Long time no see and some advice pls

[Doglover99]

Hello all. Well, I have been very quiet on here for the last few months adjusting to my new life without our abuser. Things have been going great. I still struggle financially but am trying to find ways around it. I feel free, happy, relaxed, calm, peaceful… Leaving was the best thing I could have done. People have asked if I miss him and my definite answer has always been not one little bit. My friends have commented how it’s lovely to see me return to my old self. I hadn’t realised until I got out how much I had changed. I had had to change in order to survive.

I did the Freedom programme which was a real eye opener and very helpful and now I’m on the follow-up Recovery programme and very much enjoying it. I would thoroughly recommend it to everyone once they are out of their bad situation.

I am volunteering with a local animal sanctuary and I have also joined a local meet-up group in order to hopefully make some new friends and have a bit of a social life. Although I am happy being at home on my own, I realise it can be a dangerous thing to get used to so I made a conscious effort to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. So far so good and I have booked myself to a few “outings” over the next few weeks and months. I have absolutely no wish at all to meet a new man although interestingly romantic films seem to make me happy at the moment, a happy ending and all that.

My son is doing so much better. He is still angry but he is now able to have friends over at our home. I managed to get him to sit most of his important exams and he just finished the last one. I know how difficult and stressful it was for him and I’m very proud of him, regardless of how he has done. He went in there and sat the exams, that’s the main thing.

I haven’t seen my husband or spoken with him since I left. He found a new woman in less than a month and has made a point of posting it all on social media. I’m only on his friends list still because it is useful for me to know what he’s up to at the moment. He has now sent me an email saying he wants to get divorce asap. I’m worried he is going to twist everything in his favour and need some advice please.

We didn’t have any joint finances or own any property together and don’t have children together so it should be fairly straight forward. But I am worried that he’s going to turn difficult and demand things from me. I have nothing, no spare money at all. He has the deposit from our rented house in which he still lives, all the furniture, several vehicles and just well lots of stuff. Should I walk away with nothing and draw a line over it all? I’m going to CAB this afternoon for advice. I think I need a solicitor but can’t afford one. I think I could probably prove domestic violence in order to get a legal aid solicitor but how long would that take and what proof do they need? I have no police reports except the general statement I made last year which did come with a crime reference number. I have had counselling through NHS so my GP might be able to write a letter confirming I have had treatment due to dv. Social services/Early Help etc have been involved too.

Any advice ladies? What has been your experience with legal aid, divorce, finances etc? I don’t trust him. He is so devious where money is concerned and he’s good at hiding it. I have no idea what to expect until the papers land with me. He does have his new woman though so I would have thought he wants it done quickly.

PS. He’s talking of our years together as “wasted” years… well whose fault is that! Pathetic.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Doglover, I have to be quick as at work as not meant to be messaging. Take a look at Aliceinchains & Escaped not free recent posts, they are similar to yours and might help. I will read properly later. XXXX

[Healthyarchive]

Sorry DogLover I’ve just had a chance to read your post properly, I think I gave you the wrong advice earlier. Well done re your positive, new & happy life. I am similar to you, single no kids, now broken away from the horrible ex and feeling happier. I hope you work it out re the finances, I’m sure you will get the advice from here. X*X

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I have no advice lovely but just wanted to say it’s lovely to see you back again and so much stronger, and in a much better place 🙂
As he wants a quickie divorce, would he just agree to your terms as it would benefit him? :/
CAB is definitely a good bet hun.

Hopefully someone will have some helpful advice soon – I just wanted to send a hug! 🙂 xx

[Anonymous]

Hello Doglover,

How lovely to hear that you are all doing so well, so nice to read such a positive post. I personally would get some advice from the CAB before agreeing to let him have everything especially if money is that short. Well done on getting out and I hope life continues to be happy and positive xx

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Nice to hear from u, go and see cab and get your 30 min free from solicitor, go to few , always lookinto if u r entitiled to legal aid, they are always changing the rules so get checked out, u can also approach a refugee and ask to speak to a support worker who can guide u to there solicitor to for free 30 min, mine gave me 45 min -1hour which was really nice of her. If u earning less than 7,000 u might be able to get dv, they do have certain criteria but like i said find out, its good his applied as he will have to pay the court fee for the divorce so thats one bonus, just get whatever evidence u have noted and take with u when u meet solicitor. Godd luck hun

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover – how brilliant to hear from you after all this time. I have often thought of you, and I did message you a few weeks back to see if you were OK.

How BRILLIANT to hear you are doing so well – I’m SO pleased for you. I can honestly say that I too do not miss my ex in the least – and like you – parts of our life is good, and we are so much happier, and life is so much more peaceful and relaxed – but I still feel I have a long way to go…….

I have persevered with my volunteering too. And have done 3 events with them now.

I have come to see too my only way forward is to seek out some counselling too – and I have been looking in to it.

Im not talking to my ex just now either – last week I opened my bank statement to find my ex is only paying half maintenance of what he was giving me as of (detail removed by Moderator) ……..he never said he was cutting it – I only just find out – So Im £(detail removed by Moderator) a month worse off AGAIN (that might not be a lot o’ money to some folk – bit its a HUGE amount to me) – I just cant keep on like this……..Im living on less and less money…..

I knew when I left him things would be tough and it would be easy – bit it just gets worse and worse……..I could just about manage while my daughter was at school as I got more tax credits and more child benefit – but when she left school I lost all that fur her – and now Im lost her maintenance money now too………..

Im well P’d off with my ex – at the very least he could of TOLD me he was doing this and discussed it with me – but he just went ahead and cut it with no word at all…….

Im thinking now Im just going to have to ask my daughter for some ‘keep money’ – do you think £25 a week is too much or too little?
I just cant cope with loosing yet another £(detail removed by Moderator), money was tight as it was and now this too…….

He now pays me £(detail removed by Moderator) per week in total – that’s all……..I didn’t expect nor want to be on my own at this time in my life with 2 kids to support ……but because of how he treated is all and what he did to me, I was left with no choice but leave him – and now all he pays towards their keep is £(detail removed by Moderator) a week ……

At the moment I just don’t know how to handle this money situation – because he has not bothered to warn me and explain his reasons, then I have no idea WHY he has done this – hes possibly taken offence at something – and decided to ’punish’ me by withdrawing money – or maybe it IS just because our daughter is leaving college now – but could he not have said that – could he not just have said well seeing as to how she is leaving college, then that’s all Im giving you for her – BUT what he conveniently forgets is that for the first year after I left him he gave me NO MONEY at all – it took me a year to get maintenance money out of him – and even then he didn’t offer to backdate it – on no – that was never mentioned – so if I wanted to make fuss I could ask for that year he never paid me – but I just feel I cant ever win with him – especially where money is concerned – its money that matters to him – and keeping the house to himself, and keeping as much money as he can for himself – so when it comes to money he will fight me tooth and nail – and I just cant be bothered with the fight – you know what he can keep his dirty, filthy cash and I hope hes happy with it – they are a VERY materialistic family his lot – money, nice cars, a nice house and nice possessions are all that matter to his lot …….I dont give a jot for all of that -I just want enough to survive…….

I really have no idea why the payments have stopped – I got such a shock – all out he blue, without warning and that was it half the money gone……He has always treated our daughter the same, even though she wont see him, talk to him, or be anywhere near him – he still gave her for her birthday and Xmas even though the rest of his family chose not to – but I guess now he feels hes done his bit – paid enough and its time for her to stand on her own two feet.
Well what if I said the same – what if I said to her right as of now I want you paying for half of the food, petrol, rent, electric, internet, council tax, etc – she just cant afford that just yet (and I as her mother would not expect her to pay for all that, not until she has got herself a better paid job) – so I know £25 a week is no ways near as much as I would NEED from her – but at least its making up for what her father has stopped giving me.

The thing is – I know one day they will get decent paid jobs and will be able to help me out – BUT I also know that they will one day leave home and then I will be back to square one again – I know I cant be selfish and want them to say – they have to get their freedom – and they will find partners, fall in love and move out – but I will be alone then, and I hate to think of that day – me mam has been alone for (detail removed by Moderator) years since my sister left home – and she gets up everyday to an empty house – has lunch alone, has tea alone and goes to bed alone – I don’t want my life to be like that………

I have not yet asked him for my share of the family home – he said he cant afford to pay me out until he stops paying maintenance and then he needs to tak out a loan to pay me what he is due me – BUT we had a housing association house and we just owned a (detail removed by Moderator) share in in – and so then I would only get half of that (detail removed by Moderator) – so I wont get much – at the end of the day all I will have will have just about enough to get me a decent second hand car – and then its gone – all Id have for (detail removed by Moderator) years with that man…….
If I was to demand I get it now then Id just end up living off of it, and use it to pay bills and then its all gone – so until I can find a way to make more money then Im stuck like this.

Got to go now, but great to hear how you are doing.

🙂 x*x 🙂

[Ayanna]

Hi, good to read from you and that you are doing better.
Can you take pictures of his vehicles? That would be helpful for the financial order.
Do you have any bills or pictures of your furniture and other belongings that are still in the old house?
The length of the marriage is of importance in a financial order.
Ask Rights of Women too for advice.

[Doglover99]

Hi and thanks for your replies. M.U.M., sorry I didn’t get your message because I haven’t logged on in a while. I feel that I am now so much stronger and ready to (maybe) start giving some advice to others on here.

The CAB advice was to wait until the divorce papers arrive and then get a solicitor. She said I would be entitled to legal aid because the health and social professionals have been involved and I can get a letter from several of them. It should be fairly straight forward unless he starts demanding money from me. His family did pay for some of my car repairs years ago for instance but they offered, I didn’t ask, and it’s such a long time ago, I’m sure the courts will laugh if he tries that. Anyway, let’s wait and see what he “wants”. I thought it might be useful also to properly write down all the incidents over the years. I wrote them all down in my journal last year and it’s pages and pages of detailed incidents with dates. If he turns difficult, I can maybe refer to that. It’s not too late to get the police involved although I don’t really want to.

As to money, I have managed to scrape by but each month it gets a little worse. My mum has sent me some to help me but she’s living on her pension so she can’t help much. To top it all, my car failed the MOT and I was desperate so I went to see Mr Bank Manager and managed to sort something out for the time being with them. At least the pressure if off for a little while but I do need to urgently find a second income. It’s difficult though because I can’t take a second job because I would lose my benefits. Oh how difficult it is to be poor! I may start looking for a new job but I need to earn x amount for it to be worth it because I will lose all the benefits. Not easy to find such a job locally.

M.U.M. my advice with regards to your daughter is that if she’s working, she should pay something towards her keep. That is definitely what I’m going to do when my son goes to work. Like you say, it all helps.

I seem to have this steely determination inside now. Rather than panic when faced with problems, I take a deep breath and tell myself to find a solution. Take it one step at a time and so far I have sorted everything thrown my way. I am definitely a more positive person as a result of everything. Everything seemed so doom and gloom last year but now everything looks bright. Only positive things ahead for me now and whatever I decide to do, it is MY choice now. I really couldn’t be happier. I am quite happy being on my own, I am getting out and about every week. I am seeing my friends more often and aim to make new friends too. An interesting things I have also discovered, I can talk to strangers now where I used to be so shy that I wouldn’t know how to do “chit chat”. Now I find myself chatting to taxi drivers, bar people, car mechanics, bank and shop staff without problems. Strange that. Maybe it’s my newly found confidence and freedom.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

PS. I don’t know why half of this post is red underlined. Sorry.

[mixed-up mum]

Just thinking of you today and wondering how things are with you now??

x*x

[Author]

Posts