Longer term worries

[orangefrog]

I left some months ago and am getting stronger every day. Lundy Bancroft’s book and this forum have been key to helping me stay away – thank you! Divorce proceedings have started and he can only contact me via email or my solicitor.

Yet still, I am frustrated he has control over me – he hasn’t seen our baby for many many weeks now and I feel guilty about this. I know he will be telling family and friends that I have left him and am stopping him see the baby (I haven’t stopped him). He’ll be very comfortable in the victim role. In the meantime, I’m on edge when the doorbell or house phone rings and I’m scared to open my emails. The people I live with are also on edge.

The bit that really grates is that I removed our child from an abusive environment where many services were involved, yet in the long term I will have to send the baby back without my supervision. I’m sure many of you will be experiencing this. It just doesn’t seem to add up. Abusers don’t change and they manage to secure new relationships and display the same abusive behaviours. Am I missing something? He has maintained that he wants 50% custody in the long run (which feels like a threat). Will these periods where he doesn’t see the baby or ask after the baby affect the outcome of custody? Will his behaviour towards me be considered? I know every case is different and I’m not sure how much can be disclosed on here. I’m taking it day by day, but these longer term worries are there in the background. I’d love to hear from others who are working through this or have been through this.

[KIP.]

Keep a journal of his behaviour and begin building a case against contact. Get support from your local woman’s aid and think about a non molestation order in the meantime to prevent any direct contact. It’s upto him to seek access via correct channels and it’s obvious he’s not doing this. It’s hard not to worry about the future so try to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness will ground you in the present because thinking about the past can be depressing and the future will cause anxiety so try to live in the here and now for your mental health x gather a support network around you. His demand of 50% is a threat in his eyes. Could he actually cope with that amount of access? Practically?

[orangefrog]

Thank you KIP – your posts are always so helpful. I am keeping a journal. You’re absolutely right about mindfulness and I shall try to practice it more often. I wonder whether this time where he isn’t in touch is actually the easier bit or the calm before the storm and there’s no harm trying to enjoy it.

He wouldn’t cope with 50%, especially with such a young child, but I know
his Mum would be keen to help him. She’s also manipulated by him and his Dad. The longer he doesn’t see the child the less comfortable I am with him looking after them.

I keep spending time trying to guess his next move, but I need to stop that and concentrate on being in the moment with my little one.

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