Loneliness

[Anonymous]

I finally left (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago! My husband had subjected me to physical/domestic/emotional and financial abuse for many years and I’m so glad and relieved that it’s over.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but not in ways I expected. I thought I would be in tears and really struggling to not contact him but I’m just indifferent? It’s a very strange feeling. The thing I’m actually struggling with most is loneliness.

He was extremely controlling and therefore I have no close friends. I am friendly with the people I work with but because of his behaviour I have always played up to being antisocial and slowly over the years I stopped being invited to things ( I wasn’t allowed to go anyway!).

This has started to changed recently, I mentioned to a few people that I have left my husband and they invited me to a meal which I really enjoyed. One of my colleagues mentioned how nice it was to see my outside of work and commented that she enjoyed my company, which was so kind and really gave me some much needed confidence. A few of them mentioned me calling/texting them if I wanted to meet up etc but I’m just so nervous and anxious.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m so scared of embarrassing myself, they also know nothing of the abuse and I don’t want them discovering I’m some freak with no social skills. I was never allowed to text anyone before so I don’t really get how it works?! I don’t know how to be a friend, I don’t know how to suggest meeting up and it makes me feel so alien. I’ve also never had any social media (again I wasn’t allowed) so I don’t really have any other way to socialise.

I guess I’m just looking for advise if you’ve been through similar, how did you reach out to people, how did you build good friendships? Should I ever mention the abuse and if so when?

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading!

[KIP.]

Hey and welcome. Well done for escaping. It’s going to take a while to adjust to freedom and to surviving survival. All your self esteem has been eroded by him and that will take time to rebuild but you will get there. Just take baby steps. Get some good counselling to help with the anxiety, which is totally understandable. Are there any relationships you would like to revisit that your ex prevented you from building on? Start small with a little hobby you like. Something just for you. Something to build your confidence. Sounds like you have some good people at work. You are not a freak with no social skills. You couldn’t hold down a job if that was the case. Write three positive things every day to keep you in a positive frame of mind. Check out local groups or charities. Your local women’s aid may have something. Have you done the freedom programme with your local women’s aid? Your local library also has a lot of activities. Mine does mindfulness which is another great way to help with anxiety. You’re bound to feel overwhelmed at the moment but just take baby steps and you will get there x

[Anonymous]

Thanks KIP,

Haha yes, baby steps sounds like a good approach, I think I’m just ready to live my life now and I’m so impatient!

Will need to look into the freedom programme and check what’s on at my local library they sound like good starting points.

I really enjoy yoga and meditation and have used that as a coping tool for years and now for healing so I should probably look into public classes.

Will definitely start doing the 3 positive things a day!

Thanks so much for your support and advice, hope you’re doing well.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi. Well done for getting out. I can totally understand where you are coming from regarding the texting etc. It’s difficult to guess isn’t it? If you have time during the day maybe you could text someone with a message such as “I have to go into town/the shops/whatever. If you’re about do you fancy a cake and a cuppa? I’ll probably stop for one at about 1.30pm (for example), but am flexible on that.”

Something light and non-committal like that maybe. If they are busy and can’t make it don’t be disheartened though.

Or, if you are planning to buy a new dress/kitchen appliance, you could say this and that you’d really like their opinion if they’re available to come with you or meet. Then say, we could get coffee/tea at that lovely cafe afterward if you have time.

Give yourself time. It sounds as if people at work are happy to welcome you as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Thanks EbonyRaven,

The texting thing really is hard to guess! I like your non committal style so will try that when I pluck up the courage.

Going shopping for clothes is something I find very emotional, he chose all my clothes. I want to be more adventurous with fashion but I get stressed and worry I’m going to look like mutton dressed as lamb and can still hear his vile comments in my head ( I had to dress very conservatively).

I think shopping with another woman would be so encouraging, I’m not confident in my body and it would help to have someone objective suggest what suits me. Fingers crossed I’ll need more going out clothes in the coming months as I start building a group of friends.

[Camel]

Hi Smokey

You sound really positive, just a little scared. Perhaps the best advice so far is to take those baby steps and concentrate on things that please you. Friendships will come naturally from there.

I joined a Pilates class and now go twice a week. There was no awkwardness (I get social anxiety) because we were all there to do the class and time for chat was limited. They’re lovely women that I’ve got to know over time. I’m sure you’d find enjoyment in a yoga class, especially if it’s a smallish group.

You don’t need to learn how to be a friend as people already enjoy your company. It’s daunting putting yourself out there and you’ll find lots of people feel the same way. One strategy I used was saying yes to every invitation. (I don’t mean dating!)

Unless you love being the centre of attention, changing your style is best tackled stealthily. Start by brightening up your conservative outfits with a colourful scarf, great shoes and coat and a fab new hairdo. Then invest in at least one new item a month. Try stuff on at home where you can see how they look with different shoes, whether jumpers fit under jackets, if they look OK when you’re seated. Before too long you will have a whole new wardrobe and can ditch the old gear. You’ll know what makes you feel good. And when you get compliments (and you will) don’t dismiss them – just say thanks!

You ask whether you should reveal the abuse. I think that being a survivor is neither a dirty secret nor a topic for general discussion. Say your work friends ask why you never used to mix. You could tell them the whole story. Or you could say that lots of ordinary things were made very difficult for you and you’re grateful for their support in helping you move on.

Finally, you say you are lonely. At first, evenings and weekends do feel like endless black holes. I was permanently anxious and couldn’t settle. But it wasn’t loneliness – my body was still on high alert for abuse. Once I began to recover I found contentment in having my own space and only myself to please.

Wishing you all the best x

[Anonymous]

Thanks Camel,

You’ve made some really helpful suggestions.

I actually plucked up the courage to text someone today, no concrete plans yet but it’s a start!

Yes the evening and weekends are feeling like a black hole, I am scared of ending up completely alone. I guess because of the abuse I don’t feel worthy of other people’s time and effort but I am so lonely 😪

Tomorrow’s project will be finding a yoga class or maybe joining a gym with lots of different classes.

I think I’ve had a bit of anxiety today, I’ve been very shaky but I pushed through it and took myself out to lunch and then sat in the park all afternoon.

I said hello to a couple of people and practised smiling at people too lol I know it sounds ridiculous but I suppose I was conditioned by him to always keep my head down and not have any interaction with other people.

Has being abused changed the way any of you view men? If you weren’t allowed friends did you seek out male or female friendships after you got free?

[Camel]

Hi Smokey

After so long feeling friendless I can understand your impatience to crack on and fill the ‘void’. Without the abuser to pander to you’ll suddenly find a lot of time on your hands. Think of this as space to heal rather than some kind of failing on your part.

Try to shake off the idea that you’re not worthy company. You’ve escaped abuse and don’t want to pick up the baton where he left off!

I think you have to accept that friendships come in many shapes and finding one to fill your weekends will take time. A friend you lunch with won’t necessarily want to join you in the evening. It’s nothing personal. So rather than searching out that one meaningful friendship you could cultivate one casual friend for every situation.

When you join your yoga group remind yourself that no one knows you yet. It’s the perfect chance to pretend a confidence you don’t feel. Don’t hide at the back. Keep your head up, make eye contact, say hello. You don’t need to be scintillating, just friendly and open, and most people will respond in kind.

Once you’ve joined one new group the next one will be a breeze! Instead of staying in all weekend and feeling lonely, how about finding one sociable thing to do each day? (The library notice board is a good place to look for ideas.) Be brave and be glad of this time to do as you please. x

[Author]

Posts