Lonely

[Tiffany]

It seems like such a stupid thing to complain about, when everyone is dealing with such awful stuff. But I don’t really feel like I can say this anywhere else. After months of being hard and angry and coping I have finally got bogged down in anxiety and the sadness that I didn’t let myself feel.

I miss being in a relationship. I miss physically affection and I miss having someone there who can soothe me after a bad day. Basically I am lonely. And sad that I have lost what I thought was a life time partner.

My anxiety levels have also been through the roof. Terrified of everything. Feeling totally incapable. Everyone tells me that I am so calm. But I can feel my world crumbling and I don’t know how I carry on. I just want to shut out the world and hide.

[Janedoeissad]

I can relate to this. I miss someone who did things the same way as I did. We were so organised. I miss that.

I miss hugs. As stupid as it sounds and someone doing the “how was your day routine”.

This is all not helped by the fact he is being helpful and asking all the right questions at the moment.

I now get stressed out about the littlest thing. I hate that. I hate this anxiety that is slowly creeping in. I used to be so logical and work with reason. Now it’s like someone has switched that off. I’m snappy with people and just want to be left alone but people want to be around to be helpful.

Sorry, that’s probably not very helpful but what keeps me “sane” is knowing that my story is not over. There will be someone else eventually and I try to focus on other things.

You are doing very well and your anxiety will hopefully at the very least become manageable.

[Tiffany]

The stupid thing is that it was probably worse when I was with him. He withheld affection far more often than he gave it. It was never a convenient time for me to have a bad day or need support. I used to wonder why it always seemed that our bad days synced up – I suspect now that he needed to be the centre of attention so he had to come up with something that was making his life worse than mine anytime I had a bad day.

Basically I miss the delusion that I was supported and loved.

You are doing well too Jane. And it will get better once you are no contact. I know I am in an anxiety dip, but I was out and out terrified whenever I heard from my abuser. Things got better for a long time after I went no contact. It’s only the last few month that have been bad again for me. And I am not sure if it is because of stressors or side effects of the pill (I am trying a new one) or if it is more abuse stuff that is unresolved or what.

[KIP.]

Hey Tiffany. I suspect it could be PTSD and would be worth a visit to a knowledgeable GP? I fought my way through the nightmare and when I felt I was past the danger that’s when the sting in the tail gets you. That’s when your brain has the time and headspace (which has been taken up trying to stay safe) to analyse the danger we have been in and that’s when PTSD can wreak havoc.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Tiffany,

I think this recovery journey we’re all on is very much a rollercoaster and you’re just going through a big dip at the moment, after making good progress for months. I didn’t really understand what people meant by rollercoaster at first until I noticed it very much described my own recovery – ie. it could be months of feeling positive then suddenly crushing depression for weeks, or one joyous day in amongst lots of bland nothingness days. It is really random and we can never quite predict how tomorrow we will feel.

I think you worked hard after you left and made a lot of progress quite quickly, so it’s to be expected you’d hit a wall at some point. Just listen to your body and your inner voice and if you just need to rest, relax, journal etc and not do much else then that’s ok. I was hit with a sudden dark depression and obsessive mourning for him randomly in January months after ending things and Victim support told me that I am grieving for the relationship I thought I had. I also think the grief hit me much after than it normally would after a breakup because I’d spent the initial months feeling terrified and reading about abuse and psychopathy, but it had to arrive at some point. I’ve felt slightly less depressed and obsessive the past few days and have been able to see him really clearly again without feeling too sad but I’m aware it may not last.

I think in the end, just remind yourself it’s ok to be going through a difficult patch, it’s not easy recovering from this. I watch a lot of abuse-recovery youtube videos and have recently started listening to related podcasts and find it all helps to feel less alone.

[Tiffany]

Thank you everyone for replying. I recently got a new car, which has caused a lot of stress, but now that it is taxed, insured, had it’s MOT etc it should make my life easier. I am very much looking forward to being able to make doctors appointments and go to them by myself rather than with my mother. She works in healthcare and is based at the surgery I go to (only one in the area). It’s not a huge deal, but I have been feeling like I have to justify why I am going to her and as she gets upset by my mental health issues I am been avoiding making appointments about them. I think now that I have freedom of movement I will go and talk things through with the GP – thanks KIP for giving me that nudge.

Thanks Jane for letting me know I am not alone.

And thanks SunshineRainflower for saying the words I needed to hear. I have been getting really angry with the anxiety, if that makes sense. Trying to fight it. When I read your words last night it was the first time in a long time that I just accepted the fear. It’s there. It’s an issue. But getting frustrated doesn’t help. I slept well for the first time in many days last night. Still woke up to the fear. But it is better than it was.

I maybe need to stop pushing myself for a bit. I have one last big push thing to do on Wednesday, and have probably stupidly agreed to meet a guy I met online this week too. But after that! Also actually the guy seems really nice, happy to pursue friendship to start with before we think about anything else. We’ve been texting for a couple of months. Never anything to make me uncomfortable. I know this doesn’t guarantee that he isn’t awful in real life, but he hasn’t been pushing any kind of I am your perfect man/aren’t we compatible line either. So no red flags at all. Biggest risk seems like either we don’t like each other in person, and as he lives about 8 villages away it’s not going to be a disaster if we don’t.

[Janedoeissad]

I totally get what you mean Tiffany. I could never have a bad day and if I did. It just seemed to be sucked in to his bad stuff. I could never be ill as that would “ruin our plans”.

I do miss when he appeared to be genuinely caring. Although I question a lot of the stuff he did now. Thing is, when I was with him I felt lonely and isolated. I remember telling myself “remember this feeling on the days you feel lonely when you’ve gone as you are lonely now anyway”. I never planned for missing the element of control almost. I miss him wanting me there all the time. No one wants me anywhere all the time now and that is fantastic but its taking a little getting used to. Its like you say, its the delusion I miss.

I do not feel any fear when I hear from my Ex. I know he won’t visit me or call me. I think he must have removed my number from his mobile as I’ve stopped getting voicemails when his phone accidentally called me. Any emails I get are about getting things sorted. He doesn’t make demands. If I had face to face contact I would be a mess but the contact I have is very manageable. I do not want to ever go back to the house either. As I hated going back for my stuff, I was terrified. However, getting everything resolved and moving on with help me no end I am sure.

I am starting to feel things are going my way again. He got me feeling that the world was a bad place and nothing ever went right. Since I’ve left everything has gone pretty well. And that is good enough for me right now. I think that’s the thing, I have come to accept “good enough” as a good place to be. When you leave I think you expect the words Amazing, brilliant and happiness to be used daily but I think you ultimately have to accept that some days will be good enough and even that’s better than a good day with your Ex.

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