Loosing control

[Chocolatebunnie]

Sorry I need to let this out as I noticed something today, it was with parenting our child, who had been ill.

Usually I make the decision if they’re fit enough to go but today it want my place, husband was here to help as I was I’ll. I noticed how my opinion wasn’t necessary and I was expected to back up the procedure of getting my child to school, regardless of the fact they’ve always been good going to school and they’d been ill last few days and it was first day back. I get the importance but I felt the loss in being part of the situation I realised he was taking over, I was expected to keep quiet and back him up.

But if they’re ill or recovering? My child wasn’t well enough.

Anyhow I have had the same illness and knew how bad I felt we fell ill same time.

When I eventually stepped in and gently timidity said I felt my child was too ill, he was angry, I wasn’t backing him up, but I had my own opinion. He got angry at me and my child.

As posted before the elder kids have anxiety so bad they don’t attend regular school. Now I’m thinking no wonder the way he went on and on this morning about attending school.

He then said I am slack at getting kids to school. Said child had near 100% attendance last year, minus the odd cold.

I just feel like I’m expected to do as I’m told I’m noticing it more and more.

A separate incident a few days ago he asked elder child to help me with a job but they were already helping me with something else. He got rude with them, not listening and my child had had enough, they got angry back. And hetold elder child not to speak to them so rudely but was swearing under his breath about them for all of us to hear and stopped then carried on I stepped in when I got the chance he went off in a mood leaving us all in a state. My younger kids behaviour was changed after this.

He was out with me and little kids he went to get a drink, whilst he was away a man spoke to me I replied. The msn spoke to me on two separate occasions and he and his party of friends mixed sex stood near us and I watched as they were animated and loud. When we left husbands annoyed I spoke to man and watched the group and accused me of preferring them to him. I surprised myself and told him to shut up he was being silly. Anyway, he told the older kids I was flirting and he was hurt. And then I suffered the sulking from him. My eldest told me what he said I explained and they said I didn’t have to they knew I would not behave like that.

This is almost everyday sometimes more in a day sometimes a week until the next. He says things like possessions are his when they’re ours and knows I have to take a child for a hospital appointment and is not prepared to help even though he knows I have anxiety and travelling is difficult for me.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Am I right that he difficult part in this is facing up to who you’re actually in a relationship with and realising the responsibility is with you to fix it, in that it will carry on getting worse until something is done. That they aren’t the person you believed they were?

He used to help me, he was kind sometimes now that’s not there, it’s less and less. He’s changing, it was never great, but no relationship is but I see what was wrong and is wrong is not normal.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m not explaining things well, but he rants, he goes on and on when he’s cross. He doesn’t listen, he didn’t listen when my child said they were sick, he had his mind made up they said it as they didn’t want to go to school. That’s was that.

And that’s how he is he won’t listen, he is angry when approached with a different view, he is defensive and paranoid. If you had heard my child saying I don’t know how many times, but I am sick, it broke my heart. I had to step in but I was doubting myself at the same time, but child comes first. Annoyed I let it go on like it did, which is where I feel I’m loosing control 😢

[Yellowflower]

These men make us doubt our own thoughts make it impossible for us to make a decision clearly. We are so used to watching what we say and how we say it we lose what’s right and wrong. He is a classic abuser. He sees you as a possession not someone who should dare to have an opinion of their own! It’s his way or the highway. Yes he may have helped and been nice at times I understand that you wouldn’t have got into a relationship and stayed if it was all bad you sound deeply unhappy and that you’d starting to see him for what he is. Research lovebombing it may help to understand why he does that. I cannot recommend enough to read why does he do that by Lundy bancroft. I went through it with a highlighter so I could see what I could relate to. I was so shocked after it made me realise how bad things really were. He shows no respect for you or your children is that someone you want to spend your life with? Keep posting on here these girls are amazing❤️ Big hugs x

[diymum@1]

hi hows you CB I was wondering how you were getting on. these men sap us off our energy and try to take control off everything. ‘king off the castle at all costs’ especially they are very good at undermining our authority. if your child isn’t well enough to go to school then he shouldn’t be sent. He needs to know home is his sanctuary especially when hes feeling genuinely rubbish. my feeling in your situation is hes got into your head. do you feel you wont manage alone? I felt like that but when it came down to it I actually managed better once he was ‘flung out’ as he would put it! he were the pluses; you can make decisions for your kids that feel right for you – with that comes a bond and with time confidence. You don’t have pressure from him so less anxiety so you can concentrate more on the kids and you. once hes out off the picture people will rally round yopu don’t think it but these guys isolate us. you can do this on your own and more x*x love diymum

[Chocolatebunnie]

Yellow flower all true and my head goes round and round each day knowing it’s wrong and thinking of a way out, to thinking it’s maybe normal to thinking of the kids and breaking up the family.

My eldest is between us they understand I need to be happy and that dad is not nice at times and told school he is abusive. But they still love him and want him to get help, my next child wants him gone and is putting pressure on me to do something which is if I’m honest making the decision harder to make it is making me feel guilty for not doing it but then my two youngest adore their dad and again I feel guilty for any decisions I make.

I have the book you mentioned and should I stay or should I go? But I can’t find time to read them and I’m scared he will find them.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Diymum thanks for always replying it’s akway nice to hear from you.

It’s hard to get on here as he is around all the time at the moment, I’ve been ill we all have and he’s been cooking cleaning gardening and washing clothes. Not an abuser?

He’s been really helpful but emotionally he’s and I are distant. I think by doing all the jobs he’s organised the house the way he thinks it should be, he can’t stand mess either. It’s been for him not for me. He also says it’s easy, look how much he’s done etc etc.

I’m still having counselling I’m still working towards getting out. I can’t see anyway. Wants stopping me is that I’m blowing everything out of proportion and being over sensitive and will regret it. My mental health is a worry too I’m scared I will cope and then go downhill. I have other health problems like fibromyalgia, bizarrely I recalled talking to my GP years ago about this, he said many things cause flare ups especially worth looking at your relationship and at the time I was annoyed at him but now I wonder if he saw something was up?

I’m scared of his reaction as he never leaves me alone, I need to be strong to deal with this. When I break it off he always wins me back this time it’s got to be the last, it’s unfair on the kids to keep splitting and getting back together.

So why is this so hard? I’m not sure. I’m not happy, but maybe I’m just depressed and over sensitive.

Waiting for counselling, top of list, with local WA hopefully hear soon.

I do dream of my own space, a happy home, of maybe a happy future with some one else, of a career but even then is the grass greener?

Feeling it atm it’s just a chip here and a chip there at the moment, little comments or moods or looks, I need some space from him, needed somewhere to rant x*x

[KIP.]

For decades I suffered with depression and anxiety. I dint understand at the time but it was him that was causing my mental health problems. He was injuring my mental health with his behaviour. For years I tried to fix a problem that was never mine. The doctors simply treated the symptoms. Not the cause. The cause was abuse from my husband. If it’s affecting your children too then that’s sentencing them to a lifetime of emotional problems that will need therapy to help. It sounds like your wake up call was forcing a sick child to school and the anxiety that that brings to them. Imagine a life without him in it. Would you all be less anxious. When we are being abused we become anxious about not just being round an abuser. It spills into everyday life. I became unable to leave the house. Had panic attacks at the supermarket etc etc. I hope one day you can free yourself and your children from this man. You all deserve so much more. Google trauma bonding. Gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance x

[Anonymous]

Hey been reading this post , chocolatebunny I can relate to much of what you’re saying , it’s so difficult when you have children with someone like this isn’t it ? I’m really wanting out of my relationship too but worried how it’ll affect my kids especially my youngest who adores him and gets very unsettled when he leaves (which happens often- he comes and goes quite a lot) and I’m also worried how I’ll cope and manage alone as a single mum .
Kip -I was reading the part you were saying about how you suffered anxiety and panic attack’s in the past -I am going through this at the moment to the point I cannot to out – if I go to the supermarket I’ll have a panic attack it’s absolutely awful – I know that being in such a horrid relationship is the reason I’m like this really but at the same time feel I need him because my anxiety is so bad and I’m struggling to get out of the house and need help with the children – taking them out – shopping etc . It’s a vicious cycle . The doctors given me antidepressants but I don’t see how that’s going to resolve anything .did your mental health improve once you broke away from your relationship ? xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

KIP I think you have been through what I have been experiencing, and I am now sure my childhood (parents were abusive to me and still are to each other) and the relationships since leaving home are all abusive. I have never been on my own neither have I understood until now why my mental health has been an issue and it’s is because I have never been free of abuse. I looked into trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance and I’ve witnessed, my children have pointed out this and the gaslighting for sure.

I need to be on my own and work through the damage that has been done. And I am guilty of not seeing it sooner and my 3 eldest kids have suffered. They feel when dad has left our home has been calm and anxiety reduced. Their mental health is already a serious issue, and of course their dad does not understand at all.

What made you decide to leave how did you find the strength when you were so low. I find I get panic attacks which are far worse when I try to separate I’m sure some of it is down to blocking out some of what is happening here.

He has said I won’t cope, I will have to move house as the garden and the state of repair of the home needs his attention and with the kids, their additional needs and my health he says I won’t cope. But I wonder if without his negativity I will regain some energy and begin to find more time for the extra jobs there will be. But then others tell me I’m already on my own and coping I just need to believe in this.

Apple118 I think you will cope just fine if you decide to separate I hope you find the courage to do so. Happiness is the key here. Kids will still have their dad. It’s Christmas and times like this that hold me back from breaking it off and the though if sharing the children but I am reassured by everyone that this will although be different it will be worth it as quality of life will be better and that’s what I keep imagining a better life.

What KIP has said is that your mental health can really only be fixed by removing the problem causing your illness, antidepressants may help temporarily and might give you the lift you need to make changes, ultimately it’s got to be about solving the issues you’re faced with. That’s why I am not taking antidepressants I chose counselling which is helping x*x

[Yellowflower]

Hi girls. I’d just like to say I too suffered from panick attacks and anxiety while I was with him. For years I thought that’s just me I panick over everything. For years he told me I needed him, I couldn’t cope on my own, no one would want me. I think if I had of been just on my own in the relationship I would still be there taking it. But thankfully I had a lightbulb moment when he crossed a line.. I have left with my children and my god yes it’s hard but I was so blind to the mental impact it was having on my children. And myself…my anxiety over everything…. I realised my anxiety was everything because he controlled my life. My life was him… I only ever feel that way now when it’s yhings to do with him so that’s a huge improvement. I realised I can do this I am strong…he was wrong about me. He said those things to keep me there.. what I’m trying to say is I can remember that constantly confused state that exhaustion of trying to get everything right for him. Ultimately for him to find something else to abuse me about. That takes a tol massively on mental health. I promise you if you take that step away from the crazy and see it from the outside looking in things will get better. I really feel for you but keep posting and keep educating youseelf I really hope you find the courage to take that leap for you and for your children. Xx

[KIP.]

It was because I was so low that I knew the abuse would kill me or he would. I was suicidal so I reached out to womens aid. Until then I didn’t realise I was being abused. He was good at twisting and destroying my self confidence. Everything he says to you is a lie designed to keep you dependent on him. The seeds of doubt about your ability etc. The lies about what you’d get. I’m sitting in the marital home in peace n quiet. The same home he promised he would take from me and force its sale. Just delusional hot air. It’s a form of brainwashing that we believe we need them and that they are our protectors. Where in fact what they do is push us off a Cliff then run down and rescue us. Mind blowing brainwashing. At the end of the day everyone around you except him believes in you. Why listen to him, someone who hurts you. It all didn’t make sense to me so I just had to shut my eyes and take a huge leap of faith. Going against my gut and my heart. I jumped. I’ve never looked back. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s replies like this that make me want to move forward 😊 good ridden to bad rubbish it is, my friends who funny enough I no longer have said he wasn’t good enough, my friend also warned him off and of course he told me, I was cross and gradually I lost all but one of my friends who, you got it, he doesn’t really like. I earned more than him, had just left college when we got together and he had just started a job having been on the dole for a while, getting drunk and stoned but I though he was young onwards and upwards. The signs were there.

Once children came along you see things differently I’ve been hoping I guess the two youngest kids wouldn’t be affected that maybe it’ll be ok, he might parent better this time round, and some of this has kept me with my husband, but the last week I feel there’s a good chance now things will continue with them. I’ve seen a change in my child’s behaviour, it could be other things like the return to school or the being ill or there’s a few other factors, but his behaviour is usually so good and he’s sweet natures but since seeing his dad get angry he has been angry too, I haven’t a choice anymore it’s a must. My eldest, can’t stand him has moved out and is surprised I’ve not kicked him out yet.

I have been feeling extremely low, I have felt useless and a failure to my children. I have come close to self harm and suicidal thoughts are daily. That’s the effect things are having on me with the spiralling of what to do for the best.

I also worry so much about his parenting skills, as he will fall asleep whilst Looking after the kids, he is always stoned, he’s irresponsible and takes risks and says I worry too much (I don’t I’m just a normal mum) he will think nothing of having 2 pints and driving with the kids or driving with them stoned. He’s so used to being stone he thinks he is just fine to do everyday things. I worry for my kids safety if he has them on his own, he gets the older kids to look after them for him. He says they are helping him with the youngest two when I pop out.

So this is a big thing holding me back, and social services are not interested they’ve been in touch several times we don’t meet their threshold.

Right now it’s going to be something will make me click and end things as or it will have to be the leap of faith.

When he said I would have to move he added that where I go etc etc he would have his say as I have his kids he implied I would move them away from their home, friends and his family too. But that I wouldn’t cope in this home. I’ve moved away from my family and I wonder if he’s worried I will move nearer to them. Tbh I plan to stay put this is our home.

X*x

[diymum@1]

hi there its good to hear from you to chocolate 🙂 i personally feel that we can only take so much abuse – its like coffee getting heaped up with more and more sugar sometimes theres no where left for it to go it spills over like saturation point. we cant take any more thats how i got. were fighting with our demons theyre putting in our heads it sounds daft but they brain wash us slowly and thats hard to break free from especially when we doubt our capabilities. i didnt think i was strong enough but i was a single parent for a while – i realised i had been doing it alone any way he wouldnt lift a finger or work just a waste off space lol xx

i talk to lots off people in the job i do and like these men when they give up a habit it takes something dramatic. like a heart attack to stop smoking and drinking – i here this most days. the thing is we look back and feel we should have done it sooner but breaking the trauma bonding along with dealing with fear its so so hard. i still struggle to this day but when i speak to older ladies who have tolerated abuse right into there 70s and 80’s i feel it has wasted their lifes xx these men arent worth that you are entitled to happyness and i think this is acheivable for you xxxx

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