Looking for resources

[Chocolatebunnie]

Sorry this is a long one.

Various support is helping me understand and see even clearer.

I finally do except all the abuse, there’s only on area left that he doesn’t do, he’s not violent. That’s what I originally thought was the only type of abuse.

There was a example of physical abuse, the cycle and included flowers as a result of the incident. Although I am not physically hurt, he did hurt me by withholding compassion, support and avoiding any care when I was feeling very unwell and upset. I thought I wa seriously unwell. He bought flowers after ignoring me crying when I was frightened about my health,(removed by moderator). He bought me flowers as I told him how hurtful this was. After this he now will not allow me to be upset if he doesn’t show he cares when I need it, if I get upset from his lack of empathy or support he gets annoyed tells me ‘removed by moderator)’ he is nasty. When you are seriously worried for your health, it’s not unreasonable to react as I have.

It’s not a only incident regards my health, I was I’ll during pregnancy and he let me drive myself to hospital, I almost passed out at the wheel. I told hi, this but he never acknowledges things or remembers which isn’t normal. Another time after giving birth and needing to be taken back to hospital as unwell again, When I came out of hospital he claimed it was all about me and what about him? Classic hey?

This is just one small thing. I’m am very aware how I block things out, dumb it down or still missing the things that are abuse. I would like some resources to help me deal with this and start to face things more, I know it’s survival mode but I need to start dealing with this. It’s more the disassociation I’m thinking about.

I have also realised he has isolated me. I have one friend who he obviously doesn’t like much. However she is a hard person, no empathy and is very angry at the world just bitter. She is not a true friend, not there for me never a hug, tissue or shoulder to cry on I have nobody. I am feeling very lonely and suddenly acknowledged this.

Why have I chosen these people why do I not have the love that’s within me returned, why do I always appear to have these people in my life and how do I meet genuine people I can form friendships with that mean something and are healthy.

It’s always been this way, I am being assessed for (removed by moderator) so this maybe something to add to this all, but I want real relationships, people just seem to not like me I have no confidence. Or they use me.

I can’t invite anyone to my home as it’s disorganised and in disrepair I blame him for some of this, he never finishes diy starts it but then …… but also my heads been a mess because of our marriage, the abuse, the many kids we have take my time and some are autistic with mental health issues.

I just wish I could meet people who are genuine, kind and except me, for who I am.

I need to like me but every time I start to I get beaten back by someone anyone as I think they don’t like me, that I have upset them or I’m not good enough.

I guess this is the result of a lifetime of living this way, where do I start.

[Bananaboat]

Start by learning who you are. I know you’re still in your relationship but when I left it shocked me how little identity I had. What music do you like, what clothes do you want to wear, what places would you like to visit – even just thinking these things was alien to me.

I said to someone I can’t date again, how would I hold a conversation when I can’t answer basic small talk questions like what’s your favourite meal, or films you like. These relationships rob us of our identity and personality.

In turn, like you this led me to realise my ‘friends’ aren’t friends. No one checked on me after I left, no one. That’s without knowing about the abuse side, where’s my friend with a glass of wine and a chick flick?! When I reached out to them I noticed how these people always twisted the chat back to them and their lives, dismissing me. That hurt but has been a blessing. For the first time in my life I don’t feel lonely, yeah I’d like more friends and a social life but I’m refinding music, tv, books, my spare time etc. I’m also noticing I’m starting to talk to strangers easier, I’ve made a couple of mum friends (early early days but enough to say hi and natter at the playground). So my advice is find you. I’m early doors on this journey but I caught myself smiling in the car earlier, never did that with him.

Last point of my essay – isn’t it odd how we can tick so many boxes on the list of abusive behaviour but how many of us say there was no violence. Would we say similar if there was violence but no financial abuse for example. Not having a go at anyone with that, it’s just how it is! But having experienced violence, even then you doubt it, excuse it, disbelieve so trust your gut – abuse is abuse in any form x x

Start with something really small – like wearing bright pink socks or your hair differently, something you do for you!

[Chocolatebunnie]

Bananaboat I am with you completely, it’s definitely about working on yourself and I am. It’s hard as I’m still in this relationship but I’m fighting for it, independence, my rightful place and respect.

I can’t say how, but met some people who understand. I have opened up and the support knocked me. It felt wonderful but afterward I’ve gone into panic mode, I feel vulnerable, stupid, dishonest (I’ve not lied) just shook up.

Im not used to the kindness.

I’ve realised I’ve no boundaries but also have built a wall around myself, it’s been suggested partially this maybe because he’s isolated me, he has. But also I’m not letting people in through trust issues, but here’s a bigger one, I’m not letting anyone see or hear about the reality of what is going on.

Nobody can understand why I’m with him.

It seems he is better now but I think it’s because he sees me getting more aware and getting slowly stronger in myself, time will tell. Although it’s never going to be normal as he will not admit to being in the wrong, however, he must know if he can change his behaviour.

It’s all work in progress

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

I am so glad that you have found some friendly connections. Baby steps, it can feel overwhelming very quickly. See these friends on a level that you can cope with bearing in mind your acknowledgement of lack of boundaries; these make it easy for people to practice exploitation and abuse on you, so use your growing connections to grow your boundaries. Simple things like deciding before you get there what time you need to leave, for you, for yours and your family’s needs, setting your budget of what you can afford to spend (on social eating/drinking, etc), how much time you can commit to meeting up/frequency. These are the basics and you can grow on from those, knowing that you respecting yourself and prioritising your needs, are important personal development goals for you.

Another important one is to share only what you are comfortable with, knowing also that sometimes even sharing things you are ok to share, can still leave you feeling vulnerable/exposed. Take is slowly, get to know who people are and what their boundaries are and you can get to know yourself through others in that sense.

I am glad you have found support, and hope that you find it helps you move forward and get strength inside for you.
warmest wisehs

ts

[Ricepudding]

Hi its early days for me only just had my eyes open to coercive behaviour I to thought abuse was to be violent. I had to look it up I couldn’t believe how many boxes I have ticked the sexual one was the only one he is the opposite nothing I have to ask for a hug and then he wants to know why. So I started to look for a property that we could move into. Then I went into panic mode I was lyinge and planing behind my partners back I started to feel guilty. I have no real friends as yes he has isolated me. I have stood up to my partner after he was saying some cruel things and I said don’t say
that it hurtful and it makes me feel bad his response was I’m only joking… I’ve heard that a few time. Then I start to question myself so was it ment as a joke…. I to have built up walls but they are in peices as I’ve lost my mom who was my only friend I could talk to. So I feel very alone. My Councillor told me to tell my boss it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do I felt ashamed. But he didn’t judge me he was very understanding and has been passing asked me how I am. I felt like I was in control once I had said it outloud. But now I still feel guilty for talking to people and looking for a property I still feel ashamed that I didn’t see it happening or when it started and that I’ve let it go on. I feel like I’ve let my children down. I feel like the only thing I’m in control of is what colour shoes I wear. It is just so uplifting to to talk to other people and be vulnerable and not have to be looking over your shoulder or watching the time or be accountable for who and what people you can talk to. I am amazed my how strong you are in doing what you do every day. It is so hard to live your life in this way no one should have too. Be brave be strong. Sometimes all we need is someone to be next to us listening or just with us x*x

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