Loneliness

[Anonymous]

I left a few weeks ago and am too ill to work and in a great deal of pain. I feel like life is pointless and I have lost everything. My wider friends and family although well meaning (I think) are now trying to control me too. They say get him removed from the home, prosecute etc etc. They say ‘We respect your own opinion, but….’ They stop talking if I come in the room, as if I’m a child who can’t make a decision for myself. Everyone has an opinion and just can’t keep it to themselves. The paranoid part of me suspects they are enjoying the drama, and also for some of them it’s a case of wish fulfilment – me doing something they might have liked to do themselves … leave a long standing relationship. It doesn’t help that most of the people in my life have amazing lives that just keep getting better. They are also talking to me less as I don’t follow their instructions or move forward with my pain. I knew if I left people would drift away and I would be left alone. Every day I wish I had gone back because at least I would have my children. I was told I was at risk but I really don’t care if I live or die because I have no life even though I’ve left. I’m worried I left because I didn’t want to disappoint my wider family and friends. I don’t know if I made the right decision.

I have lost my adult children and they just say , ‘oh you’ll get them back’. But I might not and the pain of living with this every day is unbearable. I feel like I’ve wasted my life and the thought of not being able to work again is terrifying (I’m very ill). I am chasing benefits and getting nowhere fast. Medical professionals say I need to talk to someone, but every time I give more details of what went on I feel worse. It doesn’t help that they say something to me, which makes it clear they haven’t read my notes and don’t know me. I have no home , no money, no children.

Also, I know it’s not a cool thing to say, but I don’t want to live my life alone forever and the thought of never meeting someone kind makes me feel lonely and hopeless. I would never trust anyone again anyway.

What if it never gets better? I know it’s weak to want to be with someone, but I am just of the opinion that a life is better sharing with a best friend. Not just friends who have such perfect lives they are hard to be around. It’s just how I’m built. I’m told to take it one day at a time, but it just doesn’t get easier.

[Cecile]

I felt that way for as many years as I was with him. There is light ahead and you will find it. It’s important to be able to give voice to your loneliness and then when you start to fell happy (and you will ) you will be able to give to that as well. So many of us become numb emotionally from the trauma. Your feelings are returning and although they all same dark ones at the moment your brain can make happy ones as well.
Have you thought about getting tablets from your GP for feeling low? They can actually help to clear brain fog and help you to live again. Also I think you should talk to a medical professional about just how hopeless you feel. It can be so exhausting trying to rebuild a life when you feel so drained of hope. Medical staff are paid to help with this, and they want to help.
I never thought that I could be as happy as I am now. It sneaked up on me. It can happen for you also. Hang on in there, and keep posting and getting the amazing advice from the ladies on here.

[Anonymous]

I can’t take tablets (as directed by a dr) as they make me worse and significantly increase the pain I have in other areas. I’ve today have two friends tell me to be more positive (even though I’m in excruciating pain and can’t work) and I think it’s very easy for people coming from a position of strength and a happy family to tell people to ‘buck up’. None of them know what years of this can do to a person and how hard it is to let go of the ‘kind’ side of the person. To friends it’s all black and white caricatures and real life isn’t like Disney with good and evil characters. People have different shades of grey. I know now that the good doesn’t make up for the bad in extreme circumstances, but nonetheless it doesn’t make it easier to face a life alone missing the good parts.

[Orangerainbow]

I am hearing you as I feel simular feelings. I can only take it a day at a time. I keep cancelling out the “good times” as they mean nothing when I compare them to how I was treated on a daily basis. I don’t believe they were real l anymore. I am watching youtube videos on n********m and it has altered my perception on many things. I also try and be kind to myself. The loneliness I get too. I don’t want to be aline I want to be around caring people, without a hidden agenda. I too dont have a home. I am taking all the help I can get. The one thing I have found is I learned how to be on my own and sleep on my own in that so called relationship. Somethimg I never believed I could do. Yet I am doing it. Not thinking too far ahead helps me. I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling as you do. Lets take it moment by moment. Others mean well but don’t know what you have endured. When I try to explain ..their lack of understanding only serves to upset and trigger me. So I am not going there with them anymore. There is help out there and that serves us more. Take care.

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