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Why, everyone wonders, do women not leave. Why, we often wonder, do we not leave!
I have just learned of a breed of baboons where the males treat the females horrifically. The female that the head male wants the most, follows the male so closely as to almost be touching, if the female steps out of line, wanders off, does ANYTHING ‘wrong’, the male is cruel, so violent and punishing to her, that she daren’t do anything ‘wrong’ again. She knows what ‘wrong’ is, she’s learnt the hardest way, but all ‘wrong’ is, is something he doesn’t like, that might mean she escapes or find her own choice of male, but she has no part of her brain left that isn’t captured and held hostage to his threats and violence, it even extends to killing of their infants. She sticks to him like unbreakable glue because he wants her and does everything to ‘keep’ her his unchained prisoner and hostage, to use at will. It’s encouraging to at least know that the females of many breeds of baboons and other monkey type troups do choose their male partner, based on the appearance and behaviour of the male, but not in this troup.
For women abused, friends/family/work colleagues cannot see the very real chains, and have no idea how strong and powerful those locks and chains are, so how could they possibly understand why you would stay with someone you are unhappy (at the very least) with. Bonds of love and attachment are not the same as happiness.
Even after you have managed to cut through one link to enable escape, those psychological shackles and chains still rattle in our brains, reminding us of the ‘wrongs’, how we ‘should’ have been ‘better’, how ‘bad’ we are. The rattles can be very loud, and need so much eroding, with the strongest of tools, to make them truly break.
Never underestimate the strength of those [invisible] chains, don’t blame yourself for the chains you find yourself in, they were locked on you by abuse, and visitors in prison can sometimes be few, others can’t easily see them.
Get all the strongest tools that you can to help you cut through the steels and the right keys to unlock all the shackles that bind you tightly to him. It’s all chains, heavy, strong, tiring to drag around all day and night, chains.
He tricks you to believing you locked yourself in these chains too! He waves the key telling you that you can ‘free’ yourself from the chains, yet you know you would still be in the prison, and behind the bars.
Powerful tools that break chains can be found within yourself, and others.
Break the chains! The powerful tools exist to be free!
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This “He waves the key telling you that you can ‘free’ yourself from the chains”..
So many times he told me, I can leave, he will not hurt me for doing so, because he knows I’m unhappy because he treats me bad. It is always the biggest TRAP! So many times when he saw me even thinking about it he would make sure to punish me good. Either with physical violence or hitting where it hurts most emotionally.He does this even know, telling me how happy he would be without me in his life, yet he doesn’t leave me and doesn’t let me to leave to live my life in piece.
It makes me so sad and angry to see other women who never experienced abuse to talk so bad about women that have or still do. I guess you never know those reasons ‘why you can’t JUST leave’ until you experience this life. When the fear overtakes your whole body and you automatically go into survival mode.
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People don’t understand that you do try to leave, more so at the beginning when you still have your wits about you. But for evil people, the victim can’t just ask to leave or end the relationship? That only works for people with empathy and compassion.
Instead you’re told that it’s too soon, give them another chance and opportunity to show their true colours not judge after an argument or misunderstanding.
And because you’re nice or even just to prove them you stay for just a little longer but then the next time is harder and harder until it’s not worth your breathe to say anything and just “deal with it”
Then the shame and embarrassment of ever having to tell friends or family what you’ve allowed to be done, especially when you’re “strong” or have dealt with abuse before
And you know they’ll say “just leave” if it was that easy, it would be done.
Even if you do leave it doesn’t always stop the abuse and it 100% doesn’t stop the impact of what’s happened and you’ll not be the super happy person people will expect you to be after escaping you’ll be sadder and more depressed than during the relationship and if you have responsibilities you can’t have a breakdown and be depressed for awhile you still have to cope but you know when it all comes out you won’t have a choice you’ll be depressed and you’ll feel guilty for not being able to do your responsibilities anymore for an unknown amount of time
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Thank you TS really interesting to read.
The bit that reads he wants her and does everything to keep her. This is so relatable, when you think you find the strength to leave or even the start to process even just thinking of it they know, sense and then act accordingly to just stop the thought process or win you back if you’ve been strong enough to leave.
It doesn’t stop and I imagine many women feel like and are treated a a possession. You are his.
I know my husband senses very quickly know and when I am moving away from him, as I’ve got stronger he’s got cleverer too. He knocks me down and it’s part of the cycle.
This is when you need the strongest tools
Nobody understands unless they’ve been where we have been. You can’t just leave. Infact the longer you stay the harder it is and the cleverer they become, leaving you trapped and exhausted.
I will reread your post again. Thanks for sharing your findings
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Funny reading this. Can relate to the part where they tell you to go, but then refuse to let you leave. I’ve been told he will take me to the station but then he won’t do it. As I try and pack he’ll follow me around shouting about how I need to change. He’s convinced and actually said I wouldn’t survive without him.
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Funny, mine believes the same that I would be nothing without him! He always try to gaslight me into saying if I leave him I will be jumping from one man to another because they all will want to use me and then leave. What’s even funnier I don’t even want to be in any relationship. Not with him, not with anyone else even if that was a truly good person. I just want to be LEFT ALONE.
Or him being so delusional saying that I won’t survive without him financially, but yet I am the one who pays rent, for groceries, bills, etc. There was a period of time where I made him pay rent but now it’s back to square 1. I have to support myself, my child AND HIM. And yet somehow I won’t survive without him? To be honest I am convinced that I would be even in a better situation financially without him.They are using these different ways to make you scared to leave and stay. Or abuse you financially so you have no funds to get your own place especially if you have no friends and family to go to.
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My hope is that it will somehow make some of this a little more easy to understand, and to bring some self-empathy for anyone that’s struggling with this at the moment, whether still chained in it, or still hearing the chains loudly rattling after freeing themselves from the prison.
Stay strong beautiful gals on Galentine’s Day.
warmest wishes
ts
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I needed to read these posts tonight. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) years in, should have left 5 years ago. I’m not getting any younger and want to enjoy what I have left! I don’t understand why I can’t say, ‘I don’t want to be with you’. I’m sure he knows but won’t let me go! I am independent, I don’t rely on him yet I’m off to see him tomorrow and I’m dreading it. Keep thinking how am I going to get out of going. I wish I knew the answer. It’s caused massive rifts in my family.
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…the baboons however, dont’ goad, or dangle false hopes of freedom, don’t play at manipulations and mind messing, they are straight out cruel, far more straightforward to deal with, as animals, and this has become their way to survive as a species. Human male perpetrators though, a whole other level.
Know your enemy, to keep safe all.
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