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Still coming to terms with the fact he isnt in my life, im trying so hard to find another man to replace the big hole he left behind. I try so very hard to forget him and all the pain and tears he caused, but i always think of the good stuff and all the sweet nothing he use to whisper in my ear. I feel brain washed and like ive never find someone else.
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Dear CFC, I am approaching middle age, in the whole of my adult life I have never had a man somewhere in my life. I felt I needed that intimacy to feel normal. It is only these last months since I split from the last one that I have ever been 100% single, no internet dating, no flirting, no facebook contacting men, no short flings whatsoever. This time I veiw as valuable and good. I have had to face the trauma bonding in its raw form within dulling the pain with another man, food or something else. I believe this time has given me strength and resilience, i’m fairly sure I will never tolerate such a poor quality partner again. Admittedly I would really love a kiss and cuddle, a bit of a flirt & somebody interested in me. I think that you should give yourself some time to be single, its so great for healing better than you would do if you just went out & got somebody else to fill a void. X*X
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I agree with healthy archive. I have spent my ljfe moving from man to man, like I need the attention to survive. I have always felt I needed to be in a relationship that I wouldn’t be able to function or look acter myself only own. I think I am realising even though I am in this relationship that I don’t need him. I can survive on my own, I don’t need him to make me feel complete. I enjoy his company and I love him but I don’t depend on him for anything. I think if we split up I could be single I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to rush into another relationship. Give yourself time to heal x x x
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Hi There,
I’ve come to really understand these articles and quotes where you’re told that you’re not ready for a relationship until you love yourself.
That ‘loving yourself’ phrase used to confuse and irritate me. How are you expected to go around loving yourself?! Isn’t that hat just arrogance? How on earth is self-love meant to compensate for satisfying relationships with others? In fact, isn’t the problem with abusers the fact that they’ve- at least on the surface- convinced themselves they are great and superior?!
But now I get it.
Self-love really means protecting yourself, not hating yourself, not being scared to say who you really are, not thinking others’ beliefs and opinions are more important than yours, not doubting your own intelligence or wisdom, placing importance on your gut and not letting others make you go against it; enjoying being with yourself- because you no longer hate yourself, you don’t need noise or people to fill that void 24/7 : you can sit in peace with yourself.
You value your own qualities. You like your own humour, you like certain things about yourself. You would love to have a friend like yourself!
It’s only when you reach that level of self-acceptance that you’re ready to share your life with someone else, because you’re not asking them to fill a void: your relationship allows both separateness and a coming together; there is trust; you are two separate people journeying together, not one blended person or Siamese twin.
It’s our abusers who brainwashed us into thinking that we needed to be joined at the hip. It was they who stripped us of our independence. But they were teaching us a very unhealthy dynamic x
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