- This topic has 2 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Feeling the same sick, squeezed, self-editing, boundary violated feelings I remember from being with him. But in the strange twist that is my life, this is from the opposite of a flying monkey! Why can’t my abuse follow the same patterns as anyone else? I could read books and articles galore and watch youtube vids till my eyes and ears hurt and I would find answers, advice. But so little in my story fits the pattern. It was so subtle, so long term; all my lightbulbs are in hindsight. It was such a whirlwind of escalation, arrest, freedom. I have had to untangle memories and feelings that are caught up in manipulation and gaslighting. I struggle now to know which way is up, decisions and action are so so hard. I can’t seem to get out of my own way.
I now can at least recognise those feelings above as being those where my boundaries are being pushed at, unintentional as it may be.
I was close with my MIL initially, but over the years, with both his increasing isolation and my shame (realised in hindsight) I put up a wall between us; not a big one, but a distance, keeping her at arms length. I decided I needed to tell her we had separated as I didn’t want her to hear through the grapevine. It was one of the hardest calls to make. I didn’t give them the full details, things were too still raw. Fast forward, and I informed them I had filed for divorce. He had still not told them we had separated. They thought he was hiding behind his father’s ill health (I think in retrospect this was a convenient excuse; that in reality he is a coward and in addition has no respect for them). It was an emotional conversation, with what I felt like was some validation (reading between the lines as we still skirted around the fact the split was due to DV).
My FIL was going to confront him. But he never got that chance. His ill health caught up with him and he died.
Fast forward again, ex still hasn’t said anything to MIL. I just don’t get it!! Am I just not mentioned? Or does she ask “How is iwillbeok?” “She’s fine.” End of. ??!!
So the reason I’m feeling boundary attacked, is I get a msg from her asking for our relative addresses. My initial reaction (usually the right one!) is “Ask him your f**king self!!” But of course I don’t reply with that. Ever the empath, I want to make things as smooth as possible for everyone. Further down in her message she says she is worried about upsetting everyone. After passing of FIL, a lot of things became clear to me. FIL was abusive, ex’s sister is abusive, ex is abusive and MIL has been in similar situation to me – no voice, self-editing, discounted by her family and treading on eggshells. And we both continue to do so!
I haven’t replied as yet, it usually takes me a few days to come up with the right words. She is still in the dark as to what happened. God, why couldn’t he have cheated or something? That would have been so much easier. But I still carry the shame of the rapes. How could I possibly tell her as she comes through the grief of losing her husband, that I’m divorcing her son because he raped me? What if she doesn’t believe or support me (despite all her messages of same)? No-one, not one person, has said to me that they don’t believe me. I don’t know now that I could handle that. She has said in the past that she didn’t want to say anything for fear of getting me ‘in trouble with him’. Is that validation right there?
I’m just so tired of overthinking everything, of trying to keep everyone’s best interests at heart, of not being able to trust my own judgement, of wanting someone else to take this burden away, of needing to ask someone else “What should I do?”. I’m a grown woman FFS! But I feel like a lost, confused child.
Just like he said I was.
-
Hi I Will Be Ok,
Your ex probably hasn’t told her because such a conversation if too ‘real.’ If they have a relationship, it’s probably not a honest one- as you phrase it, it’s ‘edited’- he only wants to tell her the things that make him look good. He avoids communicating the rest.
She may have been a victim too, but she still needs to face reality- just as you have. If you think she’s too vulnerable to hear things in detail, you could paraphrase it, for example say that abuse occurred, and that you need some space to heal but wish her well.
She is able to get support of she needs, just as you have done. She is recently bereaved and a victim, yes, but she is an adult. And you are entitled to have space to heal and to not have contact with his family if it triggers you or isn’t based on honesty and confrontation of the truth.
I don’t know what her reaction will be to hearing the truth. But some relatives of the perpetrator may go into denial mode. They may be hen try to get the victim to continue in their version of the truth, a fake dance, for appearance’s sake or because they feel the truth is too hard to face. But your truth is too important to be denied or minimised.
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
