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I left last weekend. It was so scary but I was so emotionally broken I needed space. Since I left initially he was crying and begging me not to go. I held my ground and moved in with my sister. Since then he has been supportive with our daughter, sharing childcare and he has admitted to me and his and my family that he has been abusive towards me and an a*****e. He has said he will get help yet nothing has come of that yet. Is this another tactic to get me back , I think he thinks we can work through this and I will come back, I am very confused. It’s very confusing to me as he is so different ; has me leaving really helped him to see his bad behaviour, will he change or is this all a short term effort to get me back and then he is horrible again.
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I hate to say it but it isn’t real, he is saying words you want to hear for his benefit… if he truly held himself responsible for his behaviours then he would have sought help not just saying words.
If he truly saw and understood what he has done/does to you he would be doing more than saying sorry and telling some family members that he has been abusive and an a*****e. He has minimised his behaviour for so long it can really mess your head up, the sexual coercion is illegal, does he still do that (I am not asking you to answer, I am reminding you what he does).“I think he thinks we can work through this and I will come back, I am very confused” ….
He is banking on coming back and the cycle will start again .. have you kept a journal? That can be so helpful in these moments of self doubt.He hasn’t suddenly changed, he will change tactics once he senses you may have him back.
Do what is right for you, if you need space from him and he is changing then he will give you space and you can decide what you want to do or not want to do… do not rely on his moods, do not trust what he says, trust your gut xx
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Thank you very much for your support and advice. It’s so hard as we have a child together and I don’t want her to be affected . You’re right as of yet he has not gotten help he said he would and as the days have gone by that has not happened and he now doesn’t want to see a therapist. My family have not been supportive to me , they say he is my husband I need to help him . Which makes me feel sick they don’t understand what abuse is and how awful he has been to me .
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I understand your worries re your child i really do… i was raised to stick by my husband, to keep marriage issues to myself… i stayes for decades, ny husband just got worse.. I have 2 children and can say that yes, even when little,.DA/DV does affect them, my 2 are in therapy.
Can you stay with your sister? Not all my family supported me, we don’t ‘get divorced’ in my family… I wanted to keep my family unit together, thinking that that’s better for my children.. until the blinkers came away and I realised I was completely controlled, intimidated, constantly walking on eggshells, sexual coercion… all of it… without much violence as he didn’t need to hit me, he shoved, pushed and showed me his strength earlier on and I was terrified he would batter me, he would joke how easy I would be to break… like w*f! Who thinks like that! My children overheard that one 😔 but we have worked though lots!
Your family do not understand DA, however that’s why we have Woman’s Aid as they do understand and will help you, it really sounds like you need support, or ring the National Abuse helpline… do whatever it takes to stay away from him if you can (so long as that doesn’t put you in danger)…
We are all here for you ❤️
I am sorry your family do not understand, they may one day but for now use the help, support that you do have x
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This is classic hoovering.
How do you know he’s told his family? Did you actually hear that conversation or are you relying in his word?
Mine admitted to rape and coercive control. He also told me that he’d told his family that he had raped me and that he’d been abusive. By the reaction of his family when I left, I’m confident that he hadn’t told them. Infact, they were so hostiletpwards me that I suspect he’d painted himself as an innocent victim of my “mid life crisis”. I know he told others that I’d gone mad. Once he knew I was leaving anyway, all confessions were retracted and he completely denied ever having admitted it.
They will say anything to try and hoover you back in. If you go back, he’ll slip back into his abusive ways. If you stay away he’ll slip back into his abusive ways. At least if you stay away you’ll have some distance from him to help protect you.
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Hi Jeeves,
I am in an almost identical situation apart from its he who has gone due to me calling the police.
He’s self reffered to a perpetrator programme and is admitting he’s abusive, he’s sorry and totally broken.
He also seems to think we can get back together because of this and I’m feeling sorry for him because he’s being like a different person.
It’s so confusing and part of me wants to believe him but the other part of me thinks he can’t and won’t change.
I don’t know what I’m going to do tbh.
Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone and I totally understand how you are feeling.
Lots of love -
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My one got married 4 months ago. He spend Christmas with my kids and me demand to stay over nights as I said no drama started I have now injunction in place and I find out about his marriage now he denied when I ask in December. When he was nice I new something was wrong yep has wife soon another child well I’m glad I trusted my own self . They don’t change they play better game. They are nice when they have some els already.
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They become like a different person when they want you back, but it is all definitely an act and part of the controlling games they play.
It’s often hard to see the control when there is always an apology and future faking about how things will be better.
I wasted over a year and a half falling for the old hoovering tactics and they never change, they actually get worse and the abuse gets worse, the neglect continues and you hit yet another low when the discard comes again….they always discard us in the end.
Again, it’s all part of the game.
Trust your gut.
That feeling is telling you what is not acceptable and that you’re not safe.
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