Losing the will to live

[Alone]

I’m probably being highly inappropriate, I don’t even know anymore. Feeling stressed, so my typing is rushed and emotional, I hope I make sense!

Things just seem to keep getting worse, I have so much spinning in my head that it’s hard to write it out clearly. Some will know I was abused by my mum, who passed away at home. Since then, living with a sibling, he has continued the abuse. It is bringing up so much for me – was my mum really abusive? Was it him all along, whispering in her ear, knowing she suffered depression and paranoia and would be easily influenced? Was our relationship ruined just for his enjoyment? Or am I being abused again…? Am I just someone people want to hurt, or am I some kind of monster who brings that out in people??

I haven’t had time to process my mum’s death, as some know, I work two jobs, six days a week. The pay isn’t great – I don’t earn enough to pay tax. I have no life whatsoever, as I never have time to do anything, see anyone, or even rest. My attempts to go full time in one job and work only four-five days a week didn’t work out.

I am getting ill.. I was diagnosed with exhaustion, there are physical side effects as well as poor concentration and memory loss. I have mentioned before that my nose was tearing, which I was told is a stress/exhaustion symptom, but I also sleep beneath black mould, so I can’t help being in two minds about the actual cause. This time around, my nose tears don’t seem to be healing, and have spread just below the nose, so very visible, and for someone who works with people – well you can imagine it won’t be long before it really impacts on my job, aside from being painful.

He is being so cruel to me – since Christmas he has found a new way of torturing me. He stands in front of the boiler so I can’t adjust the water temp, and then when I’m taking a bath, he switches it to cold water. I’m then in there, screaming at him to put the hot water back on, and he completely refuses. My living situation has got worse – I tried to build furniture on my own, large pieces that need two people, and I was unable to be in two places at once to put the sides together, so it collapsed on top of me and broke. So I am still living out of boxes, and now that I moved them all around to make room for furniture, I can’t find anything. I’ve still got all the pieces of furniture laying around, in case I can find a way to fix the parts that broke when it collapsed on me. So it’s very cluttered with no space at all.

Due to everything being packed up, I have only one pair of trousers. I rushed home from work last night, threw them in the washing machine and put them on the radiator to dry. I expressed the urgency of needing them for today, and then today I discover the radiator was turned off after I’d gone to bed, so they are soaking wet! I’ve got nothing to wear to go out and run my chores, and this being my weekly day off, means I had a lot to do! They were so wet I might even have to wash them again…

He keeps telling me to get out, but I can’t afford to and I know he doesn’t mean it because he works part time and I work every hour I can to make ends meet. It’s still cheaper than paying for a room around here, and I need to try to find money to start saving for dental surgery I urgently need, I am struggling to eat with my constant abscesses!

He refuses to clean or tidy anything. His rubbish from the past few days is scattered all over the kitchen floor. If he vomits somewhere, he leaves it for me to clean up. He is absolutely disgusting!!

I feel like no matter what I do in life, I will always be abused. I think it’s the universe’s way of telling me I was a mistake…

He asks me questions that can lead to him attacking my character, for example to list ways in which I help people.. and then every single thing I say is twisted to be selfish and cruel.

I am constantly telling family what he is doing, but everyone turns a blind eye. Not a single person will help or try to get him to live like a human being, rather than a filthy animal.

I can’t take it anymore, and I don’t see any reason to continue to make all my attempts to improve things, because despite the fact that they always fail and end up making things worse, what have I actually got? I have no friends, no family. No money, no home to relax in, pretty close to having no health and I’ll probably have no jobs soon if the physical symptoms of my failing health continue the way they are.

Really feeling sorry for myself at the moment! Feeling desperate and sick of it all

[KIP.]

Hey there. Being trapped with a nasty abuser like that will play havoc with your mental and physical health. You really need to get out. Can you look to rent a room in another part of town? Or even transfer work to another town altogether. And move there. Perhaps your GP could help you or a place in a women’s refuge meantime. Ring the helpline for advice. Your local council may have something for you. Anywhere is better than a damp room with someone like him.

[Anonymous]

Hi – I’m so sorry things are so bad for you and I can relate to some of how you’re feeling. My head is spinning today and this has been happening quite a lot recently – I think I’m worrying myself sick with stress and fear about it all. I also relate to sometimes wondering if I’ll ever have an abuse-free life (I had abusive parents and then abuser partner).

I can’t stay here long whenever I come on. Partly because I’m not feeling well, and so my typing is also rushed sorry. I don’t feel able to help myself properly yet (I do have a telephone appointment with someone tomorrow so hopefully they will help me) but perhaps I can help you in some small way (sorry if I can’t).

I just wanted to say that please if there is anyway at all that you could get out and find somewhere else to live, please do. Don’t end up like me being too ill to work at all and then having no way out because of no money. I also live in an expensive area but perhaps you could find a room as a lodger or something? I know it’s so hard because even when working I was also on a very low income (because of illness limiting what work I could do and the abuse didn’t help), but right now you are able to work but the longer you stay with abuse the more chance of becoming more ill.

Perhaps get a sick note to have a little bit of time off work (but paid because of sick leave) and try to leave? Maybe even go to a cheaper area (could you do the work you do in another area?).

I suppose you may feel like me. I feel I’ve lost my confidence and it’s so hard to feel confident enough to make the changes to leave, but I really hope you can get away and can keep your health and stay working.

I had a bad experience with the helpline but spoke to someone very kind today and they will offer you help to leave. Or perhaps get him out if that’s safe for you?
xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi Alone,

Its good to hear from you. Glad you posted for support. Your situation is deteriorating along with your health.

This is too much for any person to cope with on their own. Could you ring Women’s Aid and get their support? And keep posting on here and reading the posts even if its only 5 mins a day, check in with us for support.

Your brother is not going to change. It doesn’t matter if he was the primary abuser and your mother’s minion or if your mum was the primary abuser and he her lieutenant. They both choose to hurt another person intentionally. I had a similar dynamic in my family. My mum was the primary abuser, my brother chose to join my mum and adopted her behaviours against me. I was the scapegoat in the family (as you were). Apparently it is better to be the scapegoat (better chance of healing and living a life free from abuser) than to be the golden child and mini-me of the abuser as our brothers were. We keep are own minds. We were chosen because the abusers knew we would never join them in their abuse. However the golden child has less courage than the scapegoat in the family and will join forces with the abuser out of fear of becoming a target. But long-term they are brain-washed by the abuser and can never truly be free. I don’t know what recovery rates are for abuser’s flying monkeys. I know recovery rates for an abuser to change is 0.05%.

I have a hunch that your nose tears are due to the mould. Living with mould is very bad for ones health.

Could you change jobs where accommodation was provided eg nanny or au pair. I know one needs energy to move and you are exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally from having been badly abused by your entire family for years and now your brother continuing the abuse and you are in an already weakened state. Women’s Aid may have some suggestions. Please gather lots of support.

Your health will improve if your work hours could be reduced. If your living space changed so you live without mould and not with your brother. Your health will improve quite quickly, you have youth on your side. I know that feeling of not having the energy to make these changes but maybe posting on here/reading the posts will re-energize you to make changes.

Also most abusers are disgusting. They love chaos, mayhem and filth. Mine is disgusting in his ways. But he has remained disgusting in his habits but difference is I don’t have to be around it anymore. Your abuser-sibling will continue with his disgusting habits, this you can’t control, we are powerless over other people and their habits. The only thing you can change is how long you choose to be around a person like that.

Keep posting for support and guidance and help in moving away from your brother and finding a job with an income that supports you with normal working hours.

[Alone]

I apologise, I am currently in no fit state to respond to the messages left here right now!

Just had a massive incident with my brother. I haven’t slept any earlier than 5am in over a week, and yes – still working six days a week, so you can imagine how exhausted I am! Started getting a bath ready so I could relax and head to bed, and then I heard him opening the boiler cupboard, so I stood and watched him lowering the water temperature. I didn’t say a thing, just stood and watched. Once he realised he’d been caught he attacked! Verbally, emotionally…

I had my phone in my hand, and started recording him. He uses every single thing I say to him, back at me! He claims the whole family says things about me, he starting saying specific things. He claimed that I hit him daily!! I have NEVER laid a finger on him!! He’s asleep when I go to work, and I’m getting a bath ready and going to bed on the rare occasion I’m home first, otherwise he’s in bed when I get home as well! When are these daily beatings supposed to be happening?

He claims the rubbish he has left all over the floor was me, during a temper tantrum. He put it there!!!!

I can’t take this, I find myself sitting here wondering if it’s true that the whole family does talk about me, and that they do believe the things he’s saying, and that’s why they turn a blind eye. He’s got me questioning myself and what i’m doing to make people treat me like this… I don’t want to live this life anymore!! I sent a message to another sibling, saying I need answers to the things I’ve recorded him saying. I’m being ignored.

All I wanted was to take a bath and go to bed… Why does this keep happening? What am I doing? Why don’t I know I’m doing it?

[KIP.]

Look up Gaslighting. You need to move out because things will never change with him. Look into renting a room or ask about a refuge place. Have you tried Women’s Aid helpline?

[Alone]

But what if it is me? How do I know?

I’m drinking right now to try to drown out the thoughts and worries… also trying not to contact someone I used to know who has been through this.. I’ve drunk half a bottle of whiskey, I just need to switch my brain off, and then eventually try to get that bath I’ve been wanting for hours :'( Sorry, I can’t think clearly right now, so stressed. I haven’t called the helpline since my mum was alive

[KIP.]

It’s not you. And if you move out you will see that it’s not you. You actually caught him turning the heating down. Drinking won’t help it just makes everything worse. Ring the helpline x

[Alone]

I’m sorry that I’m in no fit state to reply properly, but I want to say thank you for looking out for my posts and replying. Will try to answer properly when I can. I couldn’t call now because he’s here, but is the helpline 24 hours? I think it is… work is going to be interesting the next few days after this!!

xx

[Freedomfighter]

Alone, please report all this and get help. It is Not you. You are not crazy, not to blame and do Not deserve to be treated like this. He’s torturing you on purpose, messing with your head, lying and denying or shifting the blame on to you. It’s what these monsters do. Please get help. Now is the best time if you’re worried you won’t be believed. You have your recording and an injury to back up your story. There’s lots of help and support out there. You just have to reach out and ask for help. I was afraid no one would believe me too, but no one has doubted me even without any evidence. Please get help today, you can’t keep going on like this.
Abusers usually target Good, kind, gentle woman, none of us deserve to be treated like this. They are just evil creatures who get a sense of power from hurting innocent people. You are being targeted again now by your brother because he knows you won’t fight back or report him.
Please get help today. Stay safe

[Author]

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