Lonely

[Peaceful Pig]

I feel really sad today which is such a shame because I have felt so much better for the past week or so. I even told my counsellor last night how good I was feeling and back in control. I didn’t expect it to last forever but I feel so different again today. I’m really having to fight the negative messages in my mind. A friend was unhappy with me today because she seems to have felt I was not being thoughtful enough about what is happening for her. This is true because I have been so full up dealing with the divorce and my ex’s effects on the children that I’ve hardly seen anyone. I tried to talk honestly with her and apologised but she wasn’t being honest in return. I have found this really triggering and disappointing. Then I struggled with packing the children up to have contact with their dad, I was thinking out loud about whether they needed something and my son took it upon himself to’help’ by texting his dad to ask him about what they needed. I was horrified about being drawn into a conversation with him and now I’ve upset my son. I’m feeling a bit rubbish now. I’m so lonely and isolated due to my children’s ongoing suffering that I gave no social life whatsoever and have lost touch with friends because I have no time to be a decent friend. My ex is still restricting my life so much by abusing the children. I’m getting lonely. I need to find space and time to reconnect with friends but I can never guarantee the children will agree to go for contact so can’t plan anything. Even if they do go they text me constantly telling me how sad they are. I must find some fun before I crack up! Really needed to vent tonight xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi Peaceful Pig,

Just want to say I am the same and get triggered and feel awful if my friends are not ok with me. It brings me down too. Even ‘if they are off’ with me in small ways, it just affects me. I often don’t bring it to their attention and I just keep the hurt inside me and it affects me big time. I can’t help it.

Also with my children, if they are upset, I feel upset too. And I hate conflict with them or friends. It usually passes in a day or two, but I have to admit I get really affected by other people’s behaviours where they are either not happy with me or disapproving of me. I suppose we’re empathetic people.

(detail removed by Moderator) says that’s why the abusers choose us is because we are ‘Super-Empaths’. The abusers don’t get as much of a high from ‘normal ‘ people. They get a huge ‘high’ from us super big, kind-hearted, sensitive, empathetic people. Now that’s a good thing the way we are, but the trouble is we feel more acutely and we are affected more than normal-feeling people. We are super-feeling people. So don’t feel rubbish, you are a good, kind and ‘sensitive to others’ type of person. You should be proud of yourself. And a great mum to your children despite you being abused so badly by your parents. You chose not to repeat the pattern of abuse towards your children. You’re dealing with your pain by counselling instead of how some others deal with their pain of abuse, by hurting others. You are strong and courageous to have broken the pattern that has probably been handed down generations by your family (as mine was in my family), but its stops with you. You are not letting history repeat itself.

I can relate to feeling lonely and not finding the time and energy to build a life with friends and activities separate to work, childcare and housework. We have a lot on our plate not to mention dealing with the never-ending head wrecking tactics of our ex’s.

The first step with dealing with any problem is awareness (you have that now), then acceptance and then action. Small steps will take you in the right direction. The ‘loneliness situation’ won’t be solved overnight but will improve with the small actions taken overtime. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you are doing really well and keep maintaining your recovery and small steps on a daily basis will get you where you want to be.

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you so much LONC, I have a tendency to always assume that my reactions to people are because I am damaged/have attachment issues but perhaps it just my natural personality to be sensitive and empathetic and therefore something to feel good about. There is certainly a conditioned fear of disapproval though that I have to talk myself down from, telling myself it’s OK to make mistakes or disagree with people. I have achieved a lot of big things this year in terms of recovery. I need to continue to be kind and patient with myself. It is a long slow process. Sometimes I just wish for a mum or a best friend to be there to turn to, but I know I have to be that for myself. Thank you for understanding so well, it’s such a comfort xx

[Serenity]

Hi PP,

Be gentle with yourself: you’re still under construction.

Unfortunately, abuse takes so much out of us, and you have dealt with so much post separation, that you haven’t got the resources that you wish you had. Also, you’re doing what is most important: caring for yourself and your children first.

I have a friend who has gone through a terrible time which coincided with my terrible time. We’ve kind of got this unspoken agreement that – though we offer eachother some support- that our individual circumstances have meant that we haven’t always been able to be there for eachother. There’s no real resentment: it’s just how life has worked out. I don’t feel guilty about it, because I know that previously, I would have been 100% there. I am just not well enough in myself to be the hands-on person that so was in every situation. I’m still healing from a serious experience.

You’ve resssured your friend, but also, your friend should understand that you are not the fountain that she needs to rely upon for sustenance st this time. She needs to accept that you’ve not been in a great place.

I think people are so used to us being there for them, they protect when we aren’t our usual super-empathetic selves.

Remember concepts such as boundaries, self-compassion and not allowing people to make you feel less by making you feel guilty or beholden. You’ve had very good reasons to have been as you have x

[Serenity]

PS : I was reminded the other day of the quote, it takes a whole village to raise a child. It’s overwhelming and lonely trying to do it alone. Though I try to give my kids a comfortable and peaceful home, I’m trying to encourage them to connect with others too. I’m forever aware that my ex wanted to isolate us from other people, and I want my kids and I to eventually be reintegrated into life out there. Can you sign them up for activity where you pay weekly, so it won’t matter if you don’t know until the day of the kids can go? It will give you a bit of time out, plus give you peace of mind knowing they are connecting and developing skills.

You’re also feeling a bit shaken by this sudden contact with your ex. Be gentle with yourself. Make sure you aren’t letting the self-care go, such as the meditation or yoga.

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you Serenity for such a thoughtful response at that time of the morning! I agree, I am definitely still fragile so while I have some really good days, it doesn’t take a lot to shake me. As for my friend, I have been considering her response and I’m pretty disappointed in her reaction though it is good progress that I can see this and don’t take all the blame as I would have done previously. It’s not her usual self so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and put it down to her situation at the moment, but it has made me reconsider our friendship. It sounds harsh maybe, especially when I’ve lost so much and need friends, but I can’t afford to have people in my life who aren’t able to be honest so I will be more cautious about her now.
Yes that’s a good point about community. We have so little in the way of that having no extended family. I do ensure we see friends as much as we can. To be honest we’ve all been unwell for the past few weeks, the stress and exhaustion of their dad’s contact and the pressure he puts them under has got them run down so they’ve been missing their usual activities. It is tough and lonely parenting alone even without autism and abuse in the mix.
I don’t know what I’d do without this forum, thank you 😊 x

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