Living with Triggers and Finding Comfort.

[bumbum]

Hello, I have had kind of a sleepless night and have been dwelling on stuff. I figured I might ramble on here for a while. Just so you know I have depression and c-ptsd and will be touching on these topics.

Over the holidays I thought I saw one of my abusers (removed by moderator)) which caused some mental health issues to worsen. To add some context, I was in a supermarket picking up some bits and I thought I saw them. I’m not 100% it was them as I haven’t seen them in years but like it looked enough like them to trigger a small panic attack. I had to quickly hide and catch my breath/calm down before rushing home.

Since then I have been a lot more nervous about going to my local shops in case (removed by moderator) is now living in the area. I dont want him to see me and work out/know where I live. He has stalked me before and at one point spent months sending daily death threats. I have had trouble sleeping and feeling safe at home. This made a time of year that was already hard almost impossible for me.

I kept what happened to myself for a while but recently talked to my friend about it. To be honest they weren’t to understanding, which was surprising since they are also an abuse victim. I explained what happened and they repeatedly tried to make the point that a lot of people look similar and that because I wasn’t certain it probably wasn’t him. I tried to justify my fear by explaining I haven’t seen him in years and I am not sure if I would recognize him.

They also said it wasn’t him because he didn’t cause any issues. I made the point this person, A didn’t see me and B, hasn’t actually caused issues for a few years. This seemed to frustrate they because she couldn’t understand why I was scared if he hasn’t caused trouble for a while. I explained that it was upsetting because it triggered me and she just seemed… annoyed. This person also has ptsd so the fact they didn’t seem to sympathize really hurt.

This situation has been keeping me up at night. Both the event itself and the reaction from my friend. Its disheartening to try and find comfort in someone only too feel like your over reacting. Yes, (removed by moderator) hasn’t caused issues in a few years but that doesn’t mean he wont again in the future. Nor does it erase the years and years of abuse. This person abused (removed by moderator), emotionally manipulated me, sexually violated me, stalked me and sent death threats. I have a restraining order against him and even that didn’t put him off attacking me for a long time. He went to prison over it, I think its fair I am scared of this person.

I’m tried of living in fear. I’m tried of living with triggers. Most of all I’m tired of feeling like I am crazy. I feel so isolated all the time and I hate it.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Triggers are very real for us and the panic and fear that comes with it can puts us in a state of high anxiety. Allow your nervous system to come down the next 24 hours , take very good care of yourself. Don’t drink any coffee, it makes it worse. Drink plenty of water and force yourself to rest.

The lack of concern for your safety from your friend is incomprehensible, I too had one friend who went through abuse then didn’t show any sympathy for me instead she sided with my abusive ex.
She’s the first one I cut out of my life. After him of course.
Surround yourself with people who fully support your especially in moments of need such as this one.

You can tackle your anxiety in different ways to empower yourself again;
– shop somewhere else for while.
– contact and inform the police. Perhaps ask to see video footage of the supermarket, at the time and day you saw him to verify if it was him or not. Then the police can advice what to do next.
If he assaulted you and went to prison and stalked you this proves he is very dangerous and capable of anything.
– you don’t have to deal with any of this alone. Seek support from Women’s Aid. They can help you perhaps to go to the police together. Or Victim Support.

Wishing you calm and peace and safety

[bumbum]

My friend is normally very understanding but sometimes we clash. She is very logical when it comes to other peoples problems. I defiantly wouldn’t cut her out my life as she is one of the most supportive people in my life.

I mostly just find the situation lonesome. I have found it hard to make anyone quite understand how scared my brother makes me feel. The relationship was very complicated and I think most my loved ones have trouble keeping up with it. No one can relate to it.

I will go to the police if he does appear and cause issues. Though I cant really report him just for being in the same shop as me at the same time. I’m not 100% it was him and even if it was I doubt he was seeking me in particular. I will defiantly ask the shop about their cctv if I see him again though.

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