This topic contains 13 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  thankgoodness 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #91282
     bumbum 
    Participant

    Hello, this is my first time posting here. I have some difficulty writing but hopefully this will make sense. I may ramble a bit but I will avoid to much detail as I don’t want to trigger any one. I do hope that venting here will be beneficial in the end.

    I am a survivor. I was abused by various members of my family including both parents and my siblings. This included physical abuse, being punched, pushed and kicked. Verbal abuse, including name calling, emotional manipulation, and belittling. Sexual abuse involving older male siblings (I only accepted this happened this year until then I blamed myself). At one point I was even stalked and received regular death threats.

    I put up with this for most my life. Its only since a recent family member passing and severing contact with the rest of them that I have finally been able to get help without them gaslighting me or just abusing me more.

    In the past few years have been diagnosed with depression and ptsd. I also have a few other health problems which affect my everyday life. I am currently on benefits and not working while I focus on recovery. I am on medication (anti depressants and anti psychotics) and I have seen various therapists. I have has cbt and basic talking therapies in the past. Unfortunately I cannot afford to see anyone with any regularity so my progress has been somewhat limited.

    I guess the point of this post is to see how other survivors cope. What do you do to keep going? Living alone and cutting away family have helped a lot but I still struggle. I often want to hurt myself and think I would be better off dead, rather than living with everything that happened. What if anything helped you move on? What kind of resources are out there to help people like me regain some sense of self worth?

  • #91290
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey, welcome. Firstly I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and to let you know you’re not alone. When I have suicidal thoughts the first thing I tell myself is don’t give him the satisfaction. It took me several years but I recently started an evening class. Is there anything that you are remotely interested in. Even things like flower arranging or calligraphy or art. Local charities often run classes like this. It took me a long time to become interested in anything at all but by pushing myself I finally managed not to fall flat on my face. Mindfulness and looking for local support groups. Good counselling was also great to keep me on the positive path. Very often a pet, fish or even a pot plant are good mood lifters. Writing down three positive things every day. Accepting that none of this was your fault and you do actually deserve to be 😃 happy. Keep posting and sharing. It’s good to connect. Sending you a 🤗 hug. KIP x

    • #91436
       bumbum 
      Participant

      Thanks for replying!

      I have a kitten/cat thanks to some lovely friends who saw I needed company. I lost my previous cat to cancer (detail removed by moderator). I have a catus as well who has survived longer than 90% or plants I have ever had too and that helps.

      I had cheepish weekly therapist with a trainee last year but I had to stop when my benefits were reduced. I have had free session on the NHS but its very limited and I find I have run out of sessions to quickly. Its rather frustrating.

      I joined a local service that does yoga, tachi, painting sessions and such and that seems to help get me out the house at least. I need to stick with it and try other things and see which helps best I guess.

  • #91293
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there and welcome to the forum. Firstly can I say you should be so proud of yourself, it takes a huge step to even post on here in the beginning. What you have been through has been terrible, I’m so sorry to hear that 💞
    My way of dealing with it has just been to take baby steps, recognise that how I feel is normal considering what we go through, it’s our own body’s way of coping. I’ve read..lots. Practice lots of self care and self love. I’ve never had so many bubble baths in my life. I physically stop and take a look around me, acknowledge out loud that I’m so grateful for what I have, that I’m away, that it’s a lovely day, or I’ve jyst seen a pretty bird. Sound naff but it helps me. I’ve seen a wee Robin a few times when I’ve been up walking my dog, that always makes me smile. Reminds me of happier times in childhood. Kip is right about the pet thing or getting in about a garden or even buying small plants and putting them into a trough. I’ve done that and placed them outside my door. I don’t have a garden but I’ve improvised. Keep posting and reading others posts. I journal a lot too. Reminds me what happened and also strengthens my resolve to stay away.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

    • #91431
       bumbum 
      Participant

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. I do have a pet cat. In fact I find it impossible to get by without having a pet to look after. I found my symptoms got worse after I lost my previous cat to cancer. It was then I started self harming again, even though I had been clean for over a year. I was lucky that friends saw I was struggling and helped me adopt another cat which has helped symptoms a little.

      I used to be interested in art a lot but kinda lost motivation for it. I have been trying yoga as a replacement. I find it a little hard as I am not particularly fit or flexible and am on the chubby side. I do feel better after going though.

      Staying in the present is what i am trying to learn to do as I do dwell on my past and worry about my future a lot.

    • #91432
       bumbum 
      Participant

      replied twice so deleted the text sorry!

  • #91358
     dancing in the rain 
    Participant

    Hey bumbum, great name 🙂
    I’m so sorry that you’ve had a terrible experience of abuse. It is absolutely not your fault. From this Forum and reading I have come to realise that we are not responsible for the way other people treat us. Mindfulness and meditation are a brilliant way of refocussing our thoughts. They help you live in the moment. The past is history, the future doesn’t exist yet the only thing that is real is here and now. I find that saying to myself “right here, right now I’m ok” What’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself right now?
    Iwantmeback is right focussing on the things around you, especially nature and truly seeing how beautiful it is really calms the mind and bringsvus back to the present moment. I went on a mindfulness retreat in (detail removed by moderator) and it was life changing. If you can afford it you too couldvfind it really helpful. Stay strong and keep posting x*x

    • #91434
       bumbum 
      Participant

      Thanks its hard to believe I didnt do something to deserve it but I am aiming towards that. Logically I know its not my fault but my emotions dont like to play along.

      I was studying last year but the DWP suddenly stopped my ESA to move me to UC and the resulting chaos meant I had to quit. Its the second time in a few years I had to leave education. I was in uni in (detail removed by moderator) but had to leave when my mum died and wasn’t able to rejoin due to depression. The two events have seriously put me off getting back into anything.

      I am part of a local group that had activity classes. I have been doing yoga when I can. It helps a little. I want to try and join some other closes or events but money can be an issue. I will keep at it though.

      I really miss therapy and wish I could get a regular cheep service but that is very difficult to find.

  • #91460
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    Hi and welcome to the Forum. You have been to hell and back with your family… but you survived and well done for implementing NoContact with them.

    I find reading the posts on here as a form of therapy. After a while of coming on here you will really believe that none of the abuse your family subjected you to was your fault.

    I also attend Al-Anon support group twice a week (small monetary contribution only). The only requirement for membership is the problem of drinking in a relative or friend. My ex who was one of my abusers was a drinking. It was his drinking that alerted me to something was wrong in our relationship never realizing that his primary addiction was to Power and Control over others and me being his wife was one of his main sources of ‘fuel’ for his addiction.

    These groups are great for healing from the past and for moving us forward to a positive future.

  • #92079
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Self care, self care, self care, is a huge part of healing, central to it and the foundations, needed everyday. Helps us see and feel I am worth it! I need it, I’m taking good care of me x

  • #92082
     Efcharisto 
    Participant

    I feel very low with these things sometimes and don’t always know how to deal with it. In particular I find it hard when there are curve balls like getting offensive texts from someone I was trying to get to know as a friend, or comments that are made at work that are just small things that shake my confidence and bring all the fears and sadnesses back into the frame and keep me awake at night and make me cry. I suppose crying is part of processing what has gone on.

    • #92129
       bumbum 
      Participant

      Crying is defiantly part of it yeah. Its important to let yourself actually feel things.

  • #96891
     starqueen 
    Participant

    Self care is definitely a good idea. I’ve found a lot of support at my local women’s centre. One of the women’s aid helpline workers suggested that too me and I don’t know where I’d be without the support I’ve gotten there.

  • #97297
     thankgoodness 
    Participant

    Sorry you had to go through familial abuse. I am currently going through familial abuse too but it’s just one of my family members, it’s an abusive brother. I tried to escape from the familial abuse by hanging out with friends, I was so lost in my life and I was later coerced and sexually abused by one of those ex-friends. Lots of support organisations have helped me but it took many years to get back to “normal”. I hope you have been helped by support organisations too xx

    Take care, keep strong.

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