Losing the strength to fight for help

[bluedolphin]

Sorry I guess this is a self-pity rant. I had to get it out somewhere.

I feel like giving up. I also wonder if it is me. I don’t know if I’m just difficult or if my local area doesn’t fund decent support. I had a bad experience with trying to get help from them a while back. Tried again and felt like crying when I didn’t before I called them. They refused to let me speak to someone at all unless I immediately gave my phone number. I just wanted some immediate advice about something. I can’t say too much here just in case he finds this. I was speaking anonymously with a neighbouring service for a few months and they have been very nice but I think they have lost patience with me. They did say they would give me an IDVA a few months ago but I missed my chance. I was too scared to do the risk assessment and give my details. They now say they can’t because my area doesn’t fund them.

I feel very alone because I can’t even post much here. There’s a chance he knows about this. I dont know for sure but it’s too risky to say anything much. I feel gagged. I need to sort myself out and get proper help but seem to be told now I have to do it alone.

I don’t understand why the websites like the national WA say things like it is dangerous leaving and it’s best to get help to guide you through. I feel now like I’m being greedy because I feel I need some personalised support – just meeting with an outreach worker once or twice to help me go through the various issues specific to me before I do anything final. I go over things in my head but that’s not the same especially because I feel so confused about so much and scared and that makes my thinking clouded.

[MsTaken]

Don’t feel greedy of course you need support. If you need to rant you could try ringing the Samaritan’s, they don’t ask for your details. However you shouldn’t worry about passing your details on to domestic abuse services and things, they won’t just turn up at your door and they won’t ring you without your permission. They understand what situation your in and wouldn’t do anything to risk your safety. Building up the confidence to get started is hard and everyone understands that. You could try the national domestic violence helpline. Or maybe try your doctors? They might be able to refer you to someone X

[bluedolphin]

Thanks MsTaken. I appreciate your reply. I don’t suppose it helps that I don’t feel able to post the details of things here. I have a particular decision that I need to make quickly regarding when to leave. It’s hard to know what’s best and safest. I want to leave with as little damage as possible.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable. The first service in my local area was through my doctor but they let me down a lot and broke my trust, but I don’t know if I should trust them afterall. She let me down when we first spoke but I called a few months later trying again. She wasn’t in but her office asked her to call me. She left a voicemail for me giving her mobile but also office number. When I called the office they answer with who they are. He was at home that day but luckily out when I listened to the voice mail, but he could have heard it. I thought she shouldn’t have left the message because it put me at risk.

She also reported back to my doctor after the phone call we had. I wasn’t told in advance this would happen. I didn’t want the whole GP practice to know especially one of the receptionists who isn’t very nice. At least I should have been told this would happen because I was led to believe it would be completely confidential.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with how I feel. Maybe I should try this service again but I feel a bit resentful towards them to be honest. When I first contacted them at that stage I had psyched myself up to leave. It was also a better time for me to leave. She spoke briefly on the phone and told me I sounded like I wasn’t ready for help. I just needed some hand-holding. She didn’t even do the risk assessment when for once I was ready mentally to do it. I lost my nerve for months after that.

My only other option locally is WA. They have been horrible several times now. I tried to go in person to their weekly drop-in. Got there shortly before they were closing but so did another lady. We both thought they were open later because they used to be. The woman who spoke to me was really cold and had a whatever attitude. I was frightened because the police had been called by a neighbour. If she had said she didn’t have time to talk then and there but told me to call back the next day I would have coped better, but she just said I don’t know about the police and if you need help just go to the council. She didn’t offer an outreach worker.

I tried my WA again this week. The person who answered refused to let me even speak to anyone unless I gave my phone number. I wanted to try out how I felt with who I spoke to before giving details to see if I felt I could trust them.

Sorry for this long vent. I suppose I’m trying to work things out for myself so I understand if no-one reads for replies.

[MsTaken]

It does sound like you’ve been quite unlucky when trying to get support. I don’t really know how it works with the gp but everything should be confidential and the receptionist shouldn’t be commenting on any information they find out or they will be sacked. I think you should keep trying with the helpline. Try to explain how you feel about the service you’ve had and see what they say. I’m sorry I can’t be much help to you

[Lisa]

Hi bluedolphin,

I just wanted to check in with you to see how you’re doing. I’m so sorry to read about the negative experience you’re having trying to get the right support in place. You are not being unreasonable. It’s completely understandable that you are hesitant to give your phone number initially, especially as previous experiences will have made you nervous. You are right to try to make sure that accessing support does not compromise your safety.

If you would consider calling the 24 hour National Helpline again, they may be able to guide you on how best to try to get the support you need, and to look for any other alternatives.

If you are concerned about safety online please have a look through our ‘Covering your tracks online’ section.

Kind Regards and keep posting when you feel you can,

Lisa

[maddog]

You don’t sound unreasonable, BlueDolphin, you sound terrified. When I first contacted the police, I asked them not to speak to my husband as I felt that he would escalate his reign of terror. It is a very frightening time. Is your gp any help at all? Mine gave me loads of stuff to stop my heart exploding and my head falling off. I am bordering on being chemically coshed. But it is better than the alternative.

It can feel like a bit of a minefield. You will get there.

[bluedolphin]

I just really wanted to thank everyone for the replies. It really is appreciated. It makes me feel not quite so alone, which I very much do right now. I’m sorry my posts are so long. I don’t expect anyone to read it but it is somewhere for me to vent I suppose.

I thought it was me and I was being difficult but it seems my council massively underfunds domestic violence services. They used to fund a really good support service but now do the cheapest option, and it seems to be cheap for a reason.

The other service they no longer fund is what I think would have helped. Someone willing to meet with me or listen to me for a few sessions before making me decide what to do from the limited options I have. I feel I need that emotional support but it’s not on offer here. They also have specialist domestic violence counselling and I would like that but would cope with waiting for that if I had to. The immediate hand-holding is what I kind of feel I need now. I guess I’m being too needy. He says I am but I think he’s made me like that.

I tried the drop in again. I don’t get the point of it. It seems a waste of the hire of the room. They were nice enough but just said to either speak to the police or apply for housing. They didn’t offer to guide me through the process. The housing person said they couldn’t tell me whether I would get any help. I don’t see why they were there if I have to do it on my own. They didn’t ask to do the risk assessment or offer me an IDVA. I feel so alone. I don’t feel up to doing it on my own. When I asked for support they suggested social services. I feel like I’m being made to wait for help until he attacks me again or I have a complete breakdown. I wanted help before it got so bad.

The national number told me I’d get someone to help me with doing that especially because councils try to turn you away and I’ve experienced that in the past. I also don’t know how to apply without him finding out in case they write to me.

I am planning to try my GP again. I did try last week but they thought it was about one of my health conditions and then time ran out. They were really busy that day though and the GP seemed more stressed than usual. I have been taking medication for anxiety but they won’t give me much because they say it’s too addictive. It helps though what I have at least I get some sleep.

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