Losing the plot

[Alone]

Feeling anxious for the first time in ages… So tired I’m probably overreacting and not making any sense!

As some of you may be aware, I am currently working six days a week, and have two jobs. My income is still too low for me to pay tax, so despite running myself into the ground, I’m not really earning that much. (Unless I get hit with an unexpected tax bill at some point!)

I was bullied at work, demoted, striped of responsibility and had my hours dramatically cut to a single figure a week. I couldn’t support myself, and not being able to give my family money meant the abuse increased and showed me exactly how little they really think of me, and made me finally realise I will never have an understanding or loving family. All of my friends cut me off during this difficult time, and even extended family disowned me when I started revealing abuse, so I am all alone in the world, and I hate it.

I am suffering from nightmares every single night. In them I am being attacked, or the world is ending, or my ex friends are there, either ignoring me when there is danger (either me in danger, or them and me trying to help), or they are there and we are reconciling. The reconciling dreams have me half asleep/half awake with a deep sense that everything will be okay with time, but then I wake up and don’t believe it at all and end up distressed.

Today I have a later start time at work so I went back to sleep twice this morning, thinking the rest would do me good, but instead of rest it just sent me back into more nightmares, and now I feel worse than if I had just got up early!

The work bully is away, there has been some management change and I have found some of my past responsibility has been offered back to me. I am far too tired to think clearly – I found myself telling them how committed I am and how I want to progress within the company, but that was my old goal. I don’t know if I’m saying that out of fear of losing my job in a few months (did I mention I’m being made redundant?) or if it’s what I actually want. I have a chance of showing what I can do before the bully returns, but I am also afraid of him coming back and snatching it all away again. Accepting it would also mean increasing my already exhausting hours and working seven days on occasion. I don’t know what I want and I’m too tired to think!

Once I’m made redundant and I have only the one job I’ll struggle to manage as the hours are low and overtime is hard to come by. So I feel a pressure to work so much right now out of fear of ending up in the same situation as last year – increased abuse and unable to support myself, and this time with no friends to get out and have a break with.

I can’t keep this up, but I feel like I have to, and it’s also keeping me away from sitting around feeling lonely and abandoned, but I miss everyone so much it hurts.. I’m so tired right now that I just want to cry, and I feel in a limbo because I don’t know what to expect for the future, or how to plan for it because I just can’t think clearly through the exhaustion. I don’t have a person in the world I can talk to..

With regards to sleep and nightmares, does anyone have any advice? I am considering trying the herbal tablets in the supermarket, but can’t help thinking they are just a placebo.

I’ve also been getting angry. Anger isn’t an emotion I have ever really had, so I don’t know how to deal with it. I had a beggar threatening me in the street, and I got so angry I verbally put him in his place. He’s now scared of ME! A lady carrying her umbrella by the middle part accidentally hooked my wrist with the handle and then accused me of trying to steal her umbrella! I took a deep breath and turned up my mp3 player and continued walking, but I was so angry, it ruined my day completely and started me off thinking about how I must have ‘abuse me’ written on my forehead and everything from the past was flooding into my mind. I forced myself to sing along to the music until I could put it out of my mind again.

It’s sheer exhaustion making me an emotional wreck, but I just don’t know how to get some dreamless sleep and I’m letting fear of the past repeating itself finish me off with overworking now!

I’m probably just moaning. I’m tired and don’t want to go to work. Five more shifts until I get a day off.

xx

[Whathaveidone]

Alone,
Firstly “Hi” (I’m new here). I’m so sorry to hear about what you are experiencing at work . I know you feel alone but you’re not in the sense that we’re all here listening to you and I’m definitely keeping you in my thoughts. I’m not really sure what to say to help or improve your situation other than that but I will be thinking about you and if something pops up in my mind I’ll tell you. As for the sleep, have you tried chamomile or lavender tea? you can get them from any supermaket. I don’t know if it wil elp the nightmares but itt’s supposed to help you feel relaxed and have a better nights sleep. It does work for me (but not all the time though).
Hugs,
Whathaveidone

[Alone]

Thanks, and welcome to the forum!

I bought supermarket own brand herbal ‘sleep aid’. I’m not sure whether they are helping, but the nightmares haven’t eased up at all. Right now I feel groggy and tearful and demotivated.

I’m yet to give a response to whether I will accept part of my old job back, I’m really not sure about it at all. I’m not sure whether I even want a transfer or if it’s fear of homelessness/change making me consider it. I don’t have a friend or family member in the world to talk through any of it with, and my tired brain can’t work anything out unemotionally right now. I’m waiting for my next work schedule to come out, but there’s a chance my six day working weeks will continue, and that it will be assumed I’ll take the old responsibility back and so even more hours could be put into those six days…

And someone who used to be a good friend but then let me down massively has got in touch, but I’m also not sure about that at all. I’m just so tired of being alone in the world, I have professional and sometimes jokey conversations at work, but the rest of the time I have no one to speak to, or hang out/relax with. It’s making me start to wonder once again why I bothered… I don’t want this life and the only thing stopping me from sinking into a depression is the fact that I’m so busy. I don’t understand why everyone started ignoring me :'( :'(

[Ayanna]

I simply cannot understand how it is possible to work six days a week and not earning a taxable income. Really, I am lost. Why would you do that? I would go homeless, get put up in a B&B and not work at all. And take everything from there. Away from the awful family, and getting a clear head ….

[Alone]

As I’ve said before, I was homeless for a period last year and received no help at all. I work in two jobs where you start getting paid once you clock in, breaks are unpaid and must be taken. It is not a regular income. In one job the shifts are only three hours 45 minutes long, in the middle of the day, leaving little time for anything else.

I feel like I’m constantly having to justify what I’m saying here… it’s a public forum so of course I can’t give precise details and can only state the facts. I work six days a week, and the pay is low so I’m not charged tax. I’d explain where I work, and show copies of pay slips and rotas, but it would identify me. Surely there should be an element of trust here, and understanding that we have to be careful with details without me having to constantly back up what I’m saying?

If it takes emailing my pay slips and rotas to the moderators so they can back up that I’m genuine, I can do so. But I shouldn’t have to. I am working hard to never be homeless again, it destroyed everything that gave my life meaning, and I’m extremely unhappy with the life I’m left with and constantly working to try to change that.

The letter I received when starting my second job said that tax is charged once earning something over £800 a month. I don’t earn that. I work three days in each job, hence working six days. As I’ve said, in one of the jobs the shifts are a small amount of hours, which I hate. I would rather work longer hours over less days and earn a decent amount. But I don’t have that luxury, so doing the best I can with what I have.

(details removed by moderator)

Take care everyone.

[Author]

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