Lost all hope

[Newbeginnings1234]

People have been telling me for months to go to my GP to try to get some support and I finally did a few months ago. I was referred to a local mental health service but I’ve just had an assessment and been told that it’s unlikely that I’ll be offered any therapy as I go to a support group and that should be enough. I told her the counselling I’m having hasn’t helped so she suggested that I stop going and just call the Samaritans whenever I need someone to talk to. This is the reason I put off going to my GP for so long, it was my last hope of getting any help and now that’s been taken away and I have no other options left. The woman I spoke to was really nice and I expected her to say that there was a long waiting list, but I didn’t expect to not be offered anything at all. The support group that I’m going to seems helpful, but it’s quite a short course of sessions and I don’t feel able to talk openly yet. It also seems like everyone else in the group has received lots of support from the same people that have refused to help me, so it left me wondering what I’ve done to deserve it. I need actual therapy but I’ve ran out of options. The thing that upsets me the most is that my Husband would frequently pretend to be suicidal to get out of going to work and he received loads of support (he would text me while he was there telling me how happy he was that his plan worked and that people actually believed him). He’s having the time of his life and seems to be doing better than ever while I can’t sleep or eat, I don’t leave the house unless I have to, I don’t have any friends and I think about the things he’s done every second of every day. Nowhere feels safe (apart from my flat) and I feel like I don’t have any future, I’ll never achieve anything and I’ve ruined my whole life. The guilt that I feel about walking out and leaving him with no warning is overwhelming. It’s all my fault, I should have listened to my friends when they told me not to go out with him. I should have realised what was going on much earlier than I did. I should have left earlier. I should have called the police. I should never have married him. It feels like that first message he sent me ruined my whole life and I’ll never get it back. Sorry for being so depressing, I feel like I only ever post negative things, but I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Lisa]

Hi NewBeginnings,

I’m sorry to hear about what’s happened. You’ve taken a really important step in asking for help and to get a knock back like this is always going to be upsetting so don’t apologise for posting. Even though this is a set back please try not to let it stop you from seeking more help. You could try the Counselling Directory on 0333 325 2500 who should be able to help you find someone suitable. There’s also BACP (the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) who might be able to help on 01455 883300.

Your local domestic abuse service may be able to offer you specialised domestic abuse counselling, or be able to give you some advocacy with this local mental health service who have said you can’t access their support and explain why they think you would benefit from their help.

Please do keep reaching out for help,

Lisa

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks, I’ll see if I can find someone. I’ve contacted my local domestic abuse service before but they said they can’t help me as the abuse is historic and there’s no immediate risk. The other domestic abuse service which runs the support group does offer counselling but I think there’s a long waiting list. Rape crisis also has a waiting list that’s a year long. My GP suggested CBT or EMDR but I can’t afford it so I’ll have to either carry on seeing the counsellor I’m already seeing or find another one that I can afford.

[fizzylem]

Sounds like an inexperienced health prof NB?

Firstly, the reason its advised one therapy at a time, is not because ‘you’re getting enough already’ from the support the group; its usually because more than one therapy at a time can conflict. In the same way two parents argue – so one needs to be finished before another starts.

In the NHS, to tell someone in need to go away and call the Samaritians is actually unethical and a breech in their duty of care. Sounds like she’s trying to fob you off to me because of waiting list pressure maybe? If you put your foot down she’d have to respond and find you a service – dont tell people that do they – sadly this happens a lot these days and it’s disgusting.

The counsellor you are seeing now, is it with an organisation? Only if it is you could ask to see someone else there. Just say, you’d like to try someone else to see if there’s a beter therapeutic match, this one is lovely but it doesnt feel like her approach is helping.

You tried googling ‘improving access to psychological therapies’ and your ‘area’? There will likely be a number of providers – and you dont need a GP to refer you – you can self refer and they are all NHS funded places. Sounds like this is where you are at presnt with this support group and the assessment; sadly, the quality of care from each provider to provider varies a lot, some great, others not so – all working under a time pressure to get them in and out though; which is nthing to do with you and this should not impact on your care.

Try not to compare where you are with your husband; comparing ourselves to others only leads to misery; its really not helful, if you can recognise this, catch yourself doing it; you can tell yourself, nope not going there. Thing is, its ‘never’ really how you imagine it is either.

Hell of a lot of shoulds there, can you make a list of dids, dones and dos? To redress the balance?

Youre out! And that is to be celebrated; but the thing wth this is the next bit, afterwards, is recovery hey and rebuilding. Youve got this, takes time, but we can get you there x

[fizzylem]

Also, are you aware that the best therapists offer what is called a sliding scale, meaning that if you say you are worried about money, they will ask what could you afford? Some take as low as a fiver! Youre looking for someone with expereince is domestic abuse and trauma; a min of several years. If someone seems more interested in their fee than your care then walk away, being on a low income can be a useful tool to find the right therapist, I dont mean go for the cheapest, these are often to be avoided too; go for someone with experience who genuinely wants to help and can; who meets your needs from the get go and continues to do so, every step of the way. Dont let the published fee put you off; if you like the sound of the therapist call anyway, ask if they offer a sliding scale, if they do make an appointmnet to meet and if not, then you’ve saved yourself a lot of time and money and can move a bit closer to finding the one right for you x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, yes the counsellor I’m seeing is with an organisation and she’s actually suggested that maybe I should see someone else as she has a lot going on in her life at the moment which is affecting the amount of time she can spend with clients. I’m not sure whether to try going somewhere else as I think they all use the same technique which doesn’t seem to be working for me, but I’ve just looked at some other places and it seems the place I’m going to is actually quite cheap compared to other places. Counsellors who have training in domestic abuse charge more than double what I’m paying now. I think IAPT was what I went to, I self-referred so it sounds similar. The annoying thing is that if I had a job then I would maybe be able to afford something like EMDR but I don’t think I would be able to handle a full time job at the moment unless I get some kind of help. I’m already dreading finding a job as it is, but I have no choice as I’m living off of savings at the moment. I didn’t expect to go this long without a job. The woman who did the assessment did say she’d talk to her supervisor and call me back, but she made it sound like I wouldn’t be offered anything. It’s just upsetting as going to my GP has always been my back up plan in case I got really desperate as I knew that once that last bit of hope was taken away then I’d feel even worse. I’d hoped that I’d be offered therapy, even if I had to wait a long time, then I could stop paying for counselling and save some money, but it looks like that’s not going to happen. I think I’ll just wait until I get a call back just to be sure, but if I’m still not offered anything then maybe I’ll contact some other counsellors, or maybe I’ll ask the person that runs the support group about counselling through their organisation. Thank you so much for your support, it helps to know that there are people that care xx

[fizzylem]

If she gets back to you and says no, say you’d like her to put it in writing to you then please with reasons as to why not, and you’d also like to complaint to the service manager as well so could you have the name and contact details for this person; you’ll be amazed at how this gets them falling over to help; and it will also guarantee you get the best care as well, so you’ve got nothing to lose here; they are in breach here as I say if they don’t.

Try someone else at this agency, even if they use the same aproach – it isnt the approach that heals – it’s the therapeutic relationship; and the experience of the therapist in DA and trauma is also a key factor.

EMDR will only give you a small piece of what you need anyway – there are no miracle approaches here.

Ideally, what you need is to find someone who wont place a time limit of the amount of sessions really; but if you have to keep having a block here and there this will also help.

I hear yer, I havent worked now for four years; my savings are gone now; thinking I’ll be able to get back to some form of work in the summer now though. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but there are women on here who maintain a job – I dont know how but they do, but I guess what I’m saying is it will come, when you are ready. Quite literally costs thousands knowing him doesnt it, and the cost is never purely financial, if only it was! You will get this wealth back once you get past this, so for now do what you need to do x

[fizzylem]

You might be able to get EMDR through one of these IAPT services – if they provide it then there’s no reason why not – the only thing that stps women like us accessing this is when we’re not out – you have to be out first – and you are x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, those are some good suggestions, I’ll try them xx

[fizzylem]

Dont think I explained it very well the reason for trying another couunsellor in this organisation with the same approach NB; therapists intepret the disciplin and how they work with it differently, meaning their delivery is always different from one person to the next, they also draw from other approaches, so this changes things up again, there’s not really such a thing as a purist with experience, as the therapist clocks up years, so does their range of training, skills and knowledge and they will draw from ‘what helps’ rather than stick to one approach – the good ones do anyway, the ones with experience.

Different people make a better match with each other, as in friendships, two people can have the same therapeutic approach, but only one of those therapists is a match for you. We almost always need to try a few different therapists before we find out match. Its worth a try; you’ve done what can feel like the hard bit already, raised the issue, so it wont hurt to give someone else a try. They should actually make this process very easy for you really, get that it takes courage and honesty to do for most – something they are trying to help everyone they see in therapy to find hey.

It doesnt really matter what approach is used really, its whether the therapist can meet your needs, its a strong therapeutic alliance you are looking for, do I like this person, do I aspire to be like her? Calm, self aware, compassionate, understanding. Is she helping me learn here? Teaching me with research? Offering sound guidance. Is she asking me the RIGHT questions here? And thus giving me what I need?

Its the relationship that heals, not the approach, but the therapist needs at least several years of experience of working with trauma and DA as well.

Lets get this sorted for you; its ruubbish we have to hunt, fight and seek out this help and care, but sadly it is also just how it is; because only you know what is right for you once you find it x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks, I think the counsellor I’m seeing has a lot of experience, but not necessarily with domestic abuse (I might be wrong though). I just feel like sitting and talking to someone maybe isn’t enough, I feel like I need someone to give me advice and guidance rather than just listening. We also don’t really talk much about anything that happened with my Husband, and I feel like talking about it would help but it’s too difficult to talk about. There are lots of things that she doesn’t even know about but it’s been so long now that I can’t really bring it up. She’s also one of the only people that’s been supportive, so I’m scared that if I find someone else they’ll make me feel worse like everyone else has. To be honest, I think what I really need is a friend that I can talk to about things, but all my friends have stopped talking to me and even if I make new friends I won’t be close enough to them to talk about anything. When I first left people would talk to me quite often because they wanted to know everything that was going on but once my Husband stopped contacting me, everyone else did as well. It’s like they were only interested when there was drama going on and once that stopped it was too boring for them. I feel so pathetic constantly staring at my phone hoping that someone will message me but nobody ever does. It’s been months since anyone other than my parents has messaged me. I feel like I’ve wasted what were supposed to be the best years of my life (and I’m still wasting them). Anyway, I’m just rambling now, maybe I’ll ask my counsellor if there’s anyone at the same organisation that she could recommend xx

[fizzylem]

Yeah sounds like ’emotional support’ only, she’s not offering you relevant research / info to help you understand and make sense, guidance, is she; and shes not asking the right qs to help draw out what you need. If you feel she doesnt get DA that’s because she doesnt, yes there’s a gap in her knowledge here. Like you say, it’s a help, but you need others to help as well, but maybe dont get rid of her yet, wait until you have a replacement for her as she is helping you to not feel alone and supporting you, meeting an emotional need, and this holds value hey, especially atm.

I know what you mean, I dropped off the planet for a very long time with firends, as I didnt want to talk to them about it anymore and felt I had nothing else to say or to offer while I was still in it – in recovery; but I did need to talk, and so do you, with others that understand and who do get it, then you dont have to explain means you get what you need. Have you tried the freedom program? Could google to see if there’s a group running in your area, can be a great way to meet women who share similar experiences, women who also need to talk about it so you end up feeling your supporting each other, rather than the difficult feelings that come up with friends who have never been through a similar thing.

I see some of these friends again now, now I’m in a better place, but I rarely talk about it as I want these relationships to be a break from it and fun, you know, a friendship, I can talk if i want to, and sometimes do, but only a bit and only if I need to, guess i do this because these relationships help me to feel good just by being a good friend, and that is about listening, giving, support, laughs and doing fun things together isnt it – and for ages I just didnt have anything left to give – abuse leaves us emptied doesn’t it; when you feel ready you’ll pick up the phone and call one or two I’m sure. You will also probably find you have no desire anymore for some of them and this is healthy; after, I found I had no more time for any relationships that didnt make me smile, were anything less than kind. It’s a bit of cleanse, out with old and in with new, keeping a few of the ones you’d like to keep.

Can you go join any activities close by? Yoga? Meditation? Anything you’ve thought sounds interesting? Might do that later? I found that to start ‘being’ with people was good for me, to feel sociable, meets a need, when you’re in a group like this, the beauty of it is you can go and not say a word, or you can get involved in some chatter, its entirely up to you, and you know no one will ask you any personal or difficult questions – I found much value in this, helped me to feel reconnected with folk, in a healthy way, gave me some stepping stones back into life really. The activity also helped me to feel I was taking good care of myself so this helps as well.

My WA support worker helped no end, you tried to get one of these? Have read mixed feelings and experiences on here, some strike lucky others not so much. What has been one of the best things for me was meeting a woman on here; she’s been amazing, my hero, always full of love and support, and much wisdom, and much further out and down the line than I am. I have really needed her at times, shes got me through. Feels she’s a true friend now. Anyone on here you feel a bit of a connection with yet? Could maybe start to PM someone, guess some will and some wont want to take it any further, which is about where we are the moment isnt it and not about you the person. We dont live near by to one another but we speak a lot. Just another thought. It takes time to get the right support but it will happen NB, you need rest inbetween trying dont you.

Youve identified what you need right now – which is great, a friend in someone who gets it, someone also affected by DA, now just got to put out some feelers and get one x

[Newbeginnings1234]

I did the Freedom program online as it’s not available in my area. I think it probably would have been more helpful to go to it in person, but that wasn’t an option. I’ve looked into activities in my area to try to meet people but there doesn’t seem to be much available. I’m hoping that once I find a job I might be able to meet people that way. I’ve had a couple of support workers when I was in a refuge but I only saw each of them once and they made everything worse, one of them was so horrible to me that I was too scared to talk to her again as she made me feel exactly how my Husband used to make me feel. I also had an IDVA and she was helpful at first but then she texted me saying she was closing my case after quite a short period of time, leaving me to deal with a police investigation completely on my own. I haven’t really connected that much with people on here, although they’re all really supportive. I’ve never really thought about messaging anyone privately, I suppose I just don’t want to get on people’s nerves or put people in a bad mood. Thank you for being so helpful and supportive, I really appreciate it xx

[Newbeginnings1234]

An update on the situation: she spoke to her supervisor and said that they were going to discharge me without offering me any support. She said they only help with general anxiety and depression and not anything related to past experiences (even though their website says they help with PTSD). She told me I needed some time to process everything that’s happened and then maybe refer myself back, but it’s processing everything that I need help with. So I went back to a different GP and asked to be referred to the mental health team but he said no. He said he’s going to write a letter to the service that I went to, asking them whether they’ll change their minds and offer me some help, but I already know the answer will be no. He suggested moving back to the area I’m from, even though I told him that I couldn’t because my Husband would know where I live. He said that if the other service turns me away again then my only option is to pay for counselling. He said that they don’t usually turn people away, so they obviously don’t believe me and don’t think I deserve any support. I’ve given up with asking for help now, no matter how bad things get I’ll never tell anyone ever again. If I ever end up in another abusive relationship I won’t leave or tell anyone, it just makes everything worse.

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m sorry you’re having such a bad time. I could have written a lot of what you wrote myself.

I think there’s a crisis with mental health support at the moment so your experience isn’t your fault at all, the services are failing you.

I think you should rest and up self care, then do the opposite of not asking for support and instead double down on asking. When I left I rang all these places, I have no idea who I rang now I was in such a bad state. I’ve had bits of support but it’s been sporadic and extremely frustrating. I had a v limited no. of sessions with a charity. I saw a counsellor at another charity who was terrible and defended my ex! She didn’t understand abuse at all. I saw about 8 therapists before finding one decent one but since it was free I only got a few sessions when I could have done with about a year or two!! I got rejected from community mental health until I wrote them a letter explaining every thing and they changed their mind and have met me to discuss myy situation, I’m just waiting to here if and what they can offer.

Basically it’s rubbish out there with tonnes of people needing help and not enough funding. I do think we can find help eventually though but we can’t give up.

I also had two domestic abuse support workers who clearly didn’t like me and made me feel worse so reading what you went through made me feel better as I’ve always felt troubled by that, thinking I must be really unlikeable or something. But I think like in any job, you get abusive staff who are in it for a power trip.

You just have to keep reaching out elsewhere and not giving up. Think of your inner child and if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for her. That’s what has helped me a lot. Our inner children don’t deserve any of this (and neither do we), they and we deserve only love and kindness.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, to be honest I can’t ask anyone else for support as I’ve already tried everywhere, my GP was the last option. I’ll see what the other mental health service say but even if they did agree to refer me again, I don’t know if I even want to go back as they would only be helping me because they were asked to by my GP, not because they wanted to. I could understand if he’d referred me to the mental health team but there was a long waiting list, but to refuse to refer me at all just made me feel even worse. He said that even if it was an emergency and I ended up in a&e then he still wouldn’t refer me, he would just encourage me to take medication. I’ll have another look into counselling and see if there’s anything I can afford, hopefully that might help x

[Cecile]

I wondered if therapists are not yet trained in working with victims of coercive control. We can some symptoms of PTSD, and the social ‘blind eye’ turned to the non violent aspects is for me the hardest mind messing bit. I (detail removed by moderator) victims of war, and tbh I think the approach used with them is quite suited to victims of domestic violence and abuse as we now know it to be. The first things is to have someone to ‘bear witness’ to what you have experienced. This is so vital. Too many counsellors have a training that uses approaches that negate people as victims. I know because (detail removed by moderator) and also had a counsellor use erroneous models with me.(Avoid person centred/transactional analysis/eclectic counsellors, i.m.o). Then we need someone who understands psychopathology and accepts this as a risk factor to victims. For me this means seeing a clinical psychologist with at least seven years experience in the field of abuse, not just DV. The third things is to get insights into what happened to us. How the violence and pathological behaviours of the abuser affect our cognitive processes, leading to dissonance, flashbacks, night mares, and relationship problems. You have been in a long war with an enemy and your mind is telling you quite rightly that there is something you need to hear. I have had to pay privately for a good service, but had to save secretly for it. I did a lot of research into making sure the practitioner know their stuff and had a chat on the phone with them beforehand. It was worth it as I got more insight and information in an hour than I could have dreamt possible.(My GP is delighted as she thinks I really need this but there are no NHS services available).I won’t need many sessions. I can’t have my symptoms addressed as he still lives in the home, but the insights she gave me are therapeutic anyway, and are helping me get some perspective.

Is there any way you could put some money by?

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks, I definitely agree with you. I probably could afford counselling, but my Husband is currently trying to take a lot of my savings so I don’t know if I would be able to afford it if that happens. I also don’t want to get into a situation like I have for the last 6 months where I knew the counselling I was having wasn’t helping but I kept going and spending money on it just because she was the only person I spoke to all week and if I stopped going then I would have no one. That was person centred counselling though, so maybe if I found someone who uses a different approach that might help, or someone with experience in domestic abuse (the counsellor I saw only ever referred to it as a ‘difficult relationship’). I’m just worried about what will happen when the group that I go to finishes as then I’ll be completely alone with nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I feel like if I’d received the support that I needed when I first left then I wouldn’t feel this way now, but I’ll never get over how I’ve been treated since I left. I’ll wait and see what the mental health service says, but if they refuse to help me again (which they will), then I’ll try to find another counsellor and I’ll research it a bit more this time x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Another update on this situation, I had the appointment with the mental health service. They said that if they do offer me anything, it will only be 4 half an hour sessions and most of the work will be done by me, on my own. They said they can only help with providing coping mechanisms, not processing any trauma, which is what I’m struggling with the most. What’s the point in providing coping mechanisms if the underlying problem is still there? If I need any more than that then it seems that my only option is private counselling, but the only ones I’ve found that have experience in domestic abuse charge £50-£70 for 45 minutes and they don’t make any exceptions for people on a low income, and I’ve only found 2 or 3 people. I’ve been waiting so long for this appointment and I really hoped that this time I would get the help I need, I was stupid to think that would happen. My GP already said he wouldn’t refer me to the community mental health team so I don’t have any other options. Even if I did try counselling again, it will be months before I’ll be able to see anyone in person and I can’t wait that long. If this mental health service does offer me anything, it will only be a really small number of sessions, then I’ll be back to feeling the same way again because 4 sessions is nowhere near enough. I don’t know how much longer I can do this for, I feel so much worse than I ever did when I was still with my Husband and it’s never going to get better, it only gets worse.

[Alittlelost]

I’m sorry I haven’t had time to read all the replies just the original post. I just got assessed and turned down after a suicide attempt. No help offered at all. Gave me the numbers for samaritans and sent me infomation for dealing with urges of self harm and that was it. I think it’s pretty common and they will try get out of helping as much as they can. It’s nothing uve done. I hope uve got some help by now. Hugs.

[Newbeginnings1234]

I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation, it’s so hard when you get the courage to tell people things that you normally wouldn’t tell anyone because you’re so scared of what will happen if things get worse, just to then be turned away or only offered very little help. I’m starting to regret asking for help in the first place x

[KIP.]

I borrowed money for private counselling and it was the best money I ever spent. It got me through to the other side and the coping mechanisms they’re talking about will see you for years to come. I also read all I could on trauma and taught myself a lot. It truly helped me to understand my body and mind and what was happening. Like you I was pushed from pillar to post so I took control of my own therapy and mental health. Start with The Body Keeps The Score. It’s on audio book on youtube. Healing from Hidden Abuseis a good book too x

[KIP.]

Mind Over Mood is another great book. Just keep going and learning and looking and questioning x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, I bought The Body Keeps the Score after you recommended it to me before. I started reading it but I just can’t concentrate enough to read it at the moment, I can’t even concentrate on a TV programme or a long post on social media. Hopefully I’ll eventually be able to read it though. I’m thinking about paying for counselling again, but I’m worried it will cause arguments with my family if they find out, when I had counselling before they kept telling me I didn’t need it and kept suggesting that I stopped going. They think that talking about things makes it worse and the best thing to do is just move on, never talk about it and forget it ever happened, which is what I’ve been trying to do but it’s not working. A major issue with paying for counselling is that my Husband keeps trying to take a lot of my savings, so it’s difficult to try to budget for things when I don’t know much money I will have after the divorce. I don’t want to spend a lot of my savings on counselling and then have the rest of the money taken away, leaving me with nothing. I’ve come to realise that I’ll only ever be happy when I’m in a relationship, but I’m also terrified of the thought of being in another relationship. Hopefully I don’t get to the point I was at before I met my Husband, where I took a lot of stupid risks because I didn’t care what the outcome was, I just wanted a relationship to make me feel better. I still feel like I don’t even know what red flags to look out for and I’m wondering if maybe my Husband wasn’t even abusive at all, maybe that’s just how relationships are supposed to be and I’ve thrown away a perfectly good marriage. My divorce will be finished soon (apart from the financial side of it), and I feel like I should be happy about it, but instead I feel like that piece of paper is just another reminder of what a failure I am and how all I do is ruin everything. Sorry, that went completely off topic. I think it would be better for everyone if I just stop posting on here, I don’t want to put other people in a bad mood x

[Anonymous]

Please, never EVER think that by posting on here you are putting other people in a bad mood. I used to feel bad when I first started posting on here many months ago that people would get sick of the same old story again and again but never has anyone made me feel like that – everyone is wonderful and supportive and even the process of just writing things down itself I find helps. Please always post, whenever you want. We’re all here for each other, in the same boat, with all the same feelings and hurt really when you boil down to it. Everyone understands what everyone is going through and the advice has literally kept me going through the darkest of days.

I haven’t read this whole thread but one thing I have just picked up on is that you bought the book KIP recommended and was struggling to concentrate on reading it. I’m the same, can’t focus on anything like the tv or a book very well, but what I did find so helpful with that book in particular was that it is broken down into half and hour or so audio chunks on YouTube – I just stuck headphones in and took it in that way. Perhaps give it a try, if you feel like you can?

Sorry I can’t write more right now, huge hugs and support x x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, that’s a good idea, I’ll try that xx

[KIP.]

You won’t always feel this way and the coping strategies will help until the trauma lessens. Looking for a relationship to make you happy is not a good thing. You need to look to yourself first to find that happiness and it can be done. I’ve been where you are and you need to give things time and learn about yourself. What you like, how you make you happy. Looking to a relationship to make you happy won’t end well. Rebuild you first x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi NB, when I first broached the psychology team for help they agreed I needed it but because I was still with my husband told me it would be counter productive as I was basically still in survivor mode. Since leaving him I reapplied and have been seeing a lovely psychologist. I still have contact with my oh so I’m probably not getting 100% out of the sessions but it has helped. A lot of what she suggests is out there online but I think its the validation from another person that what we are doing, how we are finding ways to cope and process what went on is normal an6s we’re doing okay. It’s building up that belief in ourselves that we’ve got this. And don’t ever think you are making anyone angry or upset. Those are our reactions, and ours to deal with. It’s years of conditioning that’s made us supersensitve to the feelings of others, something we need to learn to deal with, not for others not to say triggering things. Unless those people doing so are malicious and then we just cut them out of our lives. (Eventually)
You’re doing so well, you can get through this. Just remember it’s all baby steps💞💞
IWMB

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, I think one of the things that I keep thinking about is that one person in the group I went to was turned away by the same mental health service, but she went back to her GP and was referred somewhere else, and was then offered therapy that is really helping her, but when I went back to my GP I was told that there are no other options except paying for counselling. Also, despite leaving her ex around the same time as me, she’s still being supported by the same domestic abuse service that turned me away after a couple of months because they said the abuse was historic. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that nobody was there for me when I needed them the most, even just seeing ads for domestic abuse services makes me feel depressed for hours, especially at the moment when there are constant adverts and news reports about domestic abuse. I really wish I’d never gone to that group, it’s made me feel so much worse (which wasn’t their fault, they were really nice and supportive, but there must just be something wrong with me). It’s made me feel like people must not believe me, if other people have received help but I haven’t, or even worse, they did believe me but they just didn’t care and I don’t matter to anyone. Even now, it’s being constantly proven to me that nobody cares about me, as not one person has reached out to see if I’m OK, as they know I live on my own in an area where I don’t know anyone. I constantly check my phone, desperate for someone other than my parents to message me, but nobody ever does. Anyway, I’ve gone completely off topic again, thank you for your reply, I think my only option is to pay for counselling and hope that it isn’t a waste of money, hopefully it will be more helpful this time x

[KIP.]

What you’re feeling is what I felt too. You’re still traumatised and not thinking straight. Message someone today and see how they are. And don’t be upset if you get nothing back right away. Emotions, feelings, concerns, are all extremely heightened when recovering from abuse and if you have trauma to then your brain won’t be working correctly either. Just start small. Baby steps. I took everything so personally and was always defensive. That’s the result of abuse. Keep going and building confidence and self esteem x

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