Long for him and want to not wake up in the morning

[puzzledatlife]

It is helpful to hear things called their name. The helpline has been very helpful. They told me I have been in a shock and am in a trauma, due to his emotional abuse.
I thought he was the most wonderful man…yes, complicated, extremely complicated background with his ex families but I believed him when he said I was the love of his life. Then one day he announced he would go. Dismantled the whole house while I was away for the weekend. Reconciled, decided we could not be apart and we would continue to be together even not living together; re-planning marriage. I miss seeing the children. I miss what we have created together. Given his extremely complex relationships with the mothers of his kids I thought it was for the best to not live together. But still…talking about marriage, organising xmas together, all the special moments together. Then disappeared again, again telling me best we part over a text message. I cannot see the kids that I have raised because I am nothing to them. His kids had lots of health probs and I did god knows how many nights up for them; cared as mine. I cannot see him or them. I know he has been awful, to take everything away twice in a few months without even the decency to talk with me and with the kids. I know this is awful. I know I would have never done that to him. I know I am not perfect and I have my responsibilities if he was not happy, but still I would have never walked away bringing away kids he was attached to and dismantled a house taking advantage of his absence. I would have never done that to him or the kids, his or mine. I know when he says that ‘this is because he loved me too much to talk’ this is nonsense. I know this is a strange way of loving – if this is love, what is hatred then? I know. And yet I miss him so, so much that it is unbearable. Even the love for my own child and for my family isn’t enough. I know my child loves me but I think would be much better off without me. He is safer as he is now, with my mom and my sister and my family in my country. I am here in england, have lots of loving friends, a great career, a wonderful home, and nothing matters because I miss what for me was my family, I feel stabbed a million times and I try, I try very hard to get through the days. I have tried and failed 3 or 4 times to take my life and having failed I am trying to talk to people, get support, get help, but nothing seems to work. I know I have never been this way, I know this does not belong to me. I know that my ex has had 3 families, and all of us have either attempted or being seriously suicidal. I know this is sinister in itself and it makes me shiver as I write it. The helpline tells me I have had ‘a lucky escape’, but I miss him, just miss him, enormously, deeply, miss him, the kids, his mom, his brother, wife, relatives, his loving side…I miss everything. I don’t know how to survive. It is too much pain to bear.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there Puzzledatlife,

I am glad to hear that you did not succeed in taking your own life, it is extremely painful recovering from abuse like this but if you keep going, it won’t always be this painful. I am very sorry to hear of what you have gone through and the pain that you are now in.

It sounds like you are deeply trauma bonded to him, if you look this up in google along with (detail removed by moderator) it should explain it further. It’s almost like being addicted to heroin – the intermittent reinforcement abusers use creates a dependency in us for their approval and validation so when they discard us, the pain is unbearable, like going cold turkey for a heroin addict.

I felt similar to you after I ended things with my ex, he was dangerous and I was scared of him but I longed and craved for him like nothing I’d ever experienced before. In a way my fear saved me because he would probably have injured me if I had returned to him. Each time the pain washed over me, I cried and cried and hugged pillows until I felt at peace again.

Can you connect to your intuition, your inner voice? It is what keeps me going through the darkest hour. I feel quite similar to you at the moment, because I am realising that my family is also abusive which is incredibly painful. We have to go through a mourning period, mourn what we thought we had, what we so desperately want, to get to the other side. Meditation might help. You could try it with the help of a youtube video or just sit quietly on a comfortable cushion and listen to your breath for a few minutes. Journaling also helps to get all of this out, as does painting or any form of art therapy. Sometimes I write poems too which I’ve never done before. Could you try one of these outlets tomorrow? It sounds like you have an enormous amount of pain, understandably, for what he has put you through. Creative outlets can help you channel and heal it. In the end we have to feel the pain, let it wash over us, cry buckets if that is what feels right, to get through it.

Keep posting on here for support, read other posts, read up on abuse, there are some really good youtube channels too which have helped me hugely over the past year run by people who are either therapists or who have experienced and healed from abuse and now help others. Keep going, it will get better. xx

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Puzzledatlife,
So sorry you’re hurting so much and missing the nice side of your relationship. The only way I can deal with it is to keep reminding myself of the worst side and ask myself if I want to carry on with that and worse. It’s hard for you because you’ve had no say in the matter and it has been a very sudden and unexpected end. Keep reminding yourself that your child needs you, that’s what got me through my suicidal thoughts. I had to keep going for him. I had brought him into the world, it was my responsibility to love, protect and care for him. I didn’t have the same situation, my husband was still there. He just showed me the other side of him, he refused to help care for our son, do anything in the house, he just continued living a bachelor life with all the perks of marriage. He took none of the responsibilities of being a husband or father other than paying the bills and demanding sex. I mourned the loss of the man I thought I married, hated the selfish monster he became, always getting drunk and abusive when I said I was to exhausted to have sex. He blamed it all on me of course, but the reason I was pushing him away was because he refused to lift a finger to help. The reason I was so exhausted was because he refused to get up with our son at night and take his turn. I went days without sleep sometimes, then when I finally got a chance to rest he would start demanding sex. I know it’s not the same as your situation, but I can identify with your missing the image they build, needing that mans help and support, but mostly his love at a time when I so desperately needed him. I also suspected he was seeing someone else and he was never around. I know that feeling of desperation and helplessness and feeling like I couldn’t go on without him. I know that feeling of not wanting to wake up and have to face another day, deal with the pain of realising I wasn’t with the loving man I thought I married. Focusing on my son and having counselling got me through it and I vowed I would never again let him make me feel so desperate, so low I couldn’t see a single spark of light, of hope. There have been lots more low points, but never as bad as that time. I won’t let him destroy me, you mustn’t either. These men only care about themselves, they don’t care about us or they wouldn’t treat us as they do. As you said, you wouldn’t dream of treating him like that because you care. That’s why they select us, because they know that we are loving, caring, giving souls. Their ‘love’ is toxic, it drains the life out of us until we’re empty, broken shells. You mustn’t let him do that to you. Stay strong, the longing will pass slowly, you just need to distract yourself and pour your love into your child, yourself and family and friends who deserve your love. He doesn’t deserve it. Give your love to someone who does. Hugs

[Fuzzyfelt]

I hope you are feeling stronger today. I totally understand how you feel but it is gradually getting better with no contact. It’s all addiction and they are our heroin.

[Author]

Posts