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Hi,
This last week has been so hard. He sent me a card a few weeks ago in the post. I have gone No Contact and so I haven’t spoken to him for a while. I have changed my numbers. I started to miss him and question whether or not he had abused me at all last week so I had to read “the list” and also speak to my counsellor to keep me thinking logically. When my period is due I feel like I miss him more. It is almost unbearable.
Then I logged onto social media, he has created an account and sent me a handful of messages, one quite sinister (saying things like (detail removed by Moderator), so then I went from feeling like I missed him to feeling scared and having nightmares that someone violent was pushing through a wall to get to me and the wall was crumbling. I have had 2 dreams like this. I sent a message back to him telling him to f-off. Then he messaged me saying that he would love me forever and that no one would ever replace me. That message was like a knife in my heart. I had to speak to my counsellor as it made me feel guilty, sad and that I was being cruel to him.
He is in my head, he has control of my emotions. I have been brainwashed and I am fighting to get him out.
I have called the police to log the messages as I need to prove to social services that I am safeguarding kids.
I will block him put part of me can’t let go, which sounds pathetic but is how I feel. I have read a few posts on here where the women are feeling similar to me, I feel like I love him, but he scares me to death. There is no future in our relationship and I would lose my kids if I speak to him but he is on my mind most of the time. It’s like the abuse is still continuing. He has damaged me so much.
I am also on edge now because he is clearly still focused on me and if he turns up at my house I am afraid he will kill me. But there is a part of me that would be pleased to see him. What the hell is all that about?
I can understand how people get brain washed in cults. I think I have Stockholm syndrome.
Anyway, thanks- coffee break over- back to work xx -
Oh dear!!!
I feel exactly the same 🙁 I hate him one day and I love him the other day. I know I can’t be with him because he will destroy me completely buy I miss him so so much!
There is no day I do not think about him. it’s just killing me. I have good moments as well when I am able to think clearly but like yesterday I was crying, shaking and at the end I drunk a bottle of wine to ease my pain. I thought I don’t need any counselling when this happened but now after some time it hit me really badly. I can’t understand how a person who supposed to love me could beat me up and abuse me emotionally.
How can we overcome these feeling that we miss our abusers?
I started new relationship with a very positive man who is normal but I feel the past is chasing me constantly… -
I think that abuse does something to the brain. I can recognise that I have become conditioned and that my longing it not rational or healthy. This is congintive dissonance, trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome due to intermittent reinforcement of love and then abuse. My mind and my emotions have become so confused . I can see it, but how i feel still seems to be out of my control at times. And then at other times I feel fine and normal.
It is so isolating as this makes no sense to the non-abused world. So a big part of you goes underground and becomes hidden. No one part from my counsellor has a clue I feel like this. I am not feeling suicidal, I will fight this but I can understand how women get overwhelmed in the aftermath of abuse as there is no peace.
My conclusion is in the face of domestic abuse, where someone charms you into submission and then uses their position in your heart to punish and torture you, the mind adapts, it alters and it stays changed even after the hot and cold tap has been turned off. My only hope is that I can recover in time. It feels like I have a long way to go. X -
In one of the most helpful books I have read on this subject, it says that in our particular victim group (survivors of domestic abuse)PTSD can present itself as intrusive thoughts, but not intrusive thoughts about the abuse itself, not negative intrusive thoughts but positive ones. The abusive thoughts are quite commonly nice memories and positive feelings which keep flashing up over and over again at unwanted times, torturing the survivor. The book said that this type of PTSD is more unique to us. That made sense to me. These memories of love are unwanted, intrusive thoughts.
It is almost as if, the trauma is so great that the mind blocks out the abuse, but still flashes back to the relationship in the form of the nice bits.I am not glad any of you feel like me but it feels affirming to be able to speak with people who understand.
Thank you for reading X*x -
Alice, you describe exactly what I went through and if it’s any comfort, once the brain sorts through the mess and trauma you come out the other side a different person. You recognise the dysfunction and the triggers become less and less. So there definately is light at the end of the tunnel but you have one hell of a rollercoaster ride getting there. Hang in there and keep educating yourself on domestic abuse. You’re not alone. I was with my husband for decades and the abuse was quite horrific but I managed to get through by taking all the help I could, listening to good professionals at women’s aid. Reading and posting on here.
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Wow!! I just had to comment on this. All of your posts couldn’t have been written any better to explain exactly what is happening to me too.
I am so so glad that there are people who understand. It reassures me that I’m not crazy!
It does make me sad tho. These awful experiences have happened to all of you and far too many other people.
I’m so glad I have found this forum. As like many of you I have no one to talk to about this. I’m waiting for a counsellor. Fingers crossed for all of us that in time we will be completely free from it all. Hugs. X x x -
Alice, I am glad that you logged his attempts to contact you with the police.
The longer you are out and no contact the more you will reject him and the feeling of missing him will vanish.
The brain is in overdrive after abuse and it is almost impossible to switch it off. It fires thoughts and feelings constantly. -
I can definitely relate to this too. The bizarre, terrible combination of feeling like you miss him yet are also terrified of him. My ex is a (detail removed by Moderator) who did a lot of subtle, covert abuse and I know now that he’s very dangerous but my brain keeps replaying memories of the ‘nice times’ and it makes me feel so sad and in disbelief. I miss the ‘lovely caring boyfriend’ I thought I had. The relationship seemed so normal most of the time which seems to make the cognitive dissonance worse. At one point when we were deep in denial and brainwashing we all thought we were so lucky to have ‘such great men’ in our lives. It is horrifying and horrendously painful to realise that your own partner is covertly deliberately hurting you and maybe even plotting your death. You think ‘not me, not my man, surely, this can’t be happening, this is a nightmare of unimaginable proportions’ then the brain sort of shuts down as it struggles to process the trauma of it all. And of course to add to the confusion, throughout it all the abuser laughs at you, reassures you and tells you you are imagining everything and that he cares deeply about you so you question yourself over and over doubting your own judgement and intuition.
All we are missing is the false persona they created, not the real person, but the brain/heart still gets confused. Like Kip said it should ease with time and support. It definitely is a rollercoaster.
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