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Hi all,
This is my first post on this forum. I guess I’ve been a bit hesitant to post anything because I’ve struggled to come to terms with what has been going on, and struggled to define it as abuse…
So I think I’m just looking for a bit of support from the community and clarification really.My husband is truly lovely, supportive and overall great, but when he gets angry, and that anger is directed at me, I can’t tolerate it – specifically physical outpouring of anger – over things that I really do not believe warrant that level of anger or aggression, and it makes me uncomfortable and upset.
Arguments/disagreements that have resulted in him directing his anger at me physically have ranged from how the laundry is folded to where my saving money is kept. He once intentionally trod on my foot in a crowded train because he didn’t like me teasing him in public about being naughty as a child. He hasn’t hit me, but has shoved me into a kitchen countertop and painfully squeezed my hand and repeatedly grabs my wrists and shakes me when angry. This is on top of throwing things, kicking furniture and stabbing things with a pen.
I have tried to speak to him about this and explained that physical displays of anger is not something I have ever experienced growing up or in previous relationships. I have tried to explain that it’s an absolute no go for me and I am not comfortable one bit with it and it’s something I feel that NOTHING warrants.
He sadly doesn’t agree… and sees it as justified behaviour because I take things too far and push things that I should just let go – he hates having to repeat himself, so when I bring up a topic that we have discussed previously, it sends him into a rage.
We haven’t been married that long, and I have to say this behaviour has got worse/more frequent since we got married. It makes me feel afraid – afraid of suggesting things and bringing up ideas and topics and of doing things the wrong way.
It’s really making me question staying with him – specially because we just don’t see eye to eye on this topic.I haven’t brought up the term ‘abuse’ with him yet, because I’m scared of how he will react.
Just needed an outlet. And apologies for the length of this post. Would love for your input/advice at this point.
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Hi Shampi,
What you are describing is abuse. No person in a relationship should ever lay a finger on their partner, nevermind what you have been through. Your situation reminds me of my ex partner. He would blame me or his ‘anger problems’. He used to also shake my head and coward me into corners, trap me in a room for hours. He never actually ‘punched me in the face’ so he didn’t think it was abuse. I can see he is trying to manipulate you into thinking if it weren’t for you he wouldn’t do this, my ex also used the terms ‘I was never like this before I met you’.
Unfortunately, it rarely gets better, it gets worse.. Abusers will never admit to what they are doing or will ever confront themselves. My own piece of advice is to leave now before you get more hurt, talk to people you can trust and also ring the helpline. This could be the beginning of the abuse cycle. Stay safe and remember how strong you are x
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I would go with survivorandproud on this one.
Totally. As hard as it may be to accept, there is no point whatsoever discussing ‘abuse’ with this person. Could even make it more dangerous and it sounds dangerous enough.
You still have time for a nice relationship in future. Please get divorced.
all best
ftc
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Please contact your local women’s aid. They can help you understand abuse and plan a safe exit. Google cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. Does he abuse anyone else in this manner? Abusers can control themselves around others but choose to abuse us when there are no witnesses. They know exactly what they are doing and how it affect us. You’ve already been programmed not to broach certain topics for fear of his reaction. That’s brainwashing. The things he gets angry about have no meaning to him. If it wasn’t the washing it would simply be something else. It’s about excuses to abuse you. So they simply move the goal posts. He won’t change. Typically abuse gets worse when they feel they have us trapped. Marriage and then children. Stay safe x
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It sounds pretty awful. My ex used to tell me that I was the cause of his anger, that he only got angry because he loved me, and that his massive overreactions were totally reasonable because I was so annoying. He frequently yelled at me for being messy, calling me the most awful names, throwing things I hadn’t tidied around the house and later on at me. It wasn’t until the day where I was home sick, but tidied literally everything before collapsing into bed. He came home and yelled at me for leaving the house a mess, because when I had collapsed into bed I had just kicked off my slippers and left them where they fell, rather than put them away neatly. He didn’t even see the cleaning or the tidyness. He just found something to hone in on that proved that I was a slattern, incapable of keeping the house clean and started in on me. It was at that point that I started to realise that it wasn’t actually my actions which made him react the way he did. If he was in a bad mood he would find something to be angry with me for, if he wasn’t he was kindness and sweetness and hugely supportive. I was lucky. He started to increase the nastiness and decrease the niceness after we got engaged and I left before we got married. It wasn’t until I had been away from him and had had no contact for months that I really learned that his reactions were never my fault though. It wasn’t until I got a new job in a high pressure and otherwise all male workplace that I realised that I wasn’t anything like as annoying as my ex had claimed. My ex once suffocated me for ‘talking too much’. I didn’t even question that I had been talking too much, I just thought his reaction was excessive. So when I started this job I tried to be as silent as possible. Only it was a new job, and fast paced, so I had to ask a lot of questions to make sure I was doing stuff right. And occasionally I would forget myself and give a smart Alec comeback to something said to me. A couple of weeks in and I was asking questions again, and apologising to my boss for still needing guidance. He was a very quiet man, much more so that my ex, and I was sure I must be driving him up the wall with all my questions. So I said, I will be quieter and stop asking questions when I have the measure of the job. He just grinned at me and said “no you won’t”. And I suddenly realised – if this guy, who is quiet and shy and hard working isn’t even slightly bothered by my chatting in the workplace, it never was me who was the problem. And this was after I had left my ex for hurting me, been in contact with women’s aid and gone no contact. I know it is hard to see when you are in the relationship, but you do not provoke his anger. The issue is him and only him. Try to take the pressure off yourself and really look at how he is acting. And phone the women’s aid helpline to talk things through.
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Thank you all for your messages.
I think I’ve been in a bit of denia in defining it as abuse, so your comments and feedback have really helped me to feel more confident and secure.I sat down and spoke to my husband about how his actions were making me feel, and I guess what I was hoping for was some recognition that what he was doing was wrong and at the very least an apology.
But his response that it was my actions that were causing his behaviour confirmed to me that he just doesn’t see it at wrong, and has justified it to himself – very clearly the thought process of an abuser.I’m definitely going to take up the advice to get help to figure out what to do next…
Thank you all again!
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It took me many years to do what you have just done in posting here so bravely.
Your story and the others posted in response, I could have written,and yet you have accepted this is abuse and can make your plans. You are so strong!
Just awesome. He has no right to carry on this way terrorising you like this. Please please don’t lose sight of these insights you have, he has already caused damage, and it will only get worse. I was shaken by the head so fast I didn’t think it was possible! So were my children, we drove him crazy, we were always saying or doing the wrong thing, and he was oh so good at garnering support for himself because we were so difficult and such a nightmare, he never missed an opportunity to show us in a bad light. The pursuing and trapping. I still can’t speak about it, its meaningless time, but when I see how you have written this so well and so clearly. Don’t let go of that. Hold onto it and remember what HE’s done.
Warmest wishes ts
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Dear Shampi,
This is abuse alright, sadly. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing your still-new husband showing his true colours. You’ve already tackled him and he’s already dug in, blamed you and tried to normalise the behaviour.
Why not have a think about the promises you made each other when you married? Is he keeping them? Was there anything there about terrorising you with displays of rage? I doubt it!
You could approach it in a different way by saying things clearly aren’t going as you both hoped and planned: you aren’t prepared to live with his frightening rages and he is obviously being enraged on a regular basis by things you are doing that seem harmless to you when you do them. Might it be better to just part now, before you get too deep with things like mortgages, babies etc and make each other unhappy for life?
If he loved you, he’d get a shock from this and ask how he could put things right. If he just gets angry or insists you are the one who needs to change, it might be time to plan your exit.
Whatever you do, don’t accept anger management counselling as a next step. Unless he is raging like this at everyone wherever he goes – at work, with his family, with his friends – then he is already managing his anger, isn’t he? He’s using it to control you! Do be careful about where and when you raise this, if you do. He doesn’t sound safe to be around.
Flower x
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