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I feel really stupid…. the first time he put his hands around my throat, I’d only been with him about (detail removed by moderator). If anyone I know told me their partner had done that, I’d say it was totally out of order, he left a bruise on my chest leaning on me while he did it. Pathetically I honestly thought (and still do to an extent) that I deserved it… for starting an argument. he was working away- it wasn’t long after I’d had a serious miscarriage (I nearly died)… i was still getting over it all when he left for this job. I went to stay with him and was a million miles out of my comfort zone. I felt so insecure. We were having sex and I wanted to stop, I felt panicked as it was so soon after the miscarriage, I don’t remember details of what was said but he got up to storm out… I stood in front of him to try and stop him and that’s when he put his hand around my throat. a Just feel so confused now thinking over all these things. I know I shouldn’t be looking for reasons why he did things because then I end up making excuses for him and blaming myself…like in that situation, I think I shouldn’t have been so stupid, and I shouldn’t have tried to stop him leaving… which is the never ending cycle. I’m just really really struggling. My friend said I was in a toxic relationship… but doesn’t that mean I was equally to blame?
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It’s very difficult trying to rationalise it all isn’t it? I believe that because there’s nothing rational about it. Early on in my relationship I too was taken aback by things he said and did yet ‘I too was too stupid to realise’. I think that one statement is an experience for most of us….how could I be so stupid…..
Thing is we’re not stupid, we were manipulated, controlled and duped. Somehow it was always turned around on us like we imagined it or were making a big deal out of nothing or quite simply it just didn’t happen. Ofcourse it happened.
There’s also that question that’s asked. Why does she stay? I now know it’s FOG. Everything is so confusing, we doubt ourselves, somehow lose ourselves. For me, I had to accept that he is an abuser. These relationships are toxic but who’s making it toxic??? All I seemed to do was pacify him because I knew what was coming. Maybe we fuel the toxicity by always trying to be the peace maker? I just think they thrive on the power and control they have/had over us.
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