Lonliness

[Woke up]

I know I have posted lots of topics on here but it is the only outlet I have right now where people seem to understand what I am going through.I have made plans and working on moving away and starting again I had drug and alcohol problems that spiralled out of control with him,usually after I was used and dumped on an almost weekle basis for years where he would come in take control give me a purpose and fees me what I needed to hear and if things didn’t go his way or in said the wrong thing or even tried to even talk about him and his issues like his drinking and the fact he had made no real attempt to make money and he never paid me back,I used to resent him paying back his mates even in instalments but never ever me . I am thinking I stayed because I invested so much but I never got back,I don’t know why I stayed but every thing in my life was about him.I have has no contact with him after the last night he ripped my hair out and I went crazy.everyone says good now you can start again,good riddance to bad rubbish etc but it was so sudden and even after I never really believed he left and has fine for good I am in shock and woke up to relies I have also got no friends !! I felt comfortable with him I shared my money life soul body just with him for many years and now it’s empty. I want him back sometimes and cry for hour’s he has left such. A void. But the reality is he took everything he manipulated me he used me and when things didn’t go as he wanted them would say its over and carry on drinking smoking weed and then come back.he always came back!! And now this time he hasn’t .he just asked for money I gave him (detail removed by moderator). I gave him everything and even after I flip out and defend myself I still thought he would come back but its almost a month and a half and nothing. He hates me and it hurts because he caused this situation. That night I lost it and hurt him he was so violent and the language was so full of hate I couldn’t take it anymore and seen red but its almost like I feel ,well he has done this 100s of times I have suffered broken bones hair loss to the point I had to have it all cut off so shor as I looked like I had alopecia with his rage attacks ,I mean the guy stamped on my face (detail removed by moderator) and I feel spiritually raped.I didn’t want that in my life!! I kept giving and trying till I lost it in the end but now he’s gone I can’t believe it!! But also I have no friends he was my world we were like Siamese twins because I drive and he doesn’t everywhere we went and everything we did I drove us and now I have nobody or anything to do I feel scares going into town and I never really had a huge amount if friends but the Ines we made together I have to let go of and I am traumatized and lonely without him to my core even tho I know he was unreliable angry controlling a lier manipulative beyond even my wildest dreams!!! How will I ever heal and meet new people I have been forced to reevaluate my life and everyone in it because after he has gone.I just realised I was living in his world his planet I was only existing for him and now it has all ended. Will my confidence ever return and I ever going to meet a new man and not be obsessing over him secretly (detail removed by moderator) I am so scared now I am going to be a lonely old lady with no one just fixated on him for the rest of my life became after (detail removed by moderator)years if complete madness violence chaos and lies I can’t go back,if I did it will be worse than before because I will have to prove myself etc and I want a new life new friends because when he left I realise how empty life was in our world.

[KIP.]

Hey, I remember the pain you’re going through and I can tell you that it will pass. You only miss the good him. Who wasn’t real. The real him was a nasty con man. The first few months are horrendous. It’s like withdrawing from an addiction. It’s made worse because like you say our lives revolved around them. Keeping them happy, not least to avoid an attack. Even when we were not with them our minds were trying to keep one step ahead to avoid the next attack. So it’s going to feel painful, lonely, desperate, but you will get through this. Once your self confidence and self esteem return, you will make new friends and re kindle old friendships with family and old friends. Meantime just be kind to yourself and take baby steps. Try to visit your GP and get some councelling. Stay away from social media or anyone who has contact with him x

[Woke up]

I hope so x leaving him has ment leaving most of my friends as they were mutual. I have never felt such loss before trying desperately to move and it looks likely I will in the next month and a half and also getting rehoused afterwards but right now I live with just his ghost and nothing but emotional memories .the only way for me is to leave and live by myself somewhere else .just shope his ghost won’t haunt me forever and I can’t find love again or take these issues with me.I did truly love him but every body tells me it isn’t love, if it wasn’t love then what was it?? I am starting to blame myself now and thought of sorting myself out and maybe he come back etc but its insane.if I built a new life he would just wreck it,he wrecked anything I had. It just feels like he rampaged through my life and then chucked me away like a used tissue and now I have no friends ams noono one je would want to be my friend because I have a ghost living with me. (detail removed by moderator).I feel like I am conditioned ro wait now like a trained dog so this lack of closure with all the why’s and why did he beat me so much and why did he call me those names I have to keep the baggage .I will just keep on trying to Carey on day by day but its painful and there is no magic spell . very confused and alone with what if and feel like I have lost a limb.but deep down I didn’t want to be put down and hurt let down all of it that’s not who I want to be with and a fresh start should be exciting and I am trying but it still hurts

[Annefantastic]

This sounds familiar to me. Its a process. First you must cut contact with him and social media links etc. Get some support. Local Womens aid are great. There are often twice weekly drop ins after initial visit. You will find support there even friends. Next is to ’embrace the uncomfortable’.. the old relaitonship felt comfortable. You have to embrace a new life that feels compeltely uncomforable until it becomes comfortable. A healthier life. You can honour the love you felt and the joys were created by you .. and you own them. This new life .. another chance. . later you will see that you can invite good things into your life.. keep up the excercise and stuff that is good for you. Write daily.. a journal. Keep a list of the triggers that upset you daily and have a mantra to replace the bad feelings with ‘unfamiliar’ – but healthy ones.. I wish myself and the people around me well.. The universe has good things for me. I am grateful for life today.. be in the moment .step back and notice yourself and the trees .. things around you. When the triggers come.. stop .. breath.. and chose the unfamiliar healthy response. . say it out loud to yourself.. .. get 5 hugs a day if you can from female friends, your kids etc. If you get into grief and hurt only allow yourself a time limit .. 10 mins.. then run dance, write and be grateful for life and small things.. hugs to you sister

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