Losing my mind

[Lifeafter]

Hi I’m knew to this and to be honest I’m ashamed to find myself in this position. Been with my husband (detail removed by moderator). Since I met him he has constantly accused me of cheating. I have done 4 lie detector tests, passed 2 failed 3rd one due to us saying together (detail removed by moderator) Passed final one last year that covered the whole time we were together. My husband is not physical but on too of the accusations he shames me on social media and to his family and friends. We have agreed to split but he is withholding all our savings and whilst he is still here he is saying I have issues, I’m sick and a (detail removed by moderator). I’m ignoring him but it’s making him worse. I visit my parents in (detail removed by moderator) every 4 weeks and due to me blocking him on everything he called theirs 3 times yesterday telling them I’m having an affair and checking I was there, which I was. I have to send my mobile phone bills, credit and bank statements for him to check and when he can’t find proof of what he has accused me of he just ignores it! He has threatened his best friend as he believes we have been together(which we havent). He degrades me with his comments over sex etc and checks my underwear in the laundry basket. He has taken all my underwear from the basket and said he has sent it for samples. I know this is a lie and I have nothing to hide, but it’s just another example of him humiliating me. He cheated 9 weeks after we got married but that’s my fault. Apparently she’s better looking than me and I’ll never find anyone else and I’ll be on my own. I have a strong family but don’t want to worry them with all the details and for some reason I hide the fact that he abuses cocaine on an almost daily basis. I apologise for the length of this but I genuinely think I’m losing my mind! Xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi lifeafter,

Welcome to the Forum and you’re definitely in the right place. Keep posting and reading the other ladies’ posts and you will no longer feel insane. When we’re dealing with the behaviours you describe which are insane and crazy-inducing behaviours, we feel crazy. Nothing is stable or calm. Its all highs and lows and they are nasty/nice to us, nasty/nice. Google the cycle of abuse and The Power and Control wheel.

The abusers always project what they are, unto us to take the spotlight from his behaviour (cheating and a bad cocaine addiction) unto us. They we get busy defending ourselves, working hard to please them (which is impossible) while they can do as they like. They just blame, criticize us all the time so no wonder we feel crazy.

Mine told me I was mad, crazy that I needed to see a doctor. And indeed I probably didn’t appear to be as together as he was as I was being abused badly (by him may I add) and he wasn’t being abused, in fact he was getting a right buzz from my hurt, distress and confusion.

I read once that we never have to justify ourselves to anyone. So no need to take these lie- detector tests and you don’t have to send him your statements of your finances. Its your business what you spend your money on and how you spend it. You don’t have to account to him.

Its good you are going to split from him so keep posting for support, as we will recognize his behaviours which will get worse, as you try to leave the abusive relationship with him and you can learn how to navigate the difficulties with our experiences.

[Lifeafter]

Hi lover of no contact and thank you for your reply. Reading this assures me a little more that I’m not mad. My husband is the same in that he takes pleasure from my upset. He is constantly following me round the house laughing and whistling and insinuating he has found “evidence” of my alleged cheating. Reading other experiences on here has given me strength to not argue back or try to defend myself anymore, but this in turn amuses him and furthers his belief I am cheating. He has been harassing work colleagues etc over the weekend and it’s getting really embarrassing for me. I have contacted our estate agent today to see if we can break our lease as I really cannot bear to stay under the same roof as him, hopefully the landlord will take pity on my reasons and agree to this. I’ll keep posting and reading as this site is really helping my sanity xx

[Lifeafter]

Hi again. Not a good week, sometimes I’m so soft I give in to his requests to borrow my car and feel sorry for him due to being off work and down (although he managed drugs again last night). Went into my car today to find my sat nav missing! When confronted over this and my underwear from laundry basket I was told he was gathering his proof! I got home to be advised he had the results back from my underwear to confirm I have had multiple partners in the last week!! When I asked how he managed to send my underwear away on (detail removed by Moderator), get them and the report back today he just blanked me. I know he is totally lying but I still found myself googling it and finding it takes 10 days. Why am I still falling for his lies, even if he did do what he said, they wouldn’t find anything. Today I have had 4 instances of dizzy and sickness feeling (bit like deja vu if that makes sense?). Has anyone else suffered this? Worried as I was driving at one point when it happened. His behaviour is getting worse as he gets more cocky, constant whistling and laughing. He keeps telling me he is the victim of “my actions” and he has been speaking to people who know how to deal with the sick person I am! I’m starting a new job in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and it’s such a great opportunity but I can’t take him into this new exciting environment. I considered calling police due to him stealing underwear, sat nav, wardrobes, drawers and handbags being ransacked everyday but I know he’s been in trouble with police and his ex wife before and don’t think I could handle the guilt of getting him in trouble. I know, pathetic! Would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer xx

[lover of no contact]

Thats good Lifeafter, keep taking the actions. All the actions taken will all add up to getting you out of this toxic relationship. Its not love. Its not a relationship. Its abuse. I’m sure there’s not a woman on here who hasn’t been called the mad one, the crazy one, the one to blame. Mine even called me the bully, that I was bullying HIM even though I was the one running from him in the kitchen, garden, bedroom wherever he started his rants and running into the bathroom putting my fingers in my ears to stop getting his verbal onslaughts into my head. They actually are the insane ones carrying out insane behaviours. They are insane but they actually know what they are doing. Mine too would whistle and sing to himself getting a right buzz from my fear and distress. He was in the process of discarding me (separation letter to me) and he would be singing around the house songs like ‘If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me,’ laughing to himself thinking it was a big joke and a game and then acting all hostile and intimidatory and predatory with verbal onslaughts that I’d be out of the house and he would get full custody. No wonder we think we’re going bad. Let me assure you that you are not mad, you are reacting normally to being treated very badly and you are also living with addiction. Also I would see if there are any al-anon or nar-anon (narcotics anonymous) groups near you where you could attend for group support. I also found them very helpful as my abuser was also drinking heavily and I had a family member who was a cocaine user. Gather as many supports around you as possible.

[iwillbeok]

Hi Lifeafter, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this harrowing time! You wrote:

Today I have had 4 instances of dizzy and sickness feeling (bit like deja vu if that makes sense?). Has anyone else suffered this?

and this struck me quite close to home – I know this feeling exactly!! When my ex ramped up his emotional abuse to sexual abuse I had this feeling. My heart would pound, I felt sick to my stomach and like I was going out of my mind! It was like an out of body experience at the same time! This feeling let me know that I wasn’t imagining things; this was my gut instincts shouting at me that THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT!! This is a panic attack – due to his abuse of you. Our bodies know what our minds struggle sometimes to grasp. I am getting much better at listening to my inner voice (gut).

I reached my limit of living in this state and had my ex-husband arrested and have been no contact since. I have been free from him for quite a while now. It is rare now that I get this feeling – it’s more of a memory of the feeling (my legs feel like lead and my heart takes a funny turn) but it doesn’t last long as I take a few deep breaths and reassure myself that I am free.

You do not deserve to be treated in this monstrous way! Sending you hugs and strength – please reach out to as many resources as you can find to help you.

xx iwillbeok

[Lifeafter]

Thank you for the responses, really does help. Had yearly check up for bloods, blood pressure etc yesterday (had a heart scare (detail removed by Moderator) years ago so being monitored). Blood pressure through the roof and I had a total meltdown with the nurse and told her everything, she was so lovely but that made me feel worse as I don’t feel I deserve this kindness and sympathy. She booked me in for doc today who advised I was experiencing extreme anxiety. I come home to find my drawers etc had been ransacked again and a necklace lying on kitchen island. Straight away I know I’m in for trouble tonight. Was on phone to mum and he storms in throwing in my face, mum heard everything and was so upset and worried. He then states that he has spent all our savings at a casino and I’m not getting a penny. This is lies but due to him having all the money in his sister’s safe I cannot confirm this. He then comes down later on to tell me he is really ill and a broken man and it’s all my fault. I tried to show him a pic of us together whilst I was wearing that said necklace but as usual he ignored it and started his laughing and humiliation of me again. I’m really struggling to comprehend that I’m showing him pics of us together with me wearing the necklace but he still thinks someone else bought me It? So now after all our years together with me earning more money than him, paying for nice hols and generally a comfortable lifestyle, I find myself walking away with nothing and starting again. My brother has an ex wife who was emotionally abusive to him and he walked away (detail removed by Moderator) yrs ago so he is totally supportive of me and he has found a new love and says having a relationship with a “normal” human being is amazing! He also said rejected (detail removed by Moderator) are all the same which made me kinda smile. I’m hoping to be gone in 2 weeks and start again and look forward to coming home from work without a knot in my stomach xx

[Lifeafter]

He has finally agreed to leave on (detail removed by Moderator) but oh am I suffering for it before he goes! Brought his daughter round on (detail removed by Moderator) to “help him pack his stuff”, reality it was for them both to intimidate me. It’s like he knows he only has a couple of days left to abuse me and is really going for it. Although he has never physically hurt me he has threatened to throw me off the balcony once. He had a night of drugs last night so I kinda guessed what I was in for on getting home from work. I said something he didn’t like and just like that he threatened to “slit my throat”, just like that! I’m now frightened to go to bed and I’m up for work tomorrow. His behaviour is really getting worse, is this because he realises his control over me will soon be gone? Will he leave me alone after he leaves? He told me his ex wife was so evil and I’ve been on the receiving end of her in the past, he is now threatening that she is after me too! I’m so sick and exhausted by it all. Please tell me it gets better when they go or what I can do to stop it when he leaves x

[KIP.]

Hi, these men are most dangerous when we end the relationship. Threatening you is a serious escalation and should be reported to the police. I would stay away from him for your own safety. Stay at a friend until he moves out then change the locks immediately. Abusers always change the goal posts so he knows you already own the necklace, he just makes up stuff to justify his abuse. Stay safe and go total no contact once he’s gone x

[Lifeafter]

I finally did it and called the police on him! After threatening to kill me last night he got up early this morning all smiles and whistling asking if he could pick something up for our last supper together tonight, I said no thank you. Came home from work and house practically emptied. Yet another of his little games this morning as he knew he wasn’t gonna be here tonight. I’m really not bothered bout the stuff but my worry is due to getting no reaction from me, means he won’t stop and will do something worse to get the reaction he needs. Police from dv were amazing. I am applying for dv restraint order I think it’s Called? Anyone have any more info on this would be greatly appreciated as it was all a bit of a blur. As they don’t know where he is I believe there’s some sort of order on him to be picked up on sight and taken for interview. I’m a bit scared by all this as if they see fit to let him go (even though he has previous) that I will have to go to court. They found on their system that I had reported him years ago for his harassment but as usual I gave in and didn’t pursue it. I will definitely not make that mistake this time. It’s amazing how 2 strangers (police) can make you feel more self worth than the person supposed to love you! X

[KIP.]

Well done. Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice regarding your non molestation order. Someone we have known for five minutes can have better intentions than someone we’ve know our whole life x

[Lifeafter]

Police called to say he handed himself in (detail removed by moderator) and they were releasing him! He denied everything and played Mr charming as usual. How is this fair?? He abuses me for years, walks away free and I have to live with the aftermath and he gets to happily carry on. I have lost all faith and really at my lowest now, he has won and I bet he can’t wait to get back and tell everyone “what I put him through” and how “I’m still mad for getting police involved”. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs!!! This is not fair

[Lisa]

Hello lifeafter,

I just wanted to show you some support and to see how you are today? I am sorry that the Police let him go without charge. I am concerned that his behaviour might have escalated if he feels he has’got away with it?’? If you feel afraid please do speak to the helpline or the Police again. You could consider a refuge or perhaps an injunction against him. Did you give the Police a full report of his behaviour? Perhaps if you have other evidence such as abusive or controlling texts etc or statements from your doctor there could be a different outcome. You have been so brave.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

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