Living with emotional abuse

[Disneydreamer]

I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) so a very long time. We have 2 children
I have finally come to terms with the fact he emotionally abuses me and has done for the majority of our relationship.
He has cheated on me at least once that i know of, he has sent countless messages to more women and ex’s than i know. He left me (detail removed by moderator) of years ago, but came back. He calls me names, shouts, he constantly belittles me. Makes me feel useless, ashamed of who i am. I have to watch what i say around him because if he wants he can fly off the handle over the smallest thing and i cant really have my own opinion unless i want an arguement. He calls me lazy, he calls me fat. Me and our children are financially dependant on him. He has said he doesnt love me countless of times but then other times says he loves me. Everything is always my fault and nothing i do is ever good enough. I dont give him enough love, i dont give him enough sex.
The latest thing he has said to me is that it is a relationship of convenience.
I dont really have any close friends as have grown apart and dont really have anyone to turn to for any kind of support. I feel so alone. I know i should leave and should of done years ago but i do love him and not every day is bad. He would never let me take the kids and he wouldnt accept if i chucked him out. He has said it before. He knows i am trapped he has total control. I just feel lost with no emotional support.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome, sadly it’s emotional, sexual, mental and financial abuse and it’s all designed to control you. To destroy your self confidence is how you dominate someone and that’s what he’s doing. Coercive control is now illegal. Start by contacting your local women’s aid for support. Abusing you is also child abuse and that can leave long lasting mental damage to your children. There is help out there. There’s a national domestic abuse helpline which I’d urge you to ring and there is also an online chat on here. His behaviour is designed to make you feel trapped and mentally dependent on him. Google the cycle of abuse. The power and control wheel and see if it makes sense. Google trauma bonding, love doesn’t hurt us. He doesn’t love you, it’s just a mask he wears to keep you hooked in. You absolutely do not have to live this way.

[Disneydreamer]

Thankyou so much for your response. Although i definitely do recognise now what he does, its making it real enough in my head to act that is the hard part. Its being mentally strong enough to do something that I am really struggling with. I dont even recognise myself from the person i was when I met him, I was strong, confident, independent very much a social butterfly and now I am just a shell.
I will definitely check out the website and those google searches you have suggested try and get my head around this all.

[sweet4]

Disneydreamer.
Your post sounds similar to mine.kip is correct, she has helped me with so much advice, i am now further ahead, i have learned words like Gas lighting, words i have never heard of before i have contacted Solice, Womans Aid and now NCDV, who have told me i can get a Non molestation order,where as the police said i cant.
I dont have any friends either or family, but theses ladies are here for us.Thank god!
Its a very slow process, but we are stronger than them mentally.Keep posting. xx

[Sugarcookie]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds very similar to my situation we have 2 kids also, it feels like being trapped in a nightmare it’s a constant drip feed of abuse with some louder and more aggressive outbursts, i only left quite recently but still don’t feel better tbh. He used to put down anything I enjoyed like reading or cooking and for A time I stopped doing those things but then I decided that I had to fight it and day to day even reading a book began to feel like a small victory like a rebellion and I think it kept me sane and showed him that he couldn’t kill my spirit.. until I finally got the courage to leave

[Celeanor]

This sounds like the person I have just come out of a relationship with, thankfully we didn’t have children together although he was always asking that I would come off my pill so we could have one and I never did because deep down I knew he was not the one for me and now I am so so thankful that I listened to my heart as this would have been another way that he would have control over me.
These men are horrible and don’t want us to feel good about ourselves or confident. They want us to feel like we are nothing, we’re useless and no one would be interested in us.
I feel if my ex could, he would just trap me out of the house and away from the world so he had me all to himself. It’s crazy when I was in the relationship , everyone from my family / a couple of friends I had would tell me he treated me so wrong and it isn’t really until now that I have finally left, I realise just how controlling and abusive he was. I still love him and miss him but I also hate what he has done to me.
It’s important to talk to people and let your emotions out and that’s what this group is for.
My messages are always open if you need someone to vent to.
Be strong and remember, you’re worth so much more than the women he makes you feel!

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