Losing faith and trust

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Hello everyone.

Another one here who has joined in some doubt. I’m not sure how much I can say without it being moderated as potentially identifying, but I’m in a same sex relationship, though my partner was born male, and in my opinion, still has many negative traits most associated with males.

My partner has a history of losing their temper easily and has always it seems suffered with road rage. She shouted at me and my adult child a couple of times early on in the relationship which I was quick to point out was unacceptable. This stopped, but I noticed more and more I was criticised very regularly.

The criticism spanned a wide range of ‘problems’. My (detail removed by moderator), I’d look better with a bit of make-up, I couldn’t fold the recycling just right, I turned the tap off the wrong way, my cooking was bland or meals not hot enough, that kind of thing.

My partner, I have to say, is very loving in many ways. Warm, affectionate, quite emotional. If I’m short on cash she will offer to help, if something needs doing in the house (I have a chronic illness) she will do it if she can. The criticism was quite wearing though and I realised I’d stopped trying to do certain things because of it.

More recently I felt we’d ironed things out and were/are planning to live together. Then I (detail removed by moderator), and the criticism got out of hand. She gave me use of her car but it seems that entitles her to critique my driving constantly. We had an incident lately where she started to raise her voice at me while I was driving, telling me to do things I felt unsafe doing (detail removed by moderator), drive too fast etc.

(detail removed by moderator). I’m an experienced and confident driver but I don’t do risky moves. This culminated in her ranting like a mad person and forcing me (detail removed by moderator) and she raged at me before pulling away far too fast, causing (detail removed by moderator) in the back of the car.

I did get what seemed to be a very sincere apology that night and again the next day. However, she has driven very dangerously and aggressively many times with me as her passenger before, and this time acted dangerously as the passenger. So I told her I accept the apology but I will not be going in the car with her again in either capacity. Which will make things a bit tricky really!.

I feel I’ve lost faith and trust in her. It’s a bit of joke amongst her long term friends and family that she’s always been hot headed, used to fight as a younger person, has road rage etc etc. I’m beginning to find it very un-funny indeed and am getting very nervous about her moving in. I was in a cold and emotionally abusive marriage for a long time previously and don’t want to go through it all again. On the other hand she makes me laugh a lot usually, we have a lot of things in common and a very good chemistry.

Does what I’ve described sound abusive to you all, or am I in turn being too critical?. Obviously we all have our faults. She does a lot for me, but this latest incident actually scared me so much I found it hard to even look at her for 24 hours or so afterwards.

Any thoughts appreciated.

[KIP.]

Please do not move in with this person. Abuse often escalates after a commitment and moving in together is very often a trigger. Yes, it’s abusive behaviour. You should never be scared of your partner. Google the cycle of abuse, of course there are good times otherwise we would run for the hills. Her family and friend are telling you what she is like. Believe them x

[Iwantmeback]

HIV there and welcome to the forum. Yes you are in an abusive relationship. I remember my oh criticised my driving every time I drove, got so bad I refused to drive with him in the car or his car as he’d accuse me of getting ir deliberately scratched or of kerbing it. I’d be distraught at times trying to reason with him that others cars drive by that they cause stones to chip, how it’s impossible to miss every pot hole, yet nothing would be said when he hit them. Her erratic driving is going to get worse, possibly kill someone, possibly your dog. The fact that others have excused get behaviour af oh that’s just her, she’s always been a hit head is exactly why she’s a hot head.nobody told her to stop it, the were no consequences to her behaviour. Please don’t move in with this person it will get worse. Look up the cycle of abuse,and the FOG of abuse, you deserve do much more than this. Reach out to women’s aid they can help you navigate your way out of this relationship. I married my oh because I was so scared ofcwhat he’d do if I didn’t, knew i shouldn’t but still went ahead with it. Thought by marrying him he’d believe that I truly loved him. The emotional abuse, the gaslighting, the sexual abuse just got steadily worse, at times it was constant, then it wasn’t, thought I’d eventually got through to him, started to think we were good, and that’s when it would ramp up again, the walking on eggshells, not being able to do right fir wrong, the constant put downs, being told if I didn’t like it there’s the door. We can only put up with so much, be at rock bottom and the only way is in a box or up.
You’re in the right place fir support and guidance. Keep posting sweetheart, knowledge is power.
IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

Oh my, it’s absolute abuse! It’s the crazymaking isn’t it? As Dr. Scott Peck says in his book “People of the Lie” you will know them by the consistency of their inconsistencies and it’s true. Very true. It’s okay to take faith and trust back. I am of the opinion that trust has to be earned anyways, a bit at a time, not all given in one lump sum, so just like beans in a basket, you can start taking some out a scoop at a time and with me in times past, one thing could happen that was just a deal breaker all the way round and I’d dump out the whole basket and go – that’s it, I’m done.

I think they offset their bad behavior by all the things they do for you, they keep a score sheet. Well, me doing this for you is worth me doing all this criticism, etc. It makes up for it? Does it? They have a different basket going on… Well, sooo, what I just did for her is worth about ten beans, so there you go. Even though what they did is worth you sorting out 50 from your own basket of trust. It gets all lopsided, right? The value you place on things and the value she places on things.

Pretty sure she’s aware of what she’s doing. But it also seems she thinks she can make this swap with you and all is fine, at least in your mind it is. But you’re not seeing it that way anymore and good for you!! First step. See it as it is, not as we would paint it to be or want it to be. You seem very miserable, so imagine yourself not miserable. At peace with yourself, taking care of yourself and saving all your energy for you because alot of your energy you need for yourself and your health right now is being all used up in her direction and dealing with her very bad behavior.

I always love the line – I didn’t take you to raise. I want to be in a relationship with an adult, not a bratty child. You are seeing things clearly my love, you are. Moving in together would be a total disaster. I don’t need to see the future for that one. A person’s past behavior is a good prediction of their future behavior only it could get much much worse. Our intuition and radar is given to us for a reason but if we don’t listen to it, we regret it later. Raising my hand on that one! And you don’t need to give her or anyone else a long computer printout of why either. No need to go round and round about it either. If and when you decide it’s not a good relationship for you, a simply reply will do, not something good and healthy for me and that’s that. No going in front of a judge and jury and getting beat up again by her or anyone else. We have lessons in life, this was one of them. My other saying is – Thank you so much for letting me know who you truly are because I just avoided a train wreck! Say that to yourself of course, no need to incite her. Keep talking here. Wonderfully wise women listening and responding that have been through it, we all have.

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Thankyou for the replies.
My partner tried to ‘get round me’ with intimacy for a couple of days following the latest incident. I had to be very firm in telling her that wouldn’t work and to give me some space, which she did in the end.
I was just beginning to calm down when she revealed that her (male) friend had rung her and they’d discussed the incident. The friend, who knows us both well, told her that he would’ve done the same thing to his wife (detail removed by moderator) if she’d (detail removed by moderator) on the same bit of road!.
Well I assume this was supposed to make me back down somehow but if so it backfired. I was fuming.
Really not too sure about the future, but I can’t make a decision right now. My partner’s not well at the moment.
I know one thing, I’m not prepared to be pushed around like I was by my ex!. The support here is very helpful x

[KIP.]

Don’t believe a word they say. They’re liars and manipulators. manipulative and being ill is also a manipulative move. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x

[Iwantmeback]

She spoke to a man, a man who like my oh thinks there’s nothing wrong with their type of driving. Women are more cautious as drivers,not all, and I know some men are too but they were always older, responses slower,so they drove slower. As fir being ‘ill’, take that with a huge box of salt. Men, and people with more Male qualities, will pull this card out the pack often. Why? Becsuse ‘women’ are the natural carers and this us a way of getting us to forget any differences and give them our undivided attention, that’s all. Not knowing how abusive minds work, we do take how they feel into consideration, we take them at their word that they don’t feel well. Their not feeling well is real,but what’s making them ill, is us standing up to them. It throws them off kilter, like coming off the waaltzers, you’re dizzy for a time.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power
IWMB 💞💞

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