15th June 2016 at 2:56 pm #19192
I am seeing someone via WA, he still lives here, he has a caution for assault and controlling behaviour. It occurred to me recently that actually what he’s been telling everyone for the last twenty years is lies. What isn’t lies I don’t know. This is serious stuff, he’s been receiving treatment and is arranging further treatment for complex ptsd, only he hasn’t really got it, or at the very least not to the extent that he claims. This worries me a great deal because if it isn’t real then he can’t be cured, he is still lying and nothing will change, nothing will get better, it can’t. It doesn’t make sense.
15th June 2016 at 4:30 pm #19196
Hello there, yes, you’ve got it. Confusing and painful as it is to accept. Your instincts are one hundred percent correct. He chooses to abuse. He will never change but you can. You can escape from the hell that is their world ❤️
It doesn’t make sense to us because we are normal people. They are not and there are no rules in their world. Lie is what they do. They lie, gas light, promise the earth just to retain control. When the control starts to slip, they up their game. Pretending to get ‘help’. If they don’t know how to behave at this point of adulthood, they never will, save yourself👍
15th June 2016 at 4:42 pm #19200LisaMain Moderator
Dear Tilly Lamp,
I am glad to hear that you are seeing someone via WA already. You mentioned that he is receiving treatment for complex PTSD. In terms of domestic abuse, any mental health issues are completely separate. There is no justification for any kind of abuse, abuse is consistent and repeated behavior. Unfortunately, this means in terms of his lies and his treatment towards you, that isn’t going to change unless he wants to change.
Make sure your WA worker is discussing all options with you, so that you can access ongoing support and make a safety plan to leave in the future if you wish to.
I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.
Take care and keep posting
15th June 2016 at 4:57 pm #19202
Thank you for your kindness. I am in my (age removed by moderator) and this has been going on for over twenty years. I do believe he has some mental health problems, but not the ones he is being treated for! And has been treated for for the last twenty years! I think the initial stuff was used to reel me in over 20 years ago. He claims that things were so traumatic he’s never really got over it. Only that’s not the case, it seems. Knowing what I know now, I strongly suspect that she just tried to finish things and this is his story to justify things in his head. I think he couldn’t countenance being dumped by anyone. I suspect he is a covert n********t. He has never worked and I have always looked after him and been unable to work because he needed looking after. Good grief, I sound like an idiot. I was an intelligent, well educated woman at some point but I rather think that was many years ago. The more I look the more I feel that I have been duped, and for a very long time.
15th June 2016 at 5:07 pm #19203
I was duped for nearly 3 decades, they are good at it. Hopefully women’s aid can explain things to you. How they use guilt to keep you. It’s a shocking thing to realise someone you love and thought loved you in return has been abusing you. Hard to get your brain to accept it. Keep posting x
15th June 2016 at 7:26 pm #19211
Kip, it is scary. I’m frightened to bring it up, and probably won’t but it’s made me more scared than I was and I’m having to behave as though all is perfectly normal. This is hard.
15th June 2016 at 10:08 pm #19230
Dear Tilly, my ex was a covert n********t and a very confident and skilled liar. He lied to everybody. His treatment towards me almost broke me mentally, it has taken months to even begin to feel better. But feel better you will. Please do get all of your thoughts out on here, i post so much, sometimes you don’t get any response but that doesn’t matter as just writing things down gets it out of your system somewhat. I am intelligent professional woman but he brought me down until I felt like nothing and that he was some sort of supreme god. The books that I like that and that helped me so much in the early stages of our break up, all free to read on Amazon, 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships and all books by HG Tudor. Invisible Chains & Why does he do that are also both excellent. My ex’s hooks were firmly imbedded into my psyche but I can feel them coming loose now. I am smiling on the inside. Good luck Tilly. X*X
15th June 2016 at 10:12 pm #19232
ps, i believe my ex has mental health problems too and I feel pity for him, that he will not have much happiness in his life.
16th June 2016 at 9:03 am #19267
Thank you everyone for your kind advice.
I am posting her as Healthyarchive has suggested just to get it out. I was woken at (detail removed by Moderator) this morning and told how awful I am for calling the police on him and putting him in a cell, I am a b***h and a manipulator and I’m re-writing history and re-framing the real narrative and I’m the abusive one and I should be in a cell!
An hour later, lots of apologies, it all comes spilling out, it’s the abuse in the past as well, the story of which has changed recently, apparently he was drugged and prostituted, he’s always claimed he was drugged, I don’t think I believe him and I certainly don’t believe he was prostituted in any way shape or form. He denied calling me a b***h and denied saying that I bashed our children.
There was a build up to this, he told me during the day that he’d had nightmares about prison rape, then we had to turn (detail removed by Moderator) off because the people that abused him ((detail removed by Moderator) years ago and very probably not to the extent he claims) had a (detail removed by Moderator) mask. This was couched in terms of ‘but I don’t expect you to remember all my trauma!” We’ve watched (detail removed by Moderator) a million times over the years! It’s a nonsense, but was obviously a build up to all of this.
16th June 2016 at 10:15 am #19274SaharaDParticipant
Hi Tillylamp and welcome.
I have a mental illness and at times I would describe my past behaviour as abusive towards my ex abusive husband.
Due to this and his abuse, I decided to leave him twice.
The first because I was mentally out of control and the second because I maintained my composure and he assaulted me physically to get a reaction.
If you change and not put up with him anymore, he will escalate. As long as you bend over backwards to keep him happy he will just continue to control and have power over you.
Abusers often portray themselves as the victim never a survivor.
Due to my mental health, I can be difficult to live with so I chose to live alone.
Maybe your partner should live alone too instead of ruining the rest of your life.
17th June 2016 at 6:48 pm #19403
Today I am in trouble for not admitting that part of this is my fault, that I am not perfect in a relationship(detail removed by moderator)
Today, I have no idea if I’m being abused or not. I am confused, he wants it to work but is angry with me (and he says himself) for the statement, for putting him there, for not thinking it through and getting him out of there. Today we sat, yet again and talked about how c**p his life is, for hours. But hey, he can change for me and still write that book, or do something else.
I am so confused. He’s now lying on the couch trying to calm his anxiety and I don’t know what to do.
17th June 2016 at 8:13 pm #19424
Never forget he chooses to behave the way he does. You are not responsible for his actions. Many people are victims of abuse. They dont turn into abusers. Hes sucking the life and vitality from you.
20th June 2016 at 9:56 am #19634
Thank you Kip.. We didn’t have a terrible day yesterday, but we didn’t have a good day either. One of our daughters was teasing him and he went off for a sulk. I followed to calm things and he called her snidey and manipulative. Not very nice. She isn’t. She can be a pain, but she’s had a rough time and is under CAHMS, partly because of his behaviour. I am writing these just so that it’s out there somewhere because he will deny it later and I need to know it’s real and it’s not me. Thank you for being patient with me, everybody.
It’s always my fault for starting it too, does anyone else get this? They’re always the instigator of the trouble? Crikey, I hardly know what I can and can’t say day to day!
20th June 2016 at 10:45 am #19639
Dear Tilly, I never ever got an apology, even If it was him who did something wrong. Nor would he talk about problems or admit anything. If he did something wrong which hurt me and I got angry and upset, he would shut down, walk off and give me the silent treatment. I would have to chase after him, beg, plead and apologize (for the thing that he had done wrong and which I were really hurt about). Its sick, twisted and abnormal.
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