Living with Disdain

[Scabbers]

Hi

I have no clue what to write. I just need to write something. I need to reach out. I need to ask for help. So I’m just going to write.

As may start, I am new here. I’m very confused. I’m really exhausted. I’m frightened. But I feel guilty saying that because my husband has never laid a finger on me. I have been with him for over a decade. We have children.

It’s all so subtle. The thing that kills me is the disdain. Walking away when I ask a question. Being the only one to start a conversation. Yes or no answers. Having fun and being excited with our children but then a complete 180 when I join in. I ask a question and he answers through our children while laughing and playing. Dismissing me. Days out that I arrange, speaking with our children but ignoring me. Turning the other way to answer. No effort. No empathy. He’s so needy, yet never returns a second of support. All of my achievements (which are seldom now) are downplayed. My concerns are invalidated. I can’t moan about colleagues or family – or just unload. It’s not real, I have a problem with people, I see the worst, blah blah blah.

He never wanted to be a part of our children’s lives for years. He wanted to have time out to chill so I used to take them out all the time. It was just us three. Now, because it’s easier, he is over the top with them. They love him. He laughs and plays while I’m doing chores. The fun ends when I walk in the room. I feel like he’s manipulating them. He doesn’t want to pay maintenance. He’s going to take them away from me. But am I just paranoid? I’m scared. They are my world but I can’t play the games he plays. I am beaten psychologically and I don’t know what to do. How do I risk divorce when I could lose them?

But then he doesn’t lay a finger on me. So am I imagining all this?

The names… I’ve been called (detail removed by moderator) I have no clue about money other than I struggle and he earns £100,000s a year. He’s telling me he’s quitting work. How can we afford that? (detail removed by moderator). My voice is never heard. But I don’t try anymore.

Is this abuse? He’s never laid a finger on me….

[Lisa]

Hi Scabbers,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to hear about what is happening. What you described sounds really isolating. You mentioned feeling guilty but domestic abuse is not just physical. It sounds like you are feeling divided from your own family, feeling invalidated, not heard and that is understandably having an impact on you.

Abusive men can be very good actors, acting like “super dad” while you are the one bearing all of the responsbilty, being left to worry about finances and caring for your children.

If you are not already, it may be worth linking in with your local domestic abuse service for that ongoing support.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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