This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Iwantmeback 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #73533
     Overcome 
    Participant

    Hello all,

    I am at the stage in the cycle right now where I have one foot out of the door. He has been using all the tactics to either get me to stay or to leave. I have only just started the realisation phase so am heavily sensitive to HIM still.

    I am wondering whether to allow myself to ‘try again’ as it were to see if what I know now about the cycle of abuse is really happening or whether he is right and it is all in my mind? He is coercive in nature not physical (apart from a couple of occasions where he smashed up some of my belongings, but he is clever so will not do that again) so I don’t fear for my physical safety. And now I am starting to wake up I feel like I can protect myself more.

    I was planning on documenting anything that happens as I haven’t done that in the past, and then I can see in black and white exactly what is happening. And how much my actions are contributing to it.

    Truth be told I also want to make sure I can get out and support myself properly so want to secure my new job and get some money behind me too. I realise that is selfish but I will be coming away from this relationship with nothing, all my effort and money I’ve put into the house I have no proof for.

    Has anyone else done this? Thoughts?

    Thank you all,
    Overcome

  • #73539
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    I only have two sentences which are such a stark reality they are difficult to take. But I am meaning them with kindness and I’m sure other ladies will support too.
    Firstly you have done so well posting on here. Wish I had had this forum when I was going through all that. Advice from me is to keep posting.
    Third sentence – please get in touch with women’s aid. Immediately. Reason beign that we all have no clue when and how abuse can escalate and we all know it can, very suddenlty and also when contemplating leaving is most dangerous time.Lastly, and this is stark but staying alive and well has to be your first priority.. All else, job, house finances can be sorted out but that can’t.

    Thinking of you this morning and wishing you strength. International women’s day on Friday..a good day to leave if there was one…?
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #73540
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi There, from the sounds of it youve made up your mind about leaving and you are only just coming to terms with what hes done/doing – being abusive. he has conditioned you into thinking this is your fault, saying stuff like your crazy, you drive me to this? all tactics to throw you off by making you feel confused so that you cant act ie leave him. I wouldnt under estimate these guys because they will escalate the abuse if they think youve got your mind straight on all of this and are ready to act/ take action. Id keep your thoughts to yourself from him for now, call WA and ask what you should do? some of the other women on here and WA will be able to talk you through the financial side of things and it sounds like you need some legal advice. He should really be the one leaving the home, its his behaviour that has caused this situation at the end of the day. One thing i will say is emotional abuse is every bit as bad as physical. It erodes your confidence over time and can make you feel like the world is collapsing around you. Never take what an abuser says to you at face value there is always an alterior motive. Put yourself first now as the recovery from this takes a long time especially with more and more exposure xx write down in a journal whats happened already and also document with the GP how this is affecting you xx

  • #73695
     LozzyX 
    Participant

    Hi Overcome

    A journal was definitely the beginning of my escape and yes , it starts to help you see the pattern of the abuse forming. It also helps to remind you later of all the things he has done .. it stops you minimising whats happened during the calm periods …

    The fact that your recognising it’s abuse, and reaching out on here is the start of your escape and path to a new life.

    I have only very recently left a long emotionally and financially abusive relationship … And if it wasn’t for the advice of this forum , my journal and friends I don’t think I would have gone through with it … Already I feel in a much better place.

    Start to think about your support network- anyone you can stay with temporarily if becomes necessary , or contact WA for advice, get your important paper work and a overnight bag ready just in case you do need to leave quickly – after advice from here I did that and it really did help when the situation became too much I was able to leave without looking back.

  • #73704
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Overcome, welcome to the forum, you dont have to prove anything my friend, he’s being abusive, writing it down won’t change it though it will give you in black and white the evidence we minimise. YOU are in no way contributing to how he treats you or talks to you, he just uses that as an excuse in his mind to justify his treatment of you.
    I too don’t fear for my physical safety, but when I tell others what he’s like there like if that was me I’d be out of there, guess I’ve minimised his behaviour too often now fir too long.
    If you’re looking for evidence, try journalling from the most recent episode and work your way backwards, I have a few notebooks, one contains things I remember when I remember so I can include at another time in chronological order, (which is harder than it sounds) I’ve also written down different types of behaviour from the books I’ve read and cross referenced it with stuff he’s done. Try and keep what you write as factual as possible, it’ll help in the long run if it ever goes to court or for the divorce. facts can’t be lied over, feelings can be.
    You’re not being selfish in wanting to see if you can manage on your own financially, that’s probably one of the biggest reasons women stay apart from trauma bonding. But being safe is paramount to being able to manage financially. Better off living with less money but being happy and free to make your own choices than living with abusive behaviour and shrivelling away for fear of not managing. I think I’m trying to convince myself here as much as you by the way.
    Just because there no proof about your contributions to the house there will be somewhere. Have you spoken to your local WA yet, they have their own solicitors who specialise in domestic abuse and will advise you on the right path to follow. Cohabiting couples also have rights when separating. Even if the house is in his name alone.
    Good luck
    IWMB 💕💕

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