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It has been years of insanity. One minute I feel sorry to see him distressed, frightened, suffering from paranoia and delusions, and another minute I am angry and heartbroken as I can’t take it anymore. According to him, I am a cheater, murderer, child abuser, I am involved in (detail removed by moderator) having hundreds of lovers. I am (detail removed by moderator).
He rants about me and everyone else, neighbours, strangers, anyone he meets. Passive aggressive remarks to outright blaming. I try not to react, be calm. I do not leave house much. I shield my kids from his ranting and bad moods. I am composed and cheerful for kids to feel safe. I put up a face for them, but there is so much pain hidden inside me, I just can’t take it anymore.
I am isolated, so is my husband, paranoid about everyone. I am the only one still there. I feel responsible, I know he is vulnerable and sick, yet I can’t stop feeling anger and resentment. I feel treated unfairly. I want to leave.
So many reasons to leave, but the main reason one is that he refuses to contact health services and get treatment. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him. So I have no hope for things to change. I have to do something.
What is stopping me? Not finances, not fear of violence, not even guilt of leaving someone so unwell. It is kids.
Tell me, how do I fight for full custody? I do not want to leave them with him even for a minute. He is not threatening to me or them, but I just don’t trust him as his reality is completely distorted.
How do I prove he is sick? He has history of (detail removed by moderator) (several decades ago), according to him it was very traumatic, so he is hiding his current relapse for several years now.
How do I plan this and move on? Do I involve social services? Contact GP? What do I do?
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Ok hear me out, how can you be sure he’s schizophrenic? Has he told you that?
The reason I ask is because a lot of what you describe is abusive behaviour, and many abusers lie about illnesses. Why? It triggers our caring side, makes us feel guilty for questioning their behaviour or wanting to leave, and ‘excuses’ their actions.
Does he only rant in your presence, what’s he like if he does go out or someone comes round – is he fine with them?
I don’t know much about the illness but are schizophrenics aware when relapsing?
Why do you stay? Look into FOG – fear, obligation and guilt. Read about trauma bonding & cognitive dissonance where our brains excuse their actions. Are there any schizophrenic/ mental health organisations which can give you specific guidance about that condition so you know what to expect & how to help. You’re not responsible for him, he’s an adult and there’s support services out there. For abusive behaviour read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’, can find it free online or buy a copy. Hope this all helps x
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I am a carer for family members with mental illness. It can be hard when people hide their illnesses and do not get treatment.
Have you any support from your GP or local carers group? I was in a group many years ago who identified that I was in fact in an abusive relationship not a caring one though I was not able to leave at the time.
A carers organisation might be able to help you to look after yourself and the children as well as your husband. And your local domestic violence organisation.
It took me a while but now I am confident referring to my abuser rather than my cared for person. -
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