Loosing the will

[mummy]

So again I’m back second abusive relationship that is now over but this time it’s different my first abusive ex has been I’m contact again it’s been [detail removed by moderator] years since we split and it’s like nothing has changed he says I still belong to him. The second one has disregarded everything and left me for dead as it were once I pointed out what he was like he turned it all around on me and how I didn’t involve him with things and didn’t see him enough. He worked away and came back at weekends what else cous I do. Unfortunately both exs have violated me sexually and I feel worthless and good for nothing. Very confused and wondering what I’ve done to be involved with two people who did the same things please help feel like I’m going insane x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun

I’ve learned so much from being here and various resources. We are actually at our most vulnerable when we are free from our first abusers.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book : Why Does He Do That?

Definitely see if you can speak to a DV counsellor to help you through the pain.

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m sorry to hear that you had to suffer not one but two of these terrible men, sending you a big virtual hug! You are in the right place.

I second reading ‘Why does he do that,’ I am reading it myself at the moment and it’s great, so informative and helps you make sense of everything.

It is quite common for people to have more than one abusive relationship, what would help would be to do some work through books, relevant youtube videos and a therapist if possible to work the pattern out. These men are good at exploiting our vulnerabilities, they are very charming in the beginning and lovebomb us. I have dated two controlling men before my recent ex abuser so I am working on identifying what is it about them that I am attracted to. A lot of the time it’s about childhood trauma and being attracted to someone who reminds us of a primary caregiver when we were children. There are some excellent books on it plus youtube channels which have really been helping me. I recommend watching some videos on youtube by [Detail removed by moderator] amongst others. They are all women who have experienced abuse before and come out the other side. I find them very well informed and they have helped me to make sense of it and make me feel less depressed and alone.

There is also the freedom programme which from what I understand is about helping us to identify abusers before we get involved.

I’m so sorry you went through this, please know that you did nothing to deserve it.

[mummy]

Thank you both stupid thing is I competed the freedom programme and had councilling after my first abusive relationship and still fell for another I saw the signs and ignored them thinking I was being paranoid. I hany read the book mentioned but have heard of it before might be worth and investment to read x

[Ayanna]

You need to go deeper and find the root cause why you fall for abusers.
It often starts in our childhood.
Try to sty away from men until you have sorted yourself out.
Train yourself in diagnosing the signs. You have the tools. Believe in them!

Try to get counseling again, maybe a long therapy if possible.

[Beenherebefore]

Hi mummy
I think Ayanna is right. I stayed with my counselling to overcome the trauma but then started it again when I started dating again and then into my next relationship. This was a massive help to me as it meant I could discuss any concerns that came up and had a second and trained opinion on it. This made me feel safer and make clearer choices.

Be kind to yourself though too as it sounds like you are beating yourself up. You are not to blame here, your two abusers are. x x

[Confused123]

HI hUn

HAve a deep look at why you are attracted to these certain type of men, like the ladies say maybe could be link to something u saw in childhood but dont remember. I know at the begining i was attracted to anyone that gave me attention, i had to really look deep into myself and still do, i now learnt that cant ignore red flags, have to respect and love myself,think with ex i lost myself . I know i still struggle to trust but that is this year target to overcome, maybe we just want to be accepted and these men give that fake impression to us , dont worry if u see red flags in a guy, be greatful u saw the flag to be able to walk away

[mummy]

Hi all u have it so right and thank you for ur advice, I have been refreshing myself and reading all that I can again to make sense of things again. I knew the signs and chose to ignore them as the picture he painted was all I’ve ever wanted a family for me and my girls someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am. Unfortunately number two abuser must have seen me coming and I opened up to him about hangs I’ve not even told my family. On reflection it’s seems he already sussed me out and knew exactly how to draw me in and take advantage. I am angry for allowing myself to fall for another when I knew in my gut it wasn’t right xx

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

DOnt be angry with yourself, your right these men do suss us out before they even date us and thats actually scary. WE should not have to feel liek this , i actully chatted to this one guy who has clear red flags so have kept my distance, he too is trying to work me out, i have just totally back off as can see he will hurt me, where did all the decent guys disappear to . WE so can not ignore the red flags, i just think of this guy ans thinkof my ex , so weird how they think different to us

[Author]

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