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Hello
It took me about (detail removed by moderator) to get out of a coercive controlling relationship of (detail removed by moderator). Many lawyers and mediators. It was a solicitor (detail removed by moderator) who witnessed the signs for herself and went beyond her remit to free me. I will be forever grateful to her.
Now I have my own home, dog, children and grandchildren nearby and neighbours.
Every time I have a good conversation I wait to be cut off or belittled. When I meet someone new I wait for them to be convinced I am not worth knowing. When I garden, I feel watched. The ghost of my ex haunts me. I know this will fade little by little as the good experiences increase. But it will be some time before the shadows and haunting of past hurts leave me. Or I find ways to shrug them off. My ex was not physically abusive but his sense of ownership and control has left marks on my psyche that feel physical.
I have had a long successful career and have just started a new one. I have friends who have known me throughout all of this. Only my daughters really understand what I have been through.
I started this new topic in case others would like to share something like this. -
Hi, that’s (detail removed by moderator) years of brainwashing to unravel so it’s going to take time. Try making a list of things you can do now without his ghost. Or toxic smell. Write down three positives every day. Retraining your brain. Have you had counselling? I was with my ex for decades too. The things I can do now are listen to music I choose without fear of criticism. Watch total rubbish on the tv without fearing being ridiculed. Make my own mistakes and deal with the consequences myself. Buy what I want without putting his needs first. Stay in bed. Go to bed in the afternoon. Nap on the couch. Things I do now without a second thought. Good riddance to bad rubbish x
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Yes. Buying things for my new home I’m finding it nearly impossible to make decisions without his voice in my head. x
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Sorry I think I’ve got my replies mixed up.
onwards!
Hello Bananaboat,
Yes, I have that too – his voice in my head when I make any decisions. I am finding a childish way of just treating choices like they don’t matter. Worse than that is feeling unable to do anything nice for myself. I hate that I got so used to having his permission that without it I feel kind of empty.
When I remember I use the words ‘as if’. I do things ‘as if’ i want to. I’ve got to believe all of this will start to feel like me again.
What works for you?
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Hi skidaddling
I also stayed for as long as you. Whilst I can measure my departure from him in years, it’s not as long as you have been free. It’s taken me this long to get into my own home after several moves and homeless spells. I’ve struggled to hold down a job in my own career going from one temporary job to another. I just can’t seem to pull it out of the bag when I interview for permanent posts.
At my last interview, I walked into the room to see all three male interviewers sitting behind a long row of desks. My chair was placed directly facing them. I knew two of the interviewers and they are lovely but old scars sent me into a panic. I felt so intimidated that I thought I was going to faint at one point.
How do you set about finding a new career so late in life? I have no idea where to start. I just know that I can’t keep barrelling from one job to another. I need some security.
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Hello, Eggshells,
I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you.
I relate to having problems with men. Even though I know they are mostly decent, I expect them to be like him. But that set-up at your interview was horrible, very intimidating! That would have freaked me. My ex watched me a lot so having two men observing while one asked the question would have shaken me for sure.
My new career is a low earner that gives me a place in the world – rebuilding self-worth is job in itself hey?
by the way I expressed my intro badly I’ve been out of trap for (detail removed by moderator). So, early days!
I’m glad you replied, thanks and I hope you see the way to finding some security
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The DWP sent me on a course about how to be an (detail removed by moderator). Considering I have been one for most of my life this should have been easy. But I had to write down what I was good at and all I could hear was him putting me down. I did manage to get a few good jobs, but took me a while to get that voice to shut up.
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Hi. I felt much the same when I got away. I spent a lot of time planning escape routes and hiding places in my head, constantly on edge that he would find me. I also struggled with relationships (freinds / conversation) and trust issues and confidence. I felt like I’d lost myself somehow.
One of the things I did that has really helped is the Freedom Program. You can sign up to do it online and it doesn’t cost much (about £20 I think for the whole course). I did it online via zoom. After that I did the Freedom Forever course, and they then set up a WhatsApp group for the ladies who’d done the course together to stay in contact and continue to support each other. It really was a game-changer.
Take care lovely.
GR x
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