Letting go is tough

[Amethystrainbow]

I’ve been with my Husband (detail removed by moderator) years, married (detail removed by moderator). The first infidelity was (detail removed by moderator) in. That was apparently my fault. And then I didn’t get over it quick enough so the dating sites were next. Then just a catalogue of infidelity, blame, being lovely, blame, not letting go quick enough and on and on. In the middle of all this I was starting with perimenopause which came with increased anxiety which wasn’t helped by a car accident he caused in a temper (my fault he reacted 🙄) For a while I lost who I was but knew that I was not to blame for his behaviour even though I may have been struggling myself. (detail removed by moderator) I began to stand up to him and tried put in boundaries but he ignored them. The lies increased and so I went to counselling for me. It actually made us grow further apart as I began to understand who he really was. For (detail removed by moderator) months he was on a swinging site and when I found out told me it was just to chat. That was my breaking point. Since then he has pretended to have depression and illness, then when that didn’t work, got angry. All because I wanted him to leave. I wasn’t prepared to lose my home of (detail removed by moderator) years which he is not on the tenancy for. I have been strong but today after he accused me of being an abuser to him I am left questioning myself. Did I help us get here? Logically I know he owns his behaviour but emotionally I’m adrift. Anyone else felt like this? He is due to leave at the end of the month.

[diymum@1]

he has accused you of being the abuser – this is actually classic – this is projection this id his confession no you are not an abuser the abuser always mirrors his actions back on us xx you didnt help you to get there he did all off this xx theyre all the same hun. someone who cheats lacks empathy has no remorse and absolutely no integrity. you do have these qualities – in time you will realise this you might be seeing this through the fog of abuse? i know i couldnt see clearly but once hes gone this will dawn on you xx your DEFINITELY not to blame xx best wishes diymum

[KIP.]

Ask yourself what you’re really letting go of. A serial cheater and liar and manipulator. It’s tough letting go of our dreams and hopes of a good future with someone we loved. Sadly they don’t love us. He’s turning himself into the victim to gain the upper hand. Don’t believe a word he says. I doubt he will be going anywhere without a fight and this is a dangerous time for you while trying to end an abusive relationship. Ring women’s aid and ask for help with a safe exit plan. If you were an abuser you wouldn’t be on this site. Abusers don’t admit they’re wrong or go for help because in their mind it’s always someone else to blame. Ending any long term relationship can be difficult. It’s become normal to you and as human beings we crave what is normal. Have you tried counselling with a domestic abuse trained counsellor on your own?

[Amethystrainbow]

Thank you both. I do know this isn’t a norm I want to sustain but it has become that and I think you’re right in that I’m grieving for all the things it should have been and that’s what really hurts. I am having counselling yes and it is helping. I guess I find it really difficult to understand because I’m not like that as you say. As I’m staying in my home would an exit strategy work around this too as I will certainly look into this?

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