Living with my abuser – avoiding trouble

[Lottieblue]

Ok. I understand about Grey Rocking. But can anyone offer advice on this one… when he “instructs” me to do something I don’t want to do (because it will involve him being unpleasant), what do I do? So, for example, and I’m making this up as an example, he tells me I need to arrange an evening out with friends, doing something specific, but I know that this will create a perfect environment for him to be abusive. Like warm and damp to bacteria.
I have tried saying no, I don’t want to do that, or I would only do that under these specific conditions (ie you don’t do this or that) but I get the “right, fine” and the slammed door. Then some time will pass and then he will suggest it again. And I know that he’s thinking “she knows she displeased me last time, she wouldn’t dare do it again”. And I know he’s right, because I know it would be worse.
Recently, (removed by the moderator). He slammed the door on his way out and then a couple of hours later he came in and did it anyway.
It’s pathetic that just the anger and the door slamming has such a physical effect on me – why does it make me feel afraid? – but it does, even after all these years.

[KIP.]

There is no right answer from us or from you because he will simply change the goal posts and abuse you about something else anyway. While you are with him you will be abused and it will get worse. The only way to avoid it is to get away and stay away. I spent years trying to appease him by doing what he wanted but he just abused me over something else. It’s nothing to do with what you do or don’t do. You could be perfect. He chooses to abuse you. He enjoys making you feel scared and you’re fearful of his aggression. You know what he’s capable of and that’s how coercive control works.

[snowbunting]

KIP has summed this all up, its such a hard phase you are in right now. It took me decades to finally start divorce proceedings but just know you are not alone as there are so many women who have walked in your shoes and understand how very difficult this all is. x

[diymum@1]

you could say things like ‘well we will see’ or ‘thats your opinion’ or something like that xx your scared because he leaves you anticipating violence. so he dosent have to lift his hand slamming a door storming around thats an inadvertant way of saying without words dont p**s me off you can hear that im really angry xx so your on egg shells constantly

[Author]

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