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Hi
Out with hubby and kids, young girl walks past hubby looks at boobs and bum, my grown up son noticed either hubby looking or the girl.
Now I’m learning my feelings are valid and count. So I say his actions were hurtful and not to disrespect me again like that.
I’ve always thought it was me I’m insecure and have a problem. So usually suck it up and cry later I’ve been like this when things are difficult in my relationships and previous relationships have been abusive.
Anyway, he admits it. Goes quiet we barely speak. I hurt as I feel he could’ve laughed it off reassured me, but instead he is hurt.
He then says (detail removed by moderator).
No reassurance it’s him being attacked. So, I say (detail removed by moderator). I put my arms around him, not to patronise him but to show him how I want him to hold me, I talk him through it, it sounds patronising but I’m desperate for him to understand.
To be honest he should’ve done it straight away, I think. He knew he did it and he should’ve instinctively reassured me or placed himself back with me, am I right?
I’m feeling by being stronger and insisting I am right rather than going with what he says I feel like I’m being abusive.
Anyway I stuck to my guns he did cuddle me and he did say what I needed to hear, but it took him a while and I’m still not convinced that he’s genuine, that he felt under stack, he said I was patronising him.
(Detail removed by moderator).
What are your thoughts x
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Hi,
This reminded me of a similar situation I found myself in, in the early days with my ex. It’s not an identical situation but similar. After I dared ask him about the girl I ended up being completely ignored for nearly a week and then dealing with his stroppyness for a while after. Needless to say I never challenged him again so I guess his tactic worked. He also continued to mention it in future disagreements as an example of me being emotional and unreasonable.
All I can say is I wasn’t imagining it and
it knocked my trust in him. -
This was such a big theme with my ex, but he would go much further than just look. He would tell me to imagine him doing various sexual things with these other women. Then he would twist it into “you are so insecure, you should trust me” and he then flat out forbade me to ever ask if he was actually interested in these other women he would either praise or tell me he wanted to have sex with. And somehow, it worked. If I broke the rule, there would be serious consequences.
(Detail removed by moderator).
I applaud you for having it in you to stick to your gut. I’m sorry you had to work for the reassurance, but please don’t think you are crazy and whatever else he might blame it on. The fault is with him. I get what you mean when you say you feel you are abusive, but really you are just explaining a boundary that for most people doesn’t require any explaining.
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I’ve got different perspective. These men are all about drama and hurt. He knows very well this will upset you and that’s his purpose in life. To undermine you and remove any shred of self confidence you have. To chip away at your self esteem until there’s not much left of the oroginal person you were before you met him. If it wasn’t looking at women, he would just change the goal posts and find another way to destroy your confidence. It’s just what they do. Challenging him plays right into his hands because then he twists your response right round into its you with the problem and he’s the victim. It’s mind blowing crazy making behaviour and it won’t stop. His confidence will grow while yours disappears. I lived this behaviour formdecadesmand it drove me to suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression. Take a step back and think about how his behaviour has changed.have a look at n**********c behaviour and see if he fits.
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i agree with the later _ ive had this in all 2 of my relationships. its overt oggling – and its disrespectful. sometimes i would just say on you go then and laugh – or i would tell my self oh well then he can be another womans problem! that was my way of dealing with. i was also unfaithful back. looking back i was wrong but i was young. i wouldny do that now but i would walk away. what he is doing is triangulation this is an ego boost for him nothing else xx its horrible for you and also pathetic on there part xxxx
much love diymum
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Thanks for the kind messages (detail removed by moderator).
(Detail removed by moderator). He’s so negative and gets so uptight I sometimes pretend I’m just listening and disassociate from his words but then he says well your not commenting, I must be in a mood, so I can’t win and this leads to more negativity.
It’s hard to be with someone who criticises and can’t deal with stress. Can’t deal with emotions and then wants to cuddle on their terms, which then turns into a grope.
So when he says it’s emotional every day, I wonder why?
Sorry needed to vent, feeling trapped atm x
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Sorry but this is crude but it helped me understand abusers. We each carry a bucket. Abusers like to dump all their sh.t in our bucket. Leaving their bucket light empty and easy to carry. While we drag around their stinking sh.t which makes us ill and we struggle daily. My ex dumped in my bucket for years. Breaking my back. All his c****y negativity was dumped in mine and he thrived on it. Does that make sense?
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I totally relate to this KIP that’s a great way to explain it.
It’s problem after problem, drugs, drink, more drugs and the behaviour that goes with it, (detail removed by moderator), what women can trust a man when the company he is keeping, the excitement they have about going, guessing what it may involve? Luckily he didn’t go but I was in the fog house OMg. And yes I have been the place he dumps it all. Work pressures he has and everything else.
I’m still playing it down, I’ve searched the internet and some say his behaviour with other women, even just looking is a form of cheating, it depends how it’s done I guess. But it’s the history behind this that adds to the hurt, he’s not cheated as far as I know but flirted embarrassing for me at parties and family gatherings, why do any of us put up with it? I guess it’s because of me nice guy who is there sometime, kids and being too Understanding making excuses I guess. Hoping things will be alright eventually.
Sorry to rant, it really is helping posting x
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It’s never in your head. That’s what he wants you to think and how they keep us confused. It’s a shame your son has to witness that behaviour. It’s good that he knows it’s wrong but I wonder what other behaviour he will have seen. Stay strong and keep setting a good example for your children. They don’t have to let anyone in a relationship disrespect them. It’s not nice and it’s painful and dysfunctional.
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KIP he’s always been on the receiving end and moved out before he should’ve done because he had to. He’s not my husband child.
Husband doesn’t like his step son, my eldest. It’s stressful for everyone. I think he’d rather my son wasn’t there completely from our lives.
My youngest know too, what dads like but he’s trying very hard to get along with them, it’s working. I’m trying hard to keep up with the change in dynamics. From them keeping distance from dad saying he should go to now slowly getting close to him again.
My eldest at home was in a terrible emotional state when they thought their dad was leaving. Only a month or so ago, they’re school visited us offering support of his emotional abuse. I’m waiting for counselling from WA and GP.
I can’t get him to go, without getting my head straight and I’m not sure how the kids will cope as they love their dad. Just they hate how he has been, desperate for him to change towards them and they hate seeing how he is towards me.
I’ve tried to get him to go about 4 tines or so, I’m just too weak and unsure of myself that I will be the one taking the kids from their father, that it is wrong? They love their dad despite everything. And how I will cope with the 4 kids, their addition needs and the diy and gardening etc.
I’m guessing I’m just not ready? Just confused, don’t want to hurt kids by staying and don’t want to hurt them by leaving.
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Yes it feels like a huge step. Abusers slowly make us solely dependent on them making it even more difficult to leave. It’s much better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. I hope you find the strength one day to free yourself. Your children deserve a happy exciting vivacious confident mum. And you deserve to be that person without an abuser stunting your growth. Just keep taking baby steps and reaching out for outside help. Try to get a good support network away from him x
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