Lies, alcohol and financial abuse

[twicebitten]

I can’t believe I’ve just written that. This is now my second terrible relationship. I had been in very violent one from the off. Went to a brilliant refuge, left and meet a kind, stable man (I thought). I don’t know if its an abusive relationship but I feel shamed and stupid and afraid. First, (detail removed by Moderator) in I discovered he was an alcoholic and because of that, he lied constantly. He says he’s stopped drinking – drinks only non-alcoholic beer but the lying has esculated. He takes my money, what little there is and when I try to leave him, he slashes his hands or says he has cancer. He has done anger managemnt in the past but says (and I was such a fool to believe this), that it was his partner who abused him and fooled the police. He is with me almost 24/7. I feel dead inside. I want to go to refuge again but who cares about lying and money stuff? I had bruises and was maraked before.

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum,

That’s a shock for you to find out you’ve been targeted by an abuser again. Its not our fault. We can’t hide what we are from the outside world. Our goodness, kindness and empathy shines through in the way we laugh, talk or hold ourselves. Abuser’s can spot us a mile off and they will target us for the ‘fuel’ of our emotions (upset, anger etc). They then feel good about themselves. They have no kindness or empathy. They lie, they abuse emotionally and financially.

You didn’t cause it, you can’t control them or change them, you can only try and extricate yourself from the abusive relationship. This is a shock for you when you realize the truth of your relationship. We have all been at that stage. Its hard but its the first necessary step to get away.

Keep posting and reading the posts on here to gain and maintain strength to leave him.

[SunshineRainflower]

Abuse isn’t just physical, he is being abusive in a more covert way, but it isn’t any less damaging, and the physical abuse can and often does happen later down the line with men like this sadly. We are so vulnerable when we leave one abuser, it’s so easy to fall for another, they can sense our vulnerability a mile off. I had got away from two lying cheats before meeting my ex, who seemed absolutely wonderful when I first met him, a safe haven in a sea of bad men. He was in fact a dangerous psychopath, the worst of them all! I could have vomited when I realised, I couldn’t believe I’d ended up with someone who was not only a compulsive pathological liar, but a remorseless cheat, someone who liked violence and who was slowly getting more and more abusive by the day. He seemed incredibly sweet and innocent when I first met him, it was truly horrifying to see through the mask.

You’re not alone. There are a lot of bad ones out there sadly, we just have to learn to spot them and run for the hills. Have you done the freedom programme/power to change and read living with the dominator? I’m reading lots and lots and its helping, although I am very wary of men because some of them are so incredibly skilled at appearing to be amazing when in reality they are our worst nightmares in desguise. Others have said it’s easier to spot the bad ones in time.

The refuge won’t judge you for needing to return, or for not being physically hurt, they understand the abuse cycle, the coercive control side of things. This man is already lying, stealing and not giving you your space and freedom, as well as emotionally manipulating you. Definitely ring the helpline, your local team and the refuge and get the support you are entitled to, and keep posting.

[twicebitten]

Thank you both for your wonderful replies. I am going to do a better post later but scared of him coming in to find me on laptop. Just wanted to say that I’m so grateful. from your replies I can almost beleive that I am not bad or mad – well not perfect of course – but feeling that it’s not me being cruel to him as he says. I can’t leave at the moment. Can’t leave my poor old dog again and there are no rescue centres any more for pets of abused women. I am very hungry as he won’t buy food for me and depressed as I can’t afford the prescriptions for my anti-depressents (kind pharmacist told me how to get them free being on low income but we’re not,it’s just I have no access to money) This will go on and then he will suddenly bring me loads of food and £20 to ‘enjoy’ myself so I don’t know where my head is at… Thank you again. I will ring refuge but scared they will tell police and if they visit,he will go mad with me. Sorry to hear your sad tales but full of admiration for what you’ve done

[Lisa]

Hi Twicebitten

Welcome to the Forum, you have been really brave to say a bit about your situation, and I am glad to see you have had some good support already. In regards to your dog you could call the RSPCA pet retreat service, as in many parts of the country they are able to put survivor’s animals with foster families while you go into refuge, their number is 0300 123 8278.
Your partner sounds very financially abusive and to be left without food and medication sounds very worrying. If you want to go into a refuge again you can call the 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247 where they can look for spaces for you. You don’t need to have been physically assaulted to be able to access refuge accommodation and you can call the helpline completely confidentially. I am sorry to hear you are having to go through this again, you don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Take Care and keep posting

Lisa

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear scenario u are in, please reach out to support agencies and help get yourself out again , you did it once , you can do it again

[Author]

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