Life after it all

[Thewounded]

A little back story, I was with a man whom I was building a foundation with. I have had my doubts then came the abuser. We crossed eyes in a (removed by moderator), he was with someone I had met through a dating app and went on a date with. The abuser pursued me on (removed by moderator) and we started talking. I had slowly found out about him through people who knew him a little too well! We met once and he strongly convinced me that I end my platonic relationship and be with him. It’s like he took over my thought process and made me feel that I couldn’t get a good life without him. Days after we went on a date (removed by moderator) and to get some food but he didn’t want to eat and then he took me to an isolated place, he poured me a drink and all of a sudden I could not remember anything apart from spilt seconds of that night. All I knew is that I lost an (removed by moderator) and that I work up feeling very unwell. I have never felt so sick and disgusted.
The abuse kept on coming, he would keep apologising but repeat the same mistakes. He would meet me at my hours that was beyond my boundaries. If I didn’t listen he would punish me by ignoring me. He has harassed me by calling me in the night so I couldn’t sleep and once drove to my residential road and expected me to sneak out of the house.
This was all (removed by moderator) years ago and since then I have been seen therapists and been trying to deal with it but I find it difficult to let go of it all. I just don’t understand how someone like him who has physically hit a woman in public and owns (removed by moderator) can be getting married to a younger woman than me whom (removed by moderator) have set him up with.
I have always wanted a family of my own and yearned to give my best version to someone but for that person to destroy me and make me feel lost and extreme amount of guilt.
I see them on social media; entertaining themselves and living my dream. I know that the concept of mirrors and smokes comes to play and my (removed by moderator) has stated that the only way a n********t can only survive is to find a younger supply to mould and keep them close to prevent others to find out the truth.

[Lisa]

Hi Thewounded,

Welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry to hear of your past experience of abuse. It’s understandable that even after time has past, it is difficult to ‘let go’ and move forward with life. This is absolutely normal and many women here I’m sure, can assure you not only how challenging it is to heal from, but that it is absolutely possible to. It can take time to process trauma and abuse, so allow for this.

It’s important you have access to the right professional support to help you to move forward. You may want to talk to your local domestic abuse service to see what emotional support they offer or if they can provide links to good, specialist counsellors.

Also, The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

You could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website.

Know that the new relationship your ex has started will be abusive as well. You have done well to come out of it as ultimately you can now move on to a better life for yourself.

Take care,

Lisa

[Author]

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