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The term FOG has been mentioned to me a few times. I feel like I’m starting to see through it a little bit. I would have assumed this would feel like a success, but instead it feels heavy and hard. I’m remembering more and more things and seeing situations with a new perspective. It’s all feeling very overwhelming. I always assumed things started after the birth of our child when I was freezing during sex and he would continue.
However I’m now seeing things from right at the start of the relationship, where he would go through my phone all the time and hold conversations I’d had with other people against me despite them being from before we were together. He’d tell me he’d kill himself if we ever split up.
I suffered alot with my mental health then and would drink alot and have meltdowns multiple times a week and he would retain me alot, and say different things all basically to say how insane I was. It made me feel like nobody else would love me apart from him. We would then have sex, despite the state of my emotions and the alcohol I’d consumed.
I’ve always painted him as a hero who put up with me when noone else would or could. That he saved me ect ect and I’d never thought anything different.Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to leave and I’m still very confused and feel a huge amount of guilt and shame with my part to play in all this.
I’m sorry for the long post – just feeling very overwhelmed thinking out whole relationship is a lie
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HI Rainbowdream
He wants you to believe this because he has to believe he is better than anyone else, and convince you that you are nothing.
However, you are someone worthy of real love, of true care, very much so. You absolutely deserve better than this. All the while you live under this it will cause you self-doubt, and difficulty in knocking back his cruel words and claims about you. You have no guilt in this abuse, its his. You wouldn’t treat someone else the way he has treated you, this is his guilt, and you owe him nothing, so no obligation to be there either, no matter what is happening. That just leaves the F of FOG, the fear. Thats something that you must constantly assess to be sure you are safe, and its his guilting you into some false obligation that you don’t have, so you can go when you are ready. Take your time, and know that you can do what you want with your own life, its not his to dictate, or destroy.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thankyou for that reply.
I do really see what you’re saying. I guess it’s just hard to believe when I’ve been told, and believed, the opposite for so long.
I think the fear is a new realisation. I’m still struggling with it, I think I’ve convinced myself it’s just my own anxiety issues for so long, it’s kind of hard to see through.
Again thankyou for your response.-
You’re very welcome, and yes, it does take time undoing all the harm he’s done, it will take time fo ryou to unravel and make any sense of, its often not possible to make sense of them though, so don’t know yourself out trying!
I know it can be hard to believe, you only have to read the forum for a little to realise how familiar and crushingly common these things that you have been suffering are for everyone here.
The realisation you are having will make life much clearer for you, kind of put things in their right place for once. You are scared, and act to placate him probably which helps the fear subside, which he’s probably labelled as your issues.
Now you know, you can start taking back control of your own life, thats all yours!
warmest wishes
ts
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Yeah- I have read through a little bit, and it’s hard reading. I feel I’m still almost acting as an imposter being here, but the more I’m reading, I am feeling less alone. Which is a comfort but also very sad indeed.
Thankyou, I really hope that will be the case, your words do give me some hope!
Thankyou
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It sounds like your mind is starting to process everything, I remember that being exhausting so look after yourself. It’s like the mind is reorganising itself and seeing things for the first time. It’s a good step because it helps you see the reality and as you say, start to believe you’re not the problem here. As TS said, he wants and needs you to be like this so he can get his way. I described it like having net curtains over my eyes, time to start rebuilding your self esteem x
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Thankyou – is is exhausting and im also pregnant so everything is hugely overwhelming at the moment.
What you’re saying makes sense. I guess I am starting to see that in him a bit.
And it does feel like I’m seeing things clearly but I’m still worried I could be wrong. And actually he’s right and it is all me.
Hopefully the self esteem will come again.
Thankyou for your response.
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