Life now I’ve left… now what?

[Galabeee]

I’m not sure if here is the right place to post, but I had a long post about leaving, and now I am (detail removed by Moderator) weeks out I wasn’t sure whether to keep going there or here…
I am struggling to find my *place* again now I’ve left …. I can’t get my head around my marriage having ended in the way it has or with such a feeling of unsafety … I can’t get my head around the person I thought I was safest with in the world (or one of those people anyway) being someone who could cause so much hurt and fear… and how much is still being made out to be my “fault” or about what I’ve “done” or not (to “justify” behaviour which is abusive) .

Lots of things in life look the same….work, friends (just a different journey now I’ve moved areas) … but it’s stupid day to day things like having to sort out everything on my own , sorting all the things that come with a new place (and a temporary one as this won’t be where I stay “forever” or even long term) . Everything feels in limbo, and like I’m not sure what to do next.. I’m just wheel spinning, each evening trying to numb out my feelings , my jaw feels constantly clenched and tense, and I feel like I might not be able to catch myself emotionally if I let the feelings in …

What have other people done in the immediate / medium term of leaving that has helped? I’m trying to stay active- yoga, gym, walking the dogs, seeing friends.. eating/ cooking, reading/ tv is hard at the moment as my concentration feels shot to pieces… magazines are about my concentration level…

I just feel a bit lost right now..

[swanlake]

Thinking of you. Self care like walking and yoga sounds great. I’ve been unwell mentally and have tried medication and counselling.
You’re right that daily life seems to continue and it’s weird after having been through so much.
I’ve been doing lots of arty hobby stuff at home, anything to occupy mind and body is meant to be therapeutic.

[AloneWolf]

I don’t have any advice as I am really struggling and can’t face doing anything at the moment.

But I wanted to say well done for getting out and well done for continuing as much of your life as possible. It sounds like you are doing good things to help yourself. Keep reaching out on here too xx

[Bananaboat]

A week or two after leaving I remember standing in my bedroom not knowing who I was or what I wanted to wear – what did I like?! I’d completely lost myself and only being out and starting to feel free did it then hit me. I started a note book whenever I heard a song I liked or remembered a film I’d watched, started cooking a meal I liked rather than what I thought I should. It’s a really weird stage. You could keep busy and fill your time with new hobbies or you could slow down/stop for a short period. Neither is right or wrong, it’s what works for you. Stopping might help you to relax, listen to your body & mind and try to rediscover who you were and who you want to be. Often we’ve lived in survival mode for so long we feel like we have to keep busy/doing, and we’ve been conditioned not to relax. In that initial phase I loved to read (he’d hated me reading) but then a few months later my body rejected reading and I couldn’t get past a page, thankfully it’s coming back. Your body and mind needs some time to adjust xx

[1234fr]

Hi
I was where uou are now and I am now (detail removed by Moderator) years on from (detail removed by Moderator) we split and I can promise you it gets better
I can look back and think of all the emotions and staring a ceilings that I did, no energy and fear but here I am
Now (detail removed by Moderator) years later thinking thank goodness I got through that! There are low times and no energy and confusion but my story told quick was my ex was abusive physically and emotionally and after his last violent act he left the kids and I …(detail removed by Moderator) and the outcome was I finally had the courage to tell my family the truth and go to the police and my ex was charged in (detail removed by Moderator) with violence! I still have problems with him as he tells everyone I was the violent one and he lies lies lies and doesn’t pay correctly for the
Kids and still calls me
Names etc BUT it gets better !!! My head doesn’t hurt like it did, I can handle flash backs now and keep calm, I feel
Like me again !!! But still I remain in fear of my
Ex but I would say recovery is work in progress . I once heard on a YouTube thing recovery from trauma isn’t expecting it to go away to learn to
Live with yourself and that
This new person is you and you can live alone aride it whilst you recover but don’t expect it to vanish … trauma is trauma and it takes time so I one day accepted this will take time, I’m sick and have to get better and on that day I started to get better as I accepted the afterlife is very hard but recovery takes time and go easy. I realise now coping during the marriage and after are just as hard, there is no quick fix but simply to let your brain recover xx

[Galabeee]

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies ..it helps so much to hear from others at different stages of having done this. For those still struggling, I hear you and send some hope your way .
I think giving my brain the time to actually start relaxing and trying to even wrap around anything that has gone on has left me feeling exhausted …. like no energy and it takes a lot of effort to get things done ..
I like the idea of noting down things I like and enjoy to get a bit more of a sense of that …

thank you x

[StrongLife]

I found exercise helped and for me going out. I regularly exercise when I can and enjoy Netflix in difficult times with this. I did find initially having difficulty upon difficulty but then settled.

As I’m back to being triggered I’m paying for Netflix and watching this plus exercising

[Galabeee]

Thank you Stronglife- paying for netflix doesn’t sound a bad plan. I’ve got some films to watch but think something that will ground me in the present is probably not a bad idea! And exercise. Going out is tricky due to pets (also I think decompressing from the impact of trauma) .. so other than places I can take them .. (and finances permitting) it’s balancing options! I think I’m just trying to find a rhythm for what this new “phase” looks like..

[tiredofitall]

Hi – I’ve been out for a good few months now. I found the initial trying to get sorted overwhelming and found making lists of things that needed to be done very helpful. So I could tick them off and each time feel like was becoming independent and a reminder that I could do this by myself. And also remind my self that I didn’t have his voice in my ear each time, telling me what a c****y job I was doing or criticising the choices I was making. I made a conscious choice to embrace the empowerment of being able to make those choices and if they were wrong, so what – at least I was FREE to make them.
Its a cliche but just take one day at a time. I also found my ability to relax took a long time to come – I’ve been in constant fight or flight for nearly 20 years!
You’ve done the hardest part and now you just need to be kind to yourself and take time to adjust. x

[Galabeee]

Thank you @tiredofitall
I need to remind myself I think that it’s been weeks so far and it’s not going to feel “normal” or “easy ” yet..
Making lists is helping to an extent (as well as like you reminding myself that the critical voice (his in the past) can quieten down) . There’s situations which mean the “downtime” of the weekend (or supposedly so ) when I’m not trying to pull it all together to work in quite a stressful job at that) … are often consumed by interactions with him which then leave me feeling with the emotional fallout and I just feel constantly exhausted …emotionally and physically…

But a good reminder that it takes time (and kindness)
and yes the FREEDOM to make choices …. it feels unfamiliar and unsafe in lots of ways .And inamongst it all I’m still questioning whether his “version” of reality is “right”….

[Atsah]

Well done for leaving..I understand how you are feeling it is very hard you have to completely build a new life.I had no idea how to handle money as he did it all.I had to either ask for money or if i got any out the cashpoint he would say how much what have you spent it on etc i had to find somewhere to live, manage a house,bills etc you will get to a stage where you feel you have independently achieved something and then you can feel some self worth and pride in yourself.once I had left i used to go to the shops and think i musn’t buy that he will say i am spending too much etc even now many years on i will go to do something then think i can’t it will upset him.It is really hard to start again but you can do it you found the strengh to leave ..you can do this!

[Galabeee]

Thank you Atsah
I’m so glad you were able to get out too.
Yep doing everything on my own can be exhausting…and I’m noticing lots of times I’ll go to do something ( or not do something) out of second guessing his reaction …
I feel so angry I’ve wasted so many years and now I’m in this horrible limbo ( even though I’ve left physically) of having to build something new …and not knowing what that is or what it’ll look like …

[StrongLife]

I was – and still am in domestic violence counseling. More at various points.

The getting used to running your own life takes time – seperating and getting house takes time. I too shared (good house mates and bad) then got in cheaper house/flat. Then more expensive ones with plenty of locks etc. Cheaper houses had poor locks.

Best was going out initially and watching movies at theatres. I had cheaper theatre places or sometimes some sessions are cheaper. Plan to do this shortly. I enjoy coffee and going out – got one shortly in place I’ve been waiting to go for ages. So socialising in club or similar ie sports club, crafts, whatever you like. Chatting to locals too – it’s all good 👍

I got more into exercise via YouTube or outside walking, I got a routine and lost weight. Next I think is very organised self defence classes that I found. Took me a while to find them.
I too don’t know what is next as does everyone else – things change rapidly I’ve found. – though it’s far better than being stuck with violent ex.

[Galabeee]

Thank you @Stronglife. I’m glad that counselling has helped. I did have some earlier in the year and am on the waiting list with local DA services now . Sports /socialising and coffee is all a good call! Definitely lots to add to the ideas for 2024! It’s been such a whirlwind this year that I haven’t really had time again to find my feet and figure out what I’m really doing, but I want that to be different … and get some more routine and health back (am hoping the exercise and maybe cooking better things too will help!) …
It’s been a strange (but not bad) Christmas – not as lonely as I’d worried about being on my “own” (I wasn’t the whole time and saw friends and family too) … it’s reminded me I’m still “me” in there somewhere (even if a bit battered and bruised emotionally) …

I still need to have more conversations with ex in the NY which I’m dreading… I still feel despite the strength it took to leave and the strength I’m building now the thought of the anger and just any difficult discussion makes me freeze….

But , will get there I’m sure…

[Author]

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