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Hi everyone, can I start by saying your all so inspiring and I thrive of this forum it helps so so much!
I have felt the heartbreak, the over whelming dark thoughts, physical pain as well as emotional. Yesterday I was ok not a bad day but today I’m back down. This is the worst rollercoaster of emotions I have been on accept for living with my ex. I’m struggling and I don’t know why! I left him and didn’t want to be around him at all. So why now that he’s moved on after (detail removed by moderator) do I still care and my heart break at the the thought at him not wanting me any more -
It’s abuse, brainwashing and programming. It’s also trauma bonding. Mind games that make us dependent on them for our self worth. Try taking a step back and think of this man abusing a loved one? You would instantly know he was s**m. It’s going to take time to rewire all that brain washing and programming he’s done to you. It’s mind blowing dysfunctional behaviour. Read Healing from Hidden Abuse and Living with the Dominator.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking he thinks the way you do. He has zero empathy, sympathy, or remorse. He will simply go through life abusing because that’s what he chooses to do. It’s just who he is x -
Hey H, it is painful for a while, I found educating myself one of the keys, helped me to understand what occured and why, the type of man he is, the type of person I am that was ripe for exploitation.
A period of time to attend to the feelings of loss you feel are important – the heart break, any time you spend in this is never wasted, even though it feels so very painful, it is the way forwards.
Knowing that you can be with this pain and not contact him takes a bit of time but becomes self empowering eventually once you know and feel this, the more distance you put between you and him the stronger you become, it helps shape your thinking, affirms in your mind this is what is best and right for me. It’s over and I am thankful for this. I, we, this really is done now and as sad and as hard as this feels it is a good thing.
The plans you made, the hopes you held for such a long time that there would be a brighter day, the person you hoped he would be, the relationship you hoped you would have, all need mourning. I had this idea, hope, wish that we would be that close loving family one day, I strived to try and make this happen for a long time, kept it hidden from everyone that is wasn’t really like this, so once I’d finally let go of this, after a hell of a lot time holding onto this when we were together, I was left with nothing, meant I had to sit in the stillness and the pain for a while, focus on my child and self care only really, each day at time, until eventually I found I was starting to make new plans, new hopes and dreams, little ones to begin with, after weeks of not being able to do much or plan a thing.
It will come, it’s very early days for you. Tissues, chocolate and movies that make you cry – full Bridget Jones style! To get it all out of your system.
If you spend time with your emotional pain though, as is needed, be mindful that you also need to approach what happened with honesty too, not get fooled by your heart, you ended it for good reasons and this is what you needed to do. The head ends it, knows he wasnt right for me, but the heart takes a bit of time to catch up, even tries to fool with the head sometimes as it doesn’t want to feel the pain, wants the pain to go away, this is the time when we are vulnerable, when women can react to the emotion and take him back, it’s an attempt to stop the pain, doesn’t work, leads you staright back into the cycle, and more pain. The options are always the same aren’t they, abusive relationship or free of him and abuse; riding the pain out is always the answer.
Cry until you cant cry anymore, and try to sleep off as much as you can. I found writing him letters never to send helped me a great deal, what I was angry with him about, all the things he did to hurt me, a good bye letter, helped me to really think about things and spend time with how I felt; process it all.
Try to give yourself a break too though, not sink lower than low for too long, a walk outside, run a bath, acknowledge these thoughts can feel tortorous, so redressing the balance is helpful, being real, reminding yourself why you left as well, some time with how you feel is needed, but not all of the time, they can become all consuming, obsessive even for a while if you’re anything like me, I made myself do other things too as I felt more able; alot of sleep was good for me, if you can try to work out what is good for here, what I need, and process how you feel, eventually there will be less time needed in this and you gravitate to more time in anything else that helps x
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I don’t really have any advice, but I feel the same way at the moment, and have done since I left. One minute I’m ok and start making plans for things to look forward to, then the next I’m lying on the floor in tears thinking nothing will ever be ok again. At first each mental state would last for a few days, or even weeks, but now my mood constantly changes every couple of hours for no apparent reason. I can’t decide whether it’s better because the bad times are shorter or whether it’s worse because the ok times are shorter as well and when I’m in a relatively good mood I know it won’t last long, even though I want it to. It makes it worse that my Husband is having the time of his life without me, going travelling with different women while I’m not any better than I was when I left. I’m sure your ex’s new relationship won’t last long, my Husband had loads of girlfriends before he met me, he only went out with them for a few weeks each. Hopefully she sees what he’s really like and leaves before it gets worse. He’s probably just trying to make people jealous and make it seems like he’s doing well even if he isn’t xx
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I am feeling exactly the same as you it was days now it’s through out the day. Iv taken this as a positive though because the ok times are creeping in! And I have flickers of self belief now and then which is better than having none.. your not alone far from it.
Let him have his holidays with random women wouldn’t you rather wait for someone to love just that one person who gets you, knows your likes and dis likes etc.. because that’s what I’m going to wait for. A partner that is caring and genuine. -
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I wake up every morning and lie there with that horrible pain and think of him
Not lying next to me but waking with her, but this morning Iv woke different… I thought of all the bad times and how he was and for the first time I thought thank god he isn’t waking up with me! Time does help and I’m also on anxiety tablets I find it so hard to let go of things being a Taurus but I hope this is the start of good thoughts and feelings because I am No longer in his prison. And niether is my daughter. -
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to all of you ladies, big hugs.
I went to see doc the other day, for a review on my medications, antidepressant.And i kind of had a mental review on the past 30 years, my 2 relationships. I dont know how i am still here, as i should be in hospital and i knwo there are thousend of other women like this outside.A big hug to all for going through all what you have and hepefully life in now to live, happy and free. -
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I’m having a c****y day today, I wish I could switch my mind of I seem to punish myself and think I wonder what they are doing right now and picture them laughing and holding hands etc. It burns so deep! I’m keeping up with my journal as I can write it all down. Iv had a few good days but today I just want to cry and ask why. Why do this to me.
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Hi Happiermex
I just wanted to show you some support. Sorry to hear that you had a bad day yesterday. It’s completely normal to have bad days, stay strong, there are lots of good days ahead. It’s great that you are keeping a journal, keep trying to focus on yourself as you deserve to be happy.
I hope you have a good day today and be kind to yourself.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Hi all today is abit better thank you. I think the up and down is going to be part of the process for abit. And when we are aloud out I’m sure I will see them a lot more as we live in the same area which isn’t great.. but the show must go on. And the emotions will fade over time I’m hoping. I know for sure I will never go back. Just wish he lived a million miles away lol x
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