This topic contains 37 replies, has 23 voices, and was last updated by  Woollymammal 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #14635
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Are you experiencing domestic abuse and have a disability or long term health condition?

  • #14636
     betterdays 
    Participant

    Hi Lisa my 3 boys have autism learning disabilities too and it’s incredibly hard although I’ve not been with him for a while. When we lived with him it were a nightmare my boys were so low even now they don’t trust people they think everybody’s bad. My oldest wants to know who everyone is passing our house he asks are they ok? What do u think about them? He has totally ruined us our confidences are in the gutter!!!! X

    • #80120
       Tobfree 
      Participant

      Just wanted to post a hope and love to all the woman on here
      Best thing to do is reach out to others especially womans aid yet do it as carefully as u can and cover your tracks at all times even on here
      And hopefully in time u have built a circle around u of people u can trust and who love and support u
      there is lots of help via womans aid and other service remember u are not alone

    • #80121
       Tobfree 
      Participant

      Hi i totaly understand as i too have been through horrific abuse and we are still easy targets for abusers because we have disabilities our self and our kids have disabilities
      There is lots of help out there via services especially to help parents with kids with autism
      The more support u get the stronger u become and this will help the children heal too hope all goes well for u huggs

  • #14656
     Ayanna 
    Participant

    Yes, I have a disability and the ex abuser used it to make me feel ugly and worthless. It got worse due to the abuse. Since I am out of everything, only a few months, I feel that I slowly gain more control over my health.

  • #14679
     Serenity 
    Participant

    Yes, I have what might be termed a disability, and he made every attempt to make it worse through covert abuse and cruel comments.

    When I developed a disabling health condition, he treated me with scorn.

    His cousin who I met abroad seemed very charming, and was saying how he had been left heartbroken by his wife, who was deaf. He said her family snatched her from him and wouldn’t allow her contact. From things I know about him now, I am beginning to believe that he thought he could mistreat her because he saw her as vulnerable. I am wondering if her family realised he was abusive, and helped her escape and go no contact.

  • #14680
     godschild 
    Participant

    I have disabilities long term agoraphobia and monphobia, I was a very fearful child and I would have suffered anyway but the abuse has most certainley made it all so much worse. I am dependant on him to go out and cant be alone due to the monophobia.
    It awful feeling trapped and dependant on someone who treats you this way. He when very abusive leaves me alone in terrible fear and turns his phone off. Also when very abusive he refuses to take me somewhere.
    He has had nice good moments and works fro home due to my disabilities, but he has had a good business so not really a hardship
    Ive been in a cycle of abuse for decades now. But things got worse a few months ago and I am emotionally detached now, im not falling back in with the good times then off again, its so hard I am very isolated and feel very lonely but I can see it all for what it is now.
    They use your disabilities to abuse you Ayanna, it makes them feel powerful.
    I would love to hear form any other ladies in a similar position.

  • #14744
     Suntree 
    Participant

    Yup both me and the children.

    And being with him made everything worse.
    he also used to to get the authorities to help with whatever bidding he wanted. Can’t go into here.
    Since we have left him and when he finally decided they were too much work and interfered with his life:
    The children’s behaviour has improved and so has the singing in the house 🙂
    Me I am still learning about which is me and which is a symptom of the abuse when it comes to my mental health and disability.
    Godschild I used to panic so much about going out of the house or if I was out getting back in, because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to get out again.
    Slowly and I mean slowly with a lot of help and a lot of “heart in my mouth” and bravery from my part I am now in a place where I am a hell of a lot better and give myself a break on the not so great days.

    • #27546
       cantgetout 
      Participant

      Dear Godschild, I’m not too different to you. I fear being alone for the years ahead as I am housebound and the net is a godsend. You have to strengthen yourself in some way to not be so dependant on him. I know, easier said than done. But put time aside to hard wire into your head that he has taught you to rely on him for your well being. Is he really bringing you any well being. I think I understand self hatred (or something like that) after a bout of my man’s abuse. It really is like brainwashing and these men are skilled at it. Maybe he has convinced you that you cannot live a reasonable life without him. You fear being alone but surely the price you pay is too high. I rely on my man for mainly practical help as I am too ill to leave the house and fantasise for years about being rescued one day and living without his presence ever again. All I ask is you think about what is possible. It’s hard to get to grips with that awful phobia you have but don’t give up. I send you best wishes and courage for better times and remember you deserve a peaceful life, it’s your right.

  • #14775
     godschild 
    Participant

    Thankyou for that Suntree, I also am confused what is my own health issues and what is abuse, I certainly knwo he has knocked my confidence to pieces.

  • #14850
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Dear all,

    Thank you so much for your comments here. I hope that we can all find this section helpful and as ever a supportive place to be.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa

  • #14923
     Inneedofsomepeace 
    Participant

    I have hearing difficulties, he would ofton try talking to me from another room especially if there was alot of background noise, knowing full well I wouldn’t hear him then get angry when I didn’t answer. It used to really upset me, make me hate myself almost for my hearing loss, he’d accuse me of ignoring him. I realise now though it was all a game, like he was giving himself a reason to be angry with me! Another thing would be, I’d go to put my hearing aid in and it would have vanished, but would then turn up days later right where I left it. I’d spend days thinking I was going mad, question I g myself on whether I had left it there

  • #15109
     Angels wings 
    Participant

    Hi everyone I don’t have a disability myself but one of my children has dyspraxia and is awaiting assessment for autism my youngest is awaiting diagnosis for spd or dyspraxia and my other child awaiting apd assessment. I am the only one who goes to any medical appointments or does anything to find out about the children’s needs and what can be done to help them. I find that it’s very difficult handling everything in my own meltdowns etc although my children are all awesome and perfect in my eyes. It’s difficult because I want to help them but difficult because my husband doesn’t understand it or allow for it at all, he even calls names like sow yak it stupid. This causes trouble as I step in immediately and say no that’s not acceptable it means getting it all thrown back in my face him saying they have no respect for me they are like it because of me or I get the silent treatment. I am trying to get the courage to leave to give myself and the children a new life. It’s taking time and planning and really hard as it goes into the typical cycle of nasty to honeymoon period. The children struggle with change andvivevfektcso weak and deflated worn down even that I keep losing the nerve and making excuses. The children are starting to notice now and I know I need to change things before it destroys them. It’s such a huge and scary step. I’m scared about where we will love and losing our lets who my oldest son is highly emotionally attached to them I looked into financial side as I was worried about that too as I home educate one child and worried if be forced to stop the 24/7 care needed. It’s helping to vent worries on here though. I feel at least people understand.

  • #15137
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Angelswings,

    I am so pleased that you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be. I am sorry about your situation, I am sure that you know that his behaviour probably has a big effect on the children and I know lots of ladies on here who have found that their children’s issues improved greatly once they were out of the abusive relationship. Please do try to find a safe time to speak to the helpline and get plenty of support from your local Women’s Aid group. They will help you to talk about what options might be best for you and you can perhaps start putting a safety plan in place for leaving the relationship.

    We are all here for you. Please keep posting.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa

  • #16732
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Dear all,

    Thank you all for sharing your individual experiences of living with abuse when you or your children have a disability or chronic health condition.

    Please do start new topics if you would like to,

    Lisa

  • #17704
     Rosy 
    Participant

    HI, I’m really sad to read some of your posts. I’ve struggled with my health for a few years, having looked after my husband for many years. He would never let me rest or get any peace, proper medical care or help. He neglected me completely, caused rows every day and kept telling me there was either nothing wrong with me or that I was crazy/mad etc. I always tired to manage and hide how ill I was but I became increasingly isolated and spent about 3 years living mostly in one room. He was extremely controlling, demanding, cruel and neglectful, with almost hourly gass-lighting. The financial and emotional control were awful. I had contact with many agencies who I asked to help but they either used the fact that I was housebound, due to physical health issues, as an excuse saying it was to risky for them or signposted me constantly when I had little energy to keep ringing people. I was often told what other agencies/people should be doing to help but just couldn’t get anyone to do much at all. I finally left, while very ill having frustratingly minimal support from an idva and an outreach worker; both of whom would not or could not help in any way once I had left. (though had made many promises of what help was available) I went through phases of trying to manage and cope mostly alone, then try to reach out and ask for help. I feel extremely let down by just about everyone in my life, after trying desperately to sort pretty much everything myself while physically unable to do much at all. I was hoping that being away from him would give me some chance to recover and have worked at that but I’ve been exhausted battling with my own solicitor who just will not take the action I need her to within a deadline. I thought I had been very strong, determined and assertive but after 5-6 weeks of chasing her relentlessly, she still has not done what I’ve asked, which will have long term financial implications for me. I have till Tuesday to get her to and have no idea how to make sure she does. I have rung Rights of women helpline, the legal aide helpline and her senior partner twice, in desperation. I have had many assurances but no action. I cant talk to anyone about it or get advice. I’ve even tried to arrange an advocate but no-one seems to know how to. The stress of this and feeling so abandoned by family and friends, has made me very ill and I’m struggling to keep going most of the time. Any advice would be great?

  • #17773
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Rosy,

    Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m very sorry to read what you have been through, you have suffered terrible abuse from your husband. You’ve been so strong by leaving and starting to build your life up again; many forum users here know how challenging that is, with so much to sort out practically and so much healing to do emotionally.

    It sounds as though the ongoing issue with your solicitor must be exhausting in itself, so hopefully once you have a resolution you might feel a bit better. If you did want to seek any further legal advice and/or advocacy you could also try the CAB, a Mckenzie’s Friend or Duncan Lewis Solicitors (http://www.duncanlewis.co.uk/domestic-abuse-domestic-violence-solicitors).

    I do acknowledge how difficult it can be to access the right support and sadly the reality is such that there is not always enough one-to-one support for women after they have left; this is when the Group Recovery Programmes such as the Freedom Programme (via your local domestic service) can be really helpful in terms of peer support.

    Kind Regards,

    Lisa

  • #27731
     fuscia 
    Participant

    Yes I have several long term chronic health
    conditions two of which are balance and absence
    disorders. My first marriage I didn’t have them then but went through emotional abuse for (detail removed by moderator) with 3 children. They are now grown up.

    I also went through rape when I was (detail removed by moderator) and took the man to court when I was (detail removed by moderator).

    My 2nd husband knows all about this as he came to my govt enquiry with me.
    We have been together (detail removed by moderator) but together (detail removed by moderator).
    During the first few years before I became very poorly I still worked he was supposed too but didn’t always and hid paperwork bank
    statements showing we were in debt.we managed to get threw this after using my savings to bale us out but now he is starting with his lies again ,mood swings and anger issues.
    He even tried pushing himself on me sexually which brought back my rape

    All this I know is my fault.

    2 weeks ago he hid from me about finances in our account. It ended up in a big argument and him throwing a plate which scared me.
    I had to call the Police.
    I have also caught him using what’s app for dating sites . He did this in 2005 using our wedding photos saying it was his brothers wedding.
    His Dr sent him for army counselling but not going for that now and not doing his antidepressants.
    I can’t find a solicitor that does domestic violence advice so can anyone tell me strategies of what to do if things get worse

    Today he is being really nice and kissing me making me feel guilty. I’m very suspicious of him and what he is upto.

  • #38715
     Patricia 
    Participant

    Never underestimate the physical pain caused by years of mental abuse. I’m on week 2 of a pain management course for (detail removed by moderator) and today I cried silent tears in a group of 8 people with chronic pain. Don’t leave it too late to get out if you can possibly find the strength to. The long term physical effects of staying in an abusive marriage or relationship last a lifetime.The sooner you can escape him the better your chances of physical recovery.Try to do as I say not as I did. I rehearsed my ‘ leaving you’ speech for so long only to be shut up by him on the first sentence each and every time. They don’t care about your dignified attempt at an amicable split. Don’t waste precious energy trying anymore. He decides when it’s leaving time not you, and by then your body is broken. Look after YOU and your babies xx

    • #38717
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Patricia,

      Thank you for your post, I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.

      I’m sorry to hear about what you have been through. I hope the pain management course has been useful to you.

      Years of mental abuse do have an effect on us physically, I hope you have a good support network around you.

      Your advice to others on the forum is highly valuable as well.

      Best Wishes,

      Lisa

    • #38718
       Patricia 
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa, I only contacted woman’s aid two years after I managed to get my husband to leave. I’ve had a floating support worker for 3 months now and don’t want to think where I would have ended up without her. I had no clue that a man who is intent on breaking you can continue to do so after he’s left. It’s beyond belief that he can take a woman who has a decent career/income,good support network of friends and family and leave her isolated, applying for benefits, no job, no energy for the childcare we planned to give. However, all is not lost…. when u snuggle up beside your little one and listen to their peaceful sleep knowing that there will be no key turning in the door to make you freeze with anxiety and there is milk in the fridge for cereal and coffee to get through the school run.. it’s going to be ok for another day. Just get trough the morning then the afternoon, sleep for an hour if you can in the day as sleep heals. Forget the long term plans for now… baby steps.

  • #38735
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Thanks for your reply Patricia. I’m pleased you’ve had a positive experience with your support worker.
    There is no doubt that domestic abuse has devastating effects, however it is possible, as you and many other survivors demonstrate, to get through and for life to improve. It’s lovely to read how you are appreciating your peaceful time with your little one. Baby steps is the right approach..

    Please do start a topic in one of the other forums, if you would like to.

    Kind Regards,

    Lisa

  • #41390
     Anonymous

    Hi Lisa, I am away, but with him over a decade, during that time their were major outside traumas, some life threatening top. I have always suffered gad, Had suffered childhood sexual & physical & emotional abuse, When I met him, although of a nervous disposition, I had experienced major traumas, years prior had a nervous breakdown. I had coped with It all though. His abuse started very early on in the relationship, back then I thought it was me being over sensitive, Over the years his abuse intensified, the lower I got, the weaker he saw I was, the more he abused. I was absolutely desperate to escape, held on for over [detail removed by moderator] years feeling so desperate I’d started being physically sick, had near constant migraines, had physical pain from accidents (He never hit me) but hurt me physically whilst I was already in a great deal of pain. His abuse just kept intensifying though, to a point it was daily. After I escaped I was the idiot who felt sorry for him, kept phone contact, BAD BAD mistake, still hearing the vile aggressive manic man, then calm. Threats made, He had always used the threat he knew people who could kill, maim for life, not just me but my adult son, the abusers sister & other family members. I contacted police who made it alot worse! Listened to him, convinced everyone I was mental. I crashed so badly I did end up in a mental health Hospital for weeks. Just before he finally completely broke me & everyone around me telling me to trust him, he was sorry for what He had done, I was fool enough to believe it, even said sorry to him!!! I did not go back, have not had any contact for couple of months & never will again. His smear campaign had been so bad, I’ve just about lost everyone as they believe him. I now am left with severe anxiety, depression & cptsd. I wish I’d have been so much stronger when I met him not a gad sufferer, maybe then I’d not have fallen so badly through his abuse.

  • #43970
     Nina 
    Participant

    I also have a disability, MS and IIH, my ex didn’t like me taking my medication. He said he didn’t like my attitude on certain drugs. Probably because they were helping me and making me feel better. He’d instead give me different medication that I wasn’t prescribed.
    He’s also totally smeared me after his arrest, when he attacked us for the last time. I’m cut off from almost everyone now, not helped that we’ve had to relocate. He’s blamed my illness and the mental unstability it’s caused, even though every doctor I’ve met has said it’s untrue. He pretends to be sympathetic and that he feels sorry for me and wishes he could help me. It really upsets me that everyone believe him (except for the police and (detail removed by Moderator)), that I’ve just made this all up. Why would anyone lie about domestic abuse? Who actually wants to be labelled a victim?. Making themselves homeless, their children having to move schools, loosing all their friends and then to live in hiding.
    Disability makes you vulnerable and that’s exactly what men like my ex want. I couldn’t believe someone could love me and I was right. I was just an easy target, easy to control and manipulate and desperate to be loved.

    • #44061
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Nina,

      Thank you for sharing with us. I hope you are finding the Forum a safe and supportive place to offload how you are feeling and to share your experiences with other Survivors. We believe you, and understand how difficult leaving an abusive relationship is.

      Please do keep posting.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

  • #44081
     SunshineRainflower 
    Participant

    Yes, I have suffered from mental health problems for several years and had to take some time off work for it. I’ve written an article about it for a local charity and being open about it, when I met my ex I showed him the article as I felt it was positive.

    I’m now realising he must have been rubbing his hands together in glee as it gave him the perfect thing to manipulate me with. As the relationship progressed he started to behave more and more abusively and then gaslighted me saying I had imagined things/denying he’d said things then saying in a concerned, sincere tone that it must be my mental health making me imagine things and that he wanted to help me!

    My conditions don’t make me delusional or psychotic so imagining things is not one of my symptoms so luckily when he started to say this it made me realise there was something wrong with him and that he was lying to me. It’s so so creepy and absolutely heinous to deliberately target someone with an illness then use said illness to psychologically torture and manipulate them so initially I couldn’t understand it until I started to understand the depth of his evil, his lack of conscience, his lack of empathy. It’s ironic because I’m certain he has Antisocial Personality Disorder so actually has a much more severe mental health problem than me!

    My mental health has improved a lot since leaving him although I now have PTSD to add to the collection which is difficult, but I’d rather have a life of PTSD than a life of abuse.

  • #44088
     Nina 
    Participant

    Thanks Lisa, I came on this site a while back but it was too soon after getting out for me. I couldn’t deal with all the posts that had so many similarities to my own experience. They just brought too many memories back that I didn’t want to remember. I’d got enough going round in my head already. I thought I could cope on my own and block it all out but I can’t.
    Now when I think, was I really to blame? Why didn’t I leave sooner? Why did he do it? I read posts from all the kind folk on here and it helps so much.

  • #47657
     Blue-bear 
    Participant

    I have been living with Fibromyalgia, ( a debilitating chronic pain condition )for over (detail removed by Moderator) years now. It was caused by a neck injury, like whiplash, where I felt and heard the side of my neck snap. It got worse and worse, the pain spread all down my back, then it was widespread over my entire body after (detail removed by Moderator) months. I was diagnosed after (detail removed by Moderator) months of 24 hour daily severe pain. My husband had to, over the next couple of months, give up his self-employed business as (detail removed by Moderator).
    A long time has passed, a lot of resentment has built up….though during that time he has used my disability benefits to fund his degree….as a (detail removed by Moderator), so he is now a fully qualified (detail removed by Moderator), so it has all worked out rosey for him. But the abuse has got worse. Daily, I am belittled, criticised, called names, told I am thick….that I need to wear make-up to “make myself look pretty”. This morning I did not think before I spoke and said something completely innocent to which he snarled, shouting nastily at me suddenly,” (detail removed by Moderator)” “(detail removed by Moderator)“. I was left speechless, still in bed feeling ill, and felt my heart in my mouth again, but didn’t reply….I tried to quietly explain what I meant but he shouted me down as always, looking at me like he loaths me. I just sat up in bed wanting to cry but didn’t.

    I told him (detail removed by Moderator) days ago after I cried, that I want to go, he said coldly and calmly “(detail removed by Moderator) ( 2 sons, age (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) ), “(detail removed by Moderator)
    After so much time of me keeping it all bottled up, apologizing for things I have not done wrong, that was all him….making me beg for forgiveness, the name calling….everything, I snapped. I broke….all my anger came out, it was like I was in a different world, but my children were there, I did and said things to him I regret because they heard and saw and my “2nd son”….with encouragement from his dad, took a video of me “loosing it” 🙁 ….now I get, “try to take the boys….don’t forget I have the video”. He has turned both boys against each other, treats son 2 with all the patience in the world, my younger son he constantly shouts at over nothing, is harsh with punishments…not physical though, jobs, chores, takes away everything from him.
    I’m trapped. I feel sick to my stomach every day, I dread hearing his car pull up, I get a knott in my stomach, my chronic pain has doubled…..he mocks me and say’s I don’t need painkillers ( my GP has me on morphine, it’s that bad ), tells me I’m a drug-addict and what gives me the right to think my pain is any worse than anyone else s ( I have NEVER said that ) So much more, but my arms are really hurting now, so I have to stop. He’s trying to sabotage my (detail removed by Moderator)degree ( I study at home ), doesn’t like the fact I would be “academically above him, as a (detail removed by Moderator). I feel so hated, he shouts continuously, everyday, at my 2nd son, at me, rarely at “favorite son”. I’m so tired, so sad and no-one else sees the man I see as he is a very convincing liar, charming, helps everyone, always smiling….outside of the house. I want to give up but can’t for my childrens sake. Lost, lonely, scared, trapped, fearful, psychologically and emotionally “murdered” every day. So,So sad.
    Sorry for the long post, thank you for reading it. x

  • #47672
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey bluebear, try ringing the helpline number on here. They can help you and put you in touch with other agencies. You don’t have to stay and put up with his abuse. If he has a video of you losing it, it’s because he drove you to it. Please ring the helpline number on here. It’s a great place to start. Also, you could speak to a solicitor to see where you stand financially. Abusers don’t like us to be independent so I’m not surprised he resents you trying to educate yourself. I’ve heard other ladies on here have fibromyalgia and are convinced it’s severity is linked to stress caused by the abuse they suffer x

  • #47685
     Lightness 
    Participant

    Yes – I had two chronic conditions while I was in my long abusive relationship. Fortunately I was cured for one, but I still have the other and it is manageable.

    He showed zero care about either. When I got cured, he looked disappointed and tried to convince me I had a high risk of getting XXXX disease.

    He used to tell me I was spoilt and that ‘everyone has their problems, Lightness’, if I dared to complain. He would not bring me pain meds when I needed them, or would insist I go to the shop and get them myself.

    I took steps to try to improve my medical situation and he got really angry about it. It was as though I was not allowed to make decisions or take control over my own body.

    Nowadays it still amazes me when people show compassion to me if I am unwell. I makes me wonder how and why I put up with him, but I just thought he was a miserable person, not an abuser.

  • #47688
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Thinking about it I had an overactive thyroid which surprise surprise has gone now. I had heart racing and palpitations which have gone. I remember my ex dumped me at the hospital door when I had to go far a heart trace! Not an ounce of compassion. Looking back it was PTSD waking me up in the middle of the night, heart racing, sweats, panic. It never occurred to me that my husband would be deliberately trying to destroy my self esteem, my self worth and my mental and physical health. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

  • #62174
     purplepenguin 
    Participant

    Hi Ladies

    I’ve been disabled for (detail removed by moderator) years now. I had a stroke and brain injury when I had my daughter (she’s fine thankfully). I met my partner (now ex-partner) when my daughter was (removed by moderator) . I had a husband but he had lots of affairs when I became disabled because he said I wasn’t the same woman he married.
    Anyway, when I met my partner he was so lovely, brilliant with my daughter too. however, that changed after  (removed by moderator) years of being together. I became jealous and controlling, started verbally abusing me and fell out with my family. He had a massive argument with my Mum and called her a c**t, old witch etc. Of course, my whole family fell out with him and my parents are more distant now. He has never hit me but has pushed and dragged me a few times and regularly calls me things like fat f*****r and thick c**t. He apologies later and I forgive him. It’s like groundhog day!
    fast forward to now,  (removed by moderator) years later and my family decided to finally intervene. My  (removed by moderator)  and said: “were throwing him out”. I pleaded with them not to but they didn’t listen and my  (removed by moderator)  phoned him and said he needed to get his things out of my house. its now  (removed by moderator)  and he still hasn’t collected his things and my family have said they’re going to leave it all  (removed by moderator). I know he will flip and go absolutely mental if this happens. He’s already told me if anyone touches his things that he will slit their throat. I don’t think he would but I really don’t want it to happen  (removed by moderator). I’m worried about my daughter and parents. what should I do?

  • #62175
     purplepenguin 
    Participant

    sorry, that should have said the HE became jealous and controlling, not me

  • #62208
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I think you should speak to the domestic abuse police on 101 and report his threat to kill. They will take it very seriously and you should also consider a non molestation order. You can get free legal advice if you ring Rights for Women. You can also ring the helpline number on here. Perhaps you could contact a friend of his to come and collect his things and take them to him. This is your chance to escape from his controlling violent behaviour. Your chance to allow your family to help. You deserve better and you deserve to be safe x

  • #62219
     purplepenguin 
    Participant

    Thank you for your help and advice KIP, my family have said some of the things you suggest but stupidly I that they were overreacting. Some of the time he was really nice to me and would apologise and blame his anger on my family, saying that they interfere all the time and they caused him to lose his temper with me. I just feel so stupid because I believed that he loved me and I’ve been with him for such a long time. The other thing is I’ve gained a lot of weight and sometimes wonder if I would have been better off staying with him because I’m scared that I’ll be on my own forever, mainly because I’m disabled. He used to say to me that he doesn’t know anyone who would take me if we split up because I’m disabled and my family are nuts.

    Now that he’s not living with me I can seem to think clearer and that they were talking sense after all. I don’t feel on edge as much so that has to be better. I’m just really worried that my family will not listen to me about throwing his things out. I’ve seen family today and they said they are removing his things this weekend and they won’t listen to me. I think I will phone the helpline or 101 tomorrow for advice. it’s just difficult because my daughter is at home with me all the time because of the school holidays.
    I think my family they don’t think he’ll do anything and he’s all talk but I think he might. I feel so stupid now, I believed that he loved me too and I feel guilty for throwing him out but don’t know why?

  • #63260
     teatime 
    Participant

    I am disabled. I have a chronic health condition. I had lots of hospital visits when i was with him, but they don’t really care… he used to call me a ‘useless pile of ****’ and such like.
    He made my health worse. He would upset me then take me for an ‘outing’ where I would be fighting tears and trying to be jolly.
    I have photos where I am white and clearly on edge.
    When he married me, I was a very beautiful young woman with low self esteem due to a violent assault and my ongoing health issues. He worked in a construction type job and he used to make me help him do things which were too hard for me. He resented being what he said was the breadwinner even though my own work provided him with a home. He had no desire to make a proper home or work with me to buy a property. He was untidy and resentful most of the time. Sometimes he was very kind. Seldom did he take his eyes from me. I thought that meant he cared.
    He assumed he needed sex a lot. I hated sex with him, he was bad at it and his personal hygiene was foul.
    I used to try to please him. One day after many years I found he had been having an affair. He could even have lied I now think…
    One day I forgave him and he got me into bed. He told me after it was just a f*** and proceeded to treat me appallingly. After that, I said that if he ever touched me again I would call the Police.
    I am still disabled, worse than ever… it did affect my health.He hurt my back and my arms. There is so much he did to me. Too many shocks.

  • #66739
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi all, i have chronic pain in my spine, which has been caused by accidents over the years. It started as sciatica a decade or so ago that lasted much longer than the usual 3-4 weeks which it usually did. My OH can be actually quite thoughtful and caring with regards to my condition. Other times he lacks patience, or mocks me, or says it is all in my head. I too take morphine plus a muscle relaxant fir it. he’s called me a j****e on more than one occasion. Then says cant you take a joke when i get upset😏 sex has dwindled to almost non existent, pain has a lot to do with it, but it’s really down to how hes spoken to me and hurt me physically over the years.i can’t get how its all about him when it comes to sex. He’ll say things like its not your back i want to f..k or you’ve a mouth or a hand. Its so degrading, it has made me not want sex for such a long time now. I find it really hard to help him do home repairs, he gets so angry cos I’m so slow getting him tools or whatever it is he needs. Anything he does he expects to be paid in sex or he’ll say something like, if you let me s..g you, I’ll get you x for the house. I helped you tidy the house you better give me it tonight!!I feel as if I’m a prostitute.
    With chronic pain comes secondary problems, depression being one of the main ones. So having a health problem AND living with an abuser is a double whammy where depression is concerned.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #80134
     Woollymammal 
    Participant

    Hi all,
    I had my eye out with cancer, and also have spine problems which have left me with nerve damage, I have just been diagnosed with diabetes too..
    He totally ignores the fact I have problems, when I was in hospital with my 2nd back operation, he brought me some clothes( all mosh mash) never came up again.. I had to have a taxi home.. he wouldn’t let me rest after..He doesn’t like it if I sleep except for bedtime..
    Yet I have to listen and have sympathy with everything he apparently suffers with..
    24 hrs a day, 7 days a week it’s about him..
    Not that I say a lot about my pain as he ignores it anyway, why should he listen to me… so I don’t even bother mentioning things..
    How evil they are..
    Hugs to you all
    X*x

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