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Been thinking about posting this for a while but kept talking myself out of it. I’d really appreciate some tips on how to deal with an ongoing situation with my ex & childcare.
He has our shared child one day every weekend, a few hours max. He’s unreliable and I never know what time he’ll arrive, or if he’ll come as he’ll happily cancel last minute. He has an older child too who he has at the same time. I live with this unknown timetable – picking my battles and trying to fit in around it, like booking a midweek break to avoid weekends and his time.
A few months ago he stopped paying maintenance for our child, he’s full of empty promises about he’ll pay me tomorrow etc, while the other ex is paid on time every week without fail. He also takes the other child out regularly and their siblings (not his) individually – sees them more than our child. He’s never had our child alone – why?! Again I pick my battles and enjoy the extra time I get with our child.
But (sorry this is so long), I’m struggling with two things:
1. When he has our shared child he leaves him to be cared for by the older child. That child is still in primary and very immature. I’ve also witnessed multiple occasions of that child purposely hurting or taking things off my child – always when his dad isn’t looking. (detail removed by moderator)
2. He’s announced he’s going to start having our child one night in the week overnight. Again, no choice or discussion on what works best. I believe this is because I recently took us all on a midweek break and by having him it’ll be a control thing to stop me doing that without him knowing my plans, (detail removed by moderator) I’m not comfortable with that. On top of this he’s a big drinker, and his house stinks of weed.
Am I overthinking? When I try to talk to someone they don’t get the abuse element and that we can’t have rational conversations with these people. I’m hoping he flakes on the overnight as he struggles with a few hours in the day, but I know that’s not a reliable solution. What else can I do?
Our child had an injury a while back which had to be rested. (detail removed by moderator). I don’t want to be obstructive or cause fights but my child’s safety is paramount and this is causing me sleepless nights. Thanks for reading and any ideas x
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Hello,
Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. A lot of abusive men use child contact in this way, as you mentioned its about control for him. You are right in saying you cannot have rational conversations with him. You know what is best for your child and you have a right to set your boundaries- if you are worried for your childs safety I would encourage you to seek further support around that as well.
You could contact NSPCC on 0808 800 500 to discuss your concerns around your childs welfare and you could contact Rights of Women for legal advice around child arrangements.
Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes
Lisa
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