Life ….

[Ayanna]

My former manager knew about the abuse I suffered and this was used to bully me at work until I left.
My own father thinks I should not drive a car.
My family thinks my job is just a peanut earning job, although I hold a university degree and earn enough money to pay my bills.
I could not have kids and I have to put up with stupid people, saying silly judgemental things to me, looking down on me for not having kids.
I suffer from nightmares and flashbacks. I am not eligible for any counselling. The specialist counsellor that I would need is so expensive that I am unable to pay them out of my own pocket.
I am most happy when I am alone. I am fed up with people. My experience is that most people do not understand anything at all. They are self absorbed and only try to use others for their own interests. As I do not allow anyone to use me they do not have interest in me. After all my countless bad experiences I feel that true friendship is a makebelieve that does not exist in real life.
I enjoy the quietness of my home and I do not need anybody at all in my life.

[Serenity]

Hi Ayanna,

I think this lack of trust and self-protection is normal, after what you’ve been through.

If we have been with an abuser, we often find that in our own families, abuse or co trolling behaviours were present. Your dad’s views are very limiting and discouraging. Thank him for his thoughts, but firmly tell him you don’t agree with him.

I find standing up to our bullies in an assertive way gives us a rise in self-esteem. With this, the paralysing fear of getting hurt diminishes a bit. You grow a skin which means you are confident in who you are, enjoy being part of society, but won’t always crumble at mistreatment. Instead, you have the courage to ignore and distance yourself from those negative people and concentrate only on the good ones.

Whilst I completely understand your feeling like you do ( I have at times too), I still believe that there are many good people out there. When you are ready, I hope you will feel able to venture out and trust in people a little more. X*x

[Serenity]

Ayanna,

You say you aren’t eligible or couldn’t afford counselling.

Women’s Aid directed me to local DV counselling, which has been very healing fir me send is in fact donation only. I couldn’t afford to carry on paying for private counselling!

Might this be a possibility?

I can really understand your feelings, Ayanna. X*x

[Ayanna]

Thank you Serenity.
Yes, my GP blocked me from getting counselling.
I am able to pay all my bills, but for counselling I have not enough leftover money anymore.
Did you get the DV counselling from a charity? Do you pay them a reduced fee?
I try to bury everything somewhere in my brain and carry on with my life.
This society is merciless and cold towards abused women. I try to become very hard and not get upset about all the bullies.
I noticed that single women are bullied more than married women or women in relationships. For this reason I will say that I have a boyfriend with a really impressive job, maybe a banker or something like that. That will keep all the stupid people who are infested with patriarchy away from me.

[Author]

Posts