Left my child behind

[Cantmakedecisons]

I know how that title reads and how automatically some may think I’m a terrible mother but you have to look beyond the norm.

When I left I was desperate, I needed to be out. I have never been worried about the safety of my child(ren) his anger seems only directed at me.

Now, I’m left living apart from my son. He won’t leave the family home and just a bit of coercion from his father is enough to convince him to stay.

Any advice on how I can help him and myself, so he can have some normality.

I just want to sit and hug him but his being manipulated by his dad.

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[Eggshells]

Hi hon, can you edit this to take your initial off?

I’m hoping the wise ones will be along soon with advice. xx

[Eggshells]

Until they get here, please Google “making child arrangements citizens advice”. It looks promising for you. xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

S**t, how do I edit?

[KIP.]

Have you tried women’s aid and the legal route. You have the right to see your child and have a formal legal access agreement. That way it’s enforceable by law. If you can prove abuse then you may get custody and get your ex out both of your lives.

[lionessinthedark]

Hope you’re okay! This sounds like a very traumatic experience.

If you’ve just separated, maybe look at some online resources like Gingerbread Charity. They have information on the legal side of things, getting a new home, etc.

If you need legal advice, depending on your financial situation, Legal Aid might be able to support you.

I know you feel like you might have made the wrong decision leaving him behind. But if this was necessary for you to get out, take the opportunity now, to see how you can help your son and get him out as well. Talk to your local Women’s Aid, they will be able to advise you and get you the support you need!

In the meantime, stay strong! You made it out, that was the first step, now you can look at what else is needed to for your family to be safe.

[Camel]

No one will judge you here.

I don’t have experience of custody cases, just common sense. I think the welfare of the child is at the centre of everything. This means maintaining contact with both parents, so long as there’s no risk from either.

Leaving your child behind doesn’t paint you as a bad mother. After all, fathers leave their kids behind all the time and no one says they’re bad parents.

You didn’t abandon your child. You left him with his father.

You need to get contact/custody sorted as a priority. And through the legal route. It’s not fair to burden a child of any age with the decision of who they live with. Leave that to the courts.

[fizzylem]

I would get a court arrangements order application in for 50/50. If your son is old enough to speak for himself they will take this into consideration, but you can say to cafacss he is being coerced, 50/50 is the only fair split given you are both able to care for him.

Unless you have police evidence or other evidence of a kind of the abuse you experienced, I wouldn’t get caught up in this. Family court tends to take the view that custody splits are just something that needs resolving when the parents can’t agree. Especially if you think he’s an OK father, although I would disagree here, I’m not sure he can be a good enough father when he abuses the mother.

If he’s not abused the child, he is fit to parent in their eyes. The DA doesn’t really come into it, other than when determining how to set the contact up and keep the mother safe, so, for example, is third party handovers needed here.

Decide what you want and get an application in; are you settled? Can you give him a home?

Think about how it would work, and get your application in as soon as possible, you can do this yourself, you don’t need a solicitor, but if you are eligible for legal aid you could get a solicitor to rep you. Ring round and speak to some solicitors, glean what info you can, see which ones you like, see if you can legal aid.

But in all honesty, if you think he’s a good enough father and have no safeguarding concerns, and you’re ready to have your son in your home – get your application in.

[fizzylem]

Another thought, ring cafcass, see if they can help you do some thinking around what needs to happen here, and what you can ask for in court, so you can prep beforehand and get your application right.

CAB could help you fill the form in if you’re struggling or a local women’s aid support worker.

It’s v easy to get financial help with the form if you are on benefits or low income, a simple questionairre on-line, this generates a code for your form – think its £215 to submit an application, but if you haven’t got this apply for the court fee waiver – takes minutes.

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