Left him but he’s still in control

[starshinesunflower]

I left my abusive partner in the Summer but we have a baby together and he continues to make my life difficult. I just feel so stressed and anxious about what the next few months hold.
He was emotionally, financially and sexually abusive and since the moment I had our baby his abuse became worse which finally resulted in him becoming abusive towards my parents too (detail removed by moderator) but I actually should have left him way before that as despite my baby only being young, I could see the negative impact his screaming and shouting was having on her. I was also terrified he would snatch my baby or harm me/her in some way. He hadn’t been violent but the threat was always there – (detail removed by moderator)
Anyway after leaving him he claimed he was going to therapy etc. I doubt he ever did go but by that point, it would have made no difference anyway as I didn’t want a relationship with him any longer. I truly hate him but I continue to spend time with him so that he can see baby. I will not let him have unsupervised contact as he’s useless and negligent with her (detail removed by moderator)
Generally the supervised contact is civil apart from a few occasions where he has got drunk and gone on rants at me (I avoid any situations where this could occur now). The contact isn’t regular as my ex already has a new partner he’s practically living with and wants to spend most of his time with her (classic love bombing behaviour from him).
Although it may sound selfish of me, I’m really happy he does not want to see his child and I hope at some point he will have no contact at all. I’m very helpful when it comes to facilitating contact even though my ex is always last minute and vague about any plans to see baby which makes it impossible to ever plan my weekends which is frustrating and makes me feel like he still has control over my life.
He’s also making my life extremely difficult in other areas and I just wondered if anyone else had experience of what I’m going through:
1) (detail removed by moderator) I’m trying to arrange to go to the property to collect my stuff but he’s not committing to any date and I’m just worried I won’t be able to ever get my stuff back. (detail removed by moderator) Can I involve the police? Is it theft if he won’t let me have my personal possessions? Can I also report any of his past abuse if this might help?
2) My ex earns a lot of money but pays very little towards his child. I really want to apply for child maintenance but his money is the most important thing in the world to him and I imagine things will turn very nasty if I go down this route. (detail removed by moderator) I feel like if I went down the child maintenance route I wouldn’t have to constantly be chasing him for money or worrying about it. I could also start providing a better life for my child by starting to save for a place together (detail removed by moderator). I fear that all of this will start happening again and I will have to face him in court and I’m so scared he may be granted custody even though as mentioned, he’s negligent, and even though he doesn’t actually care that much about seeing her as at the moment he just does a few hours every couple of wks. If he was granted custody I genuinely fear for her but I can’t carry on in this current financial situation with him.

[BlueberryField]

I can’t really give any advice, because I haven’t left. But my partner was the same when our baby was smaller, just he knows he wasn’t and wouldn’t be capable of taking care of our child when he’s that small. He always threatened when our child is 3-5 years old he will file for full custody and will win because, I don’t work and have little money, where as he is a ‘businessman’. He said the same thing, he would pay for the most expensive lawyers to win the custody. I was scared too, so he always used that, but after I started looking for information, most likely that most courts won’t take a child away from their mother unless they pose a danger or harm to child’s well being. Even though you have less money than him it does not mean you would lose the court. They also look at who the child has a bigger bond/attachment too. If your baby girl has clothes, roof over her head, is fed and she’s happy, that’s all that matters.

I think best thing would be, to find a solicitor who specifies on domestic abuse, they usually offer 30mins free appointments, give them a call and talk to them about how could you protect yourself and your baby and how to prepare if it ever came to the point of court.

Don’t forget that your parents are already witnesnesses of his abuse! That’s a big plus!

[starshinesunflower]

This is almost exactly what my ex would say to me – because he’s a businessman and has lots of money he will win custody. He has also told me his even richer colleagues will help him to get the best lawyers.
But actually because he’s a ‘businessman’ he works long hours and is out of the country half the week, so how does he possibly think he would have the time to look after a child!?
He also does not want custody yet (as he couldn’t deal with the hard work that goes into looking after a baby) but thinks he will swan into her life when she’s a teenager to mentor her and help her become a successful mini version of him.

[BlueberryField]

This is exactly what my partner always says. That it’s the fathers job to teach children everything. He says that if I raised him alone he would grow up to be nothing, and he can teach him to be a good businessman and become rich. That’s just another manipulation into try to make you stay with them and ignore their abuse. They always use children to manipulate because for mothers, their children are the most important.
If we get into an argument he always talks about luring the child in with his money or getting the best lawyers (last time when I said he wouldn’t win the court with his money, all he said was at least he would (detail removed by moderator) in the meantime) after that, he doesn’t talk about courts but he tries to say now that our child will want to live with me when he’s older, because in the future father will be driving sorts cars and wearing designer clothes, while mother will be working a s****y job.
To him money is everything. Even when it comes to our child all he talks is money. And I know 100% that even if he was raising our child, once he’s older and would say something he didn’t like, he always talks about (detail removed by moderator). He has told me many times about (detail removed by moderator).

Whenever he gets drunk he gets very nasty with him. Taking away his toys on purpose to make him cry and if our son then comes to me, he keeps calling him (detail removed by moderator) or some other nasty word. And he’s not even (detail removed by moderator)!! Then when he’s sober he wonders why our child doesn’t want to go to him or he screams any time I leave the room.

It’s just their manipulation. Mine barely bothers playing with his son whenever he’s home and now he’s home quite a lot, but all he does is lay on the sofa and watch tv or drink. He doesn’t have a good bond with the child and that bond is not going to just happen out of nowhere. I know that even if he invested a lot of money into lawyers, it would be just enough to leave my son with him for 10-15mins and all would be clear.

Just show that you are confident that even if it came to court you know he wouldn’t win. You will see how his manipulations will change. Plus whenever there will be another woman, with him travelling for work a lot and dating he won’t find time for his daughter. And keep the record of how much he pays you and your own expenses. I think that’s another way to prove that even though he earns more but you are responsible for most of the child expenses. She’s growing fast at that age, she will constantly need bigger clothes/nappies/toys, her needs will change as she grows and even with less money than him you are your baby’s main provider.

As I mentioned before nobody will take a child away from the mother who does everything she can to provide and care for their child. You are doing a great job! Just try to be more confident around him when he talks about winning custody. He won’t!

[starshinesunflower]

Wow, again he says the same thing to me. If raising our daughter us left to me, she will amount to nothing in life. I don’t know why these men place money and a career above everything. Of course money can make life easier but despite everything he has, he’s deeply miserable and full of hatred deep down. I don’t care what my child does for a job as long as she’s happy, and it’s years and years away anyway.
I used to be scared that when she grows up she’d want to live with her Dad as he can potentially offer her so much more material love. But we give our children unconditional love and that is priceless.
You make a good point about showing who provided for her if it does go to court. When I was still with him (removed by moderator) I had to pay for everything for her even though he was earning about (removed by moderator) more than me. I even asked permission once to use his credit card to pay for her (removed by moderator) as I was really struggling financially. He agreed but then got so angry about it I ended up transferring money to him to keep the peace.

[BlueberryField]

I was the same, (removed by moderator) I was paying for everything, so once my maternity ended I told him he WILL pay for rent at least. And even now if he buys our child something he feels as if he’s the only provider for him, nevermind that I am the one who has to worry about buying clothes, toys, nappies for our child and pay for groceries, car, and the rest of the bills. But according to him my money is pennies, only because he pays for rent now or once in a few months buys some groceries himself.

I am the same as you, I still have that doubt at the back of my head of what if my son will end up wanting to live with his father? I know his father would be emotionally abusive to him and manipulative. But then I try to tell myself that he is attached to me, that I am the one who provides with that warm love and caring, I am the one who makes sure he’s fed, clean and a happy baby.
So just like you, he might shower him with materialistic things, but I want to trust my son, that he will now better who actually gives him true love and is not trying to “buy” it.

[BlueberryField]

Just wanted to add, he sees that him threatening to take away your child is scaring you, that’s another way of him trying to control you.
When I stopped showing I am scared of him getting full custody and became more confident that he won’t. it all stoped+ because I laid facts for him that no court would take the child away from their mother for no serious reason.

[BlueberryField]

@starshinesunflower if you even need to talk ny pm is always open x

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