m texting and calling, monitoring my every movement. Didn’t want us to have friends or anyone else in our lives etc. It was horrible but after every fight he said he was so sorry, brought me flowers snd became “normal” as gain. I started to question whose blame was all that, mine or his, got confused and sad and drugged into o deep hole of fear and insecurity as I d second guess myself all the time.
When he was upset with me he raged, a couple of times he broke doors in the house, threw his mobile phone and laptop, this happened few times over the years. Most of the time he was sulking, saying I do not make him happy and demanding that I change to suit his needs.
He would also cry a lot and play the victim, saying he has had a traumatic childhood and that I was causing him great pain whenever I hurt him.
I tried almost everything in my power not to hurt him, to keep him satisfied and happy, but nothing was ever enough.
At some point I got really tired and emotionally worn out, so I packed my stuff and left. I didn’t warn him because I was certain he wouldn’t accept it.
After our separation he would search for me, saying he loves me and that he will change if I give him another chance, saying he did everything for us despite the fact that I was only interested in myself and not him. I felt so guilty for everything he accused me of, mostly his unhappiness and misery and all this crying..
We got back together. I set some more firm boundaries and he seemed to be less dramatic although he would sulk and cry from time to time (he knew that to see him cry would break my heart).
Long story short, and since he hadn’t had any extreme outbursts of anger I decided to have a child with him. Our son is a (detail removed by Moderator) months old now. But since we had our baby he returned again to his old ways and his behaviour became aggressive and arrogant. He never called me names but he was sarcastic and condescending, looking down on me and pretending to know everything.
When our baby was (detail removed by Moderator) months old he started shouting at me while arguing whether or not we would take him to (detail removed by Moderator). I didn’t want that and so he aggressively showed me he would not tolerate disobedience on my part and threw his phone again against the wall.
I was in shock again, helpless with my newborn and trying to protect him while breastfeeding and feeling completely exhausted.
I decided then to take a break and go to my mothers house for a few days to calm down. I had no interest in braking up because I was always doubting whether I am exaggerating or not, whether I am to blame for his behaviour, he used to say that all the time that it was me who made him do that.
For the following period that we lived separately he was a bully, saying he will take our child by shared custody and making me feel terrible. I was trying to explain that I am not going to tolerate any abusive behaviour especially now that we have a baby and he accused me of lying and of planning to take his son away from him. He disliked my mother as well, and the fact that I was staying at my parents house with our son and said that this would change soon.
I was terrified but nonetheless denied to talk to him every time he would come to see our baby. I contacted the local abuse line and they gave me support and some very useful advice because up to now I had no idea what I was going through was abuse.
Unbelievable but we do not know what abuse is until we are in trouble..
Now he has (detail removed by Moderator) otherwise he will accuse me of abandoning him and taking the baby.
So my question is will his behavior escalate if I accuse him of abuse? Any thoughts on that?
Thank you, take all good care! -
Hi @Wheelgoround,
It’s a really difficult situation you are going through, and it almost feels to me that we went through similar things, even though you now have a child and I don’t. From what you describe, he is clearly being abusive, and he has not taken any needed steps to deal with that. It is also clearly a choice on his part, because he toned down his abuse until you were more “stuck” with him again. The fact he tells you that it is your fault he behaves this way shows no self-reflection, and it indicates he will not change.
What is your intention in telling him he is being abusive? I would say for you to contact your local domestic abuse organisation and at least have a safety plan. If you feel like you need to tell him he is being abusive to have him reflect on his behaviour and maybe get into an abuser programme… Maybe do it from a safe distance, through a phone call or something. It does not seem likely he will like being told that or that he will want to do that, but you have that option. I asked my abuser if he thought he had been abusive. He told me yes, and he said he was being abusive now, and still… that self-awareness did not do much except tell me he is completely in control of his behaviour. He just chooses to be that way.Please take care of yourself and your child. That is not a good environment for either of you!
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Ariadne thank you for the reply. It seems all of us share stories that are similar and I have red posts of yours that I can associate with.
It is as you said there is no self reflection on his part and he denies everything by saying that I lie and that it is me who is self centered and left him for no reason.
Since I left him, (detail removed by Moderator) months ago he is trying to keep my head down by reminding me all the time that he will take shared custody of our child. He took action already (detail removed by Moderator) saying that there is a risk of alienating him from his baby, although he sees him every day.
(detail removed by Moderator) whether our baby will stay overnight at his place too. So far I have not allowed that to happen because the baby is breastfeeding.
So my question is will he become even more violent and aggressive (detail removed by Moderator)? How are we going to be safe both me and the baby?
Any thoughts on that? I am afraid (detail removed by Moderator) he will become vengeful and I want to protect my baby and myself.
Thank you, take care -
I believe you are asking that question because you know that you need to take action to protect yourself and your baby’s future. What will you do if you would know in advance he will become more abusive? Will that make you more likely to protect yourself? Probably not, it will make you more afraid and trying even harder to make things right. Wjat would you do if he is not becoming more abusive? Tolerate this and try to manage for how long? If you have a place to stay at your mother’s and she supports you, that will allow you the space and safety you need to take action. I know how it feels, how we do not want to believe it, how we blame ourselves but his behaviour will never change behind closed doors. We all hope for the better, hanging on the ‘normalality’ and discarding the abuse. Free yourself of thos emotional burden and live the life the way you want it. If any man like this would ever want to change, I wouldn’t belive anytbing he says to me or rely on any stretch of time without abusive behaviour because it will happen again. If any woman manage ro have her partner turn around I can imagine it would only be tthrough him becoming mature and taking responsibility. This is a long process that requires a lot of hard work, self awarness and most of the tkme professional support. Apply for a non-molestation order. You can apply yourself. In doing so, you have tale and step forward towards stopping the abusive behaviour. Good luck!
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