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I am (detail removed by moderator) post break up with a man who abused me for (detail removed by moderator). I have been reading a lot about n********t personality disorder and wondered throughout our relationship whether the way I felt was my fault or I was being gas lit.
We met after I had left my husband and he was in an unhappy relationship he said was over. His behaviour at the beginning seemed typical of love bombing. I was blown away by his charm, his support, his love. He made me feel incredible and although I knew some of it was full on and almost too intense I drank it in because it felt so good. I caught him out in some lies early on but he told that he had fallen for me and that was all in the past. He said (detail removed by moderator). We spoke ever single day, sometimes for hours on the phone and constantly by message. He was very highly sexed and had particular needs and told me he had always dreamt of being a (detail removed by moderator) husband who’s wife slept with other men. He told me (detail removed by moderator). We decided to meet another man and it was an incredibly bonding experience and seemed to bring us closer. Over time the pressure got more and the expectation and the boundaries were pushed regarding what he wanted and what he expected of me. He routinely told me (detail removed by moderator) and would tell me I needed to meet other men to be happy. We began to meet men regularly but on occasion he would blow up about me not really liking it or if I did something or said something he didn’t like at a meet. He would punish me with silence or passive aggressiveness and be cold and distant. He would tell me exactly how he wanted the meet to happen, exactly what I should say and do throughout. The last few times I would cry privately and not want to go but I was so scared he’d cheat on me if I didn’t give him what he wanted. One time I woke with heart palpitations I was so stressed. Another I thought about saying I needed to get some air and calling a cab and not returning. I didn’t want to do it. All this time he was living with his ex but promising a future. The (detail removed by moderator) so if I ever bought up when he would leave he would get cross and give me silent treatment or be cold. I once miscarried and he chose this point to tell me he needed space and barely spoke on me for (detail removed by moderator) and I had to go through it all on my own. I felt isolated and stopped seeing friends and family. He wouldn’t tell anyone about our relationship but would show naked photos of me to his friends telling (detail removed by moderator). He began to withdraw and wouldn’t firm up plans to see me, it would all be last minute and I felt I had to be constantly available for him because it was so limited to when we could see each other because of his ex. I begged him to tell her or at least meet me somewhere in the middle but he’d just get cross. During lockdown things changed further, he would put me down, come over for sex and leave. Just as I thought I was done he’d switch on the love bombing so it was a constant push pull. (Detail removed by moderator) out of the blue he came over and told me it didn’t feel right, gave me his key and left. I tried to get in contact to gain closure and ask questions but he wouldn’t give them. He had come round (detail removed by moderator) previously, badgered me for sex and acted completely normally. In my quest for answers I searched some online hook up sites and found him on a gay one, he’d been meeting men during our relationship. I snapped and messaged his ex, I had been treated like a mistress and kept in the shadows, hidden and not given a voice for so long I just couldn’t be quiet anymore. His response was to message me abuse and block me. I became addicted to his contact and now I feel so lost. I don’t recognise myself and don’t know who I am or what I want. I should hate him and feel shame for missing him. Will this get better? I’m finding it hard to function. -
I’m so sorry you have gone through this!
I think you know that what you experienced is an extremely unhealthy and destructive relationship. This man is a monster. I don’t know another word to describe this kind of person.
You’ll need counseling and therapy to process the trauma and to go no contact. It’s very likely that he’ll come back again. It’s the absolutely worse thing that can happen. He is a PREDATOR. -
Thank you for your reply. Yeah he’s an awful human being. I‘ve been in counselling for a few years (I stopped briefly this year because I felt I was just complaining about him every week and it was draining) but back now. He was incredibly angry I contacted his ex, he told me (detail removed by moderator)
I’m not sure how anyone moves on from a relationship like this. I guess I’m trauma bonded. Is it just time and counselling do you think?-
Yes, time and counseling definitely helps. Moving on from something like this require a great deal of personal growth. Growing in knowledge about yourself and forging paths towards more self awareness and self love.
What works for everyone is different but a combination of no contact, therapy, education, meditation, exercise, journaling will help you heal. And when you are ready, you will start reintroducing healthy friendships and relationships back into your life.
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